Except happy.

I'm forgetting what it was like before.
Who I was, how played my mind.
I have flashes, brief clips of memories,
But they're getting harder to find.
I even sometimes wonder,
If they are even real,
And not an image I projected,
To cover the 'really feel'.
In the time of statutory reflection,
In the time of look ahead,
I'm stuck for what to aim for,
Except happy, healthy and not dead.

Gist.

I have no idea if you think this is normal.
I have no idea if you think this makes sense.
Whether this sort of life is light for you,
Whereas for me, it's heavy, dense.
I feel a cloak, a thickening mist,
And I have no idea whether you get the gist,
Of the things I do and do not say,
Because I'm always here.  I always stay.

Easier apart.

These are the days that warm my heart.
They shouldn't, because we're really apart.
It's that these are the days that bring less stress.
I'm happy, relaxed.  My head's not a mess.
These are the days where you can't disappoint.
We can flutter through moments without needing a point.
We can laugh and have fun, do it just for the joy.
There's no one to displease, no one to annoy.
The love is there, deep ingrained in the heart,
But I can't help feel it's easier apart.

Impasse.

Impasse.
Our always,
Our every days.

We have floated,
Or driven, So far apart,
I question if that was us at start.

We see such different a view.
It's like we truly don't get,
Why we feel what we do.

We are silent in slow burning anger.
Polite through the things we should say,
And so we are moving, constantly moving,
Further and further, and further, away.

Heart shade.

I do not like that I am suspicious.
I do not like that I quick jump to blame,
But following another encounter,
I find us here again.

I question your intentions,
I question your heart, and its shade,
And as I do so, I question myself.
So self belief, and self love, tend to fade.

I need time with people who shine,
I need me the people who glow,
I need the people who love me,
So the right path can, once again, show.

Happiness thief.

The kind of day that typifies.
You probably see it in my eyes.
I do my best to keep it in,
As I ride this train with my head full spin.
As the outsider, dangling on the edge,
Though you undoubtedly see me as the wedge,
I stare, sometimes in disbelief,
At things you've said.  The happiness thief.

When things are running smoothly,
And I begin to breathe, relax,
You toss in a word or two of meanness,
Like a Viking throwing axe.
Then they pick up on the comments,
And their hackles then are raised,
So more bitter words are spoken,
And its a choking negative haze.

The fog encompasses everything,
And it's no longer fun.
So I hold my breath and impatiently wait,
Until you've finally gone.

I'll live.

Inside the box of frozen walls,
I sit and watch as the temperature falls.
Inside this box, I helped create,
I feel the simmering vibes, the hate.
I thought what I wanted was something plain,
Something small, expected.  I need not explain.
Turns out, it's something you cannot give,
So to keep her close, this is the way I'll live.

I knead and fold.

It is for you.
All for you.
It would look,
So much different,
If not for you.

It's not what I want for you,
But the best I can do,
Right now, in this moment,
Til it's better,
Til true.

What I continue to do,
Is for us, is for you.
I cling and I mould,
What we have, I knead, fold.
I try and be the glue.

For you.
All for you.  

Godparent.

I smiled, when I read your words.  
I went giddy, like a child.
A magic beam lit up my face,
And am sure my eyes went wild.

I felt a pride I haven't felt,
In such a long and tiring while,
The fire rose in my stomach,
And I grew the biggest smile.

I am proud, yet also grateful,
That you would think of me.
I'll take the honour seriously,
And be the best that I can be.

Cog in a wheel.

If all days were like today,
Happier I'd be.
If all days were as close as this,
Easier it would be.
This day in midst of all the others,
One day in midst of fog,
Would give me the chance,
To share the wheel,
To relax in being just cog.

Learning to share.

That you miss out,
Do without,
Have to leave,
Or are left behind,
Fractures my heart a little,
I know it's best,
But I'm the worrying kind.

That the tears came,
Once again,
Floods broke,
As forced to go,
Fractures my heart a little more,
Because I want you always,
To remember the glow.

That you clung to another,
Not your mother,
Smiles returning,
It made better.
Fractures my heart one more time,
Because, in truth, I feel,
That job is mine.

I am grateful to them,
Grateful they care,
But when it comes to your love,
I'm still learning to share.

Let it go.

I didn't need to see his face,
To know,
That he did not like,
The way you spoke.

I didn't need to see his face,
To know,
That he did not like,
That I let it go.

Festive

When the festive season,
Seems more like a chore,
Take a deep breath,
And love it more.
Remember it isn't,
About you,
It's about the love you feel,
And how it's the glue,
That helps to keep,
Tired things together.
As you hope that this chore,
Will last forever.

Gulf.

I see the gulf
I feel the chasm,
I register others do too.
We can be ourselves with others,
But are stilted as me and you.
The air is stale,
With a hint of frost,
However much love was inside.
You cannot talk of feelings.
I need to, so you run and hide.

Should be.

When I see that smile,
Brighter, crazier,
With eyes glowing,
With true joy,
I am grateful for them

When I hear her laughter spill,
In tuneful waterfall,
Through the house,
That should be home,
I am grateful for them.

It just doesn't last.
It is so brief,
And she drops so suddenly,
From her glorious height,
That it leaves scars.

Confused,
Rejected.
In the house,
That should be home.
Yet she is grateful for them.

Burning rubber.

It seems never ending,
The tunnel we chose.
We are stuck.
The wheels are spinning,
But the rubber is burning.
I've stopped seeing the return.
I've stopped seeing our light.
I sometimes cry for us,
In the dark of the night.

Isolate and recuperate.

One thing, then two things,
Three things, four,
Leave me wanting,
To close our door.
Isolate, recuperate
Stop them getting in.
Wait until patience is restored,
Even if thin.
One thing, then two things,
Three things, four.
I once had higher resilience,
But I'm changed now, and to the core.

That smile.

However hard the day,
You are always the highlight.
However hard you make it,
You are always the reason.
It is worth it,
However hard the day,
Because of you,
Because of that smile.

Ripped.

I am torn.
I do not like that this is your life.

I do not like that this is your life,
But I cannot stop myself feeling,
A warmth,
From the fact that I am not alone.

Understand.

I understand you,
In the sense that I know you.
Perhaps too well.
I recognise,
The things you will do,
The things you will say,
And those you will not.
I just struggle,
To understand.
How could you?
Why would you?
Why would you not?

Dulled spark.

I sit in my corner,
I look at your faces.
Lifetimes ago,
And different places.
I don't know your struggles,
You didn't get to know mine,
Were they the same,
In just a different time.
I want to go back,
To the girl you knew,
When the hope was high,
And the years were few.
I want to be the person,
You were proud to know.
I remember how a look,
Could make me glow.
How a look,
Could make me smile,
Instead of want to run a mile.
The pride in your eyes,
Showed the love in your heart,
In my memory forever,
Though Iife's dulled my spark.

Crossed fingers.

If it were only like this,
All the time,
I'd be more at peace,
And that must be a sign?
Yet it wouldn't be like this,
If it were to end,
Just different battles,
With which to contend.
So I plant my feet firmly,
Though sway where I stand,
I take a deep breath,
And cross fingers on hand.

On trial.

When you give me that look,
Say, "Its all in your head",
That's when I feel,
That our love is dead.
That look of distaste,
That sneer of denial,
When expressing my feelings,
Is my heart put on trial.

Grey self.

I had a moment of envy.
Watching that snippet,
That flicker of your life.
Then I remember,
You would probably swop,
And that cuts me like a knife.
So whilst you live a life of joy,
And I drag my grey self on,
I will focus on my blessings,
And try to be as strong.

A little less blue.

A day outside the normal spin,
A necessity as your ills set in,
But it takes us back,
To a simpler time,
When the pattern of the day,
Was yours and mine.
It's actually helped me more than you,
It feels like a dab of restorative glue.
To take things just as they present,
Instead of the rush I do lament,
To have you close, and enjoy it too
The colour of life is now a little less blue.

In my mire.

When I am drowning in my troubles,
I'm not the friend I want to be.
I try to be there for you,
But end up talking me.
I want people to understand,
That I understand their pain,
But I get lost in my mire,
And it's poor old me, again.
Whilst you're drowning in your troubles,
And you need me to be a friend.
Just remember I am trying,
And I'll get there in the end.

Relaying.

My darling girl,
Your eyes of blue,
Are relaying truths,
And betraying you.

That way.

I cannot be,
The same person I was,
Not when knowing,
You are nothing like,
The person you were.
There cannot have only,
Been change in one of us.
Life does not work that way.

Wonder.

I take a deep breath and I wonder,
If it's me or them.
If what I imagine,
The idealistic image,
Would not be so,
Regardless.
That I should halt my sadness,
My dreaming mind,
And take the gold dust in the dirt.
Yet I ache for her.
Ache when it isn't what I'd want it to be.
When it's less than what she deserves.
I take a deep breath and I wonder,
If this is how it's meant to be,
To make her who's she's meant to be.
I take a deep breath and I wonder.

No pause.

The days get harder,
And I am becoming lost in them,
In the never ending of them,
In the no pause, no time, of them.

The days get harder,
But her heart seems sweeter,
Her words get deeper,
Bestowing moments I can cling to.

I cling to them,
As she clings to me for comfort.
I cling to them,
Until we are floating again.

Make it better.

Some days are like this,
Tiny trial by trial,
One step forward,
Twelve steps back,
The longest, tiring, mile.

On the harder days like this,
With exhaustion high,
I hear your words,
Feel your tender touch,
Hold the look that's in your eye.

I was sad, you say.
As you speak, your eyes get wetter.
I needed you,
I wanted you,
Because your hugs make it better.