Bounce from the fall.

When life is hard and confusing,
Laughing with a friend is all.
Taking it and making it humour,
Helps you bounce from the fall.
There are times I need to withdraw,
Regroup and recouperate,
But sometimes I need my friends,
To focus on love and not hate.

Still be strong.

Today was hard.
That little hard.
The little things,
Not big things, hard.
I'm exhausted,
Was pushed throughout the day.
And it absolutely,
Did not go my way.
So yes, today was hard,
But just that little hard.
It was little things,
Not big things, hard.
So although I'm battered,
And a little bruised,
A wet rag that's been overused,
I'm still grateful,
Still holding on.
Sometimes bending,
Is the way to stay strong.

Never be ready.

May your sleep be one that's peaceful.
May my sudden fears have no grounds.
My heart is in my stomach.
My love it knows no bounds.
Be well my darling child.
Be still my racing heart.
I will never be ready,
For you and I to part.

Budge.

Was there a tiny punch of envy?
I'm really not that sure.
It's a feeling I think I thought I should have felt,
As if that would be a cure,
For a life that isn't what I want,
But it doesn't work like that.
I do not wish that I were there.
It's not about where I'm sat.
It's about my freedom to make choices,
And to do so without a judge.
I cannot see this changing,
When neither of us will budge.

Other seeds

The sparkle's always dulled,
By a covering of grey.
Something that you want,
But it can not go your way.
When there is no middle ground,
You want the way that is your own.
You didn't want to reap this fruit?
Then other seeds you should have sown.

You chose.

I don't know how we get anywhere from here.
I don't understand.   To me it's clear.
Our reasons are so disparate, so opposed.
My heart is cold, becoming closed.
The things I value, are not yours.
I choose joy.  What was it you chose?

Clinging rust.

Take the summer evening glow,
Then with twisted face, make it go.
With twisted face, turn it to ash,
And for extra effect, add a dash,
Of derision and disgust.
Like tarnish on metal.  Clinging rust.

Through a shout.

I see that you are struggling,
But you will not help yourself.
You just power through with anger.
Take it out on someone else.
Your go to face is growling,
Followed by disgust.
It's not any way to treat anyone,
Certainly not us.
I know that you are struggling,
That you need to work it out,
But I am struggling to help you,
When you will not hear me through a shout.

The darkest of blue.

I hold you close 
You do not know.
There is plenty time,
For you to grow,
In to this world,
You will not get.
Your heart is hurt,
By the smallest regret.
These things,
We choose to keep from you,
Will make your heart,
The darkest of blue.

My dear.

It's one of those steps,
Those steps in your life,
That marks a change. 
A line drawn with a knife.
Not hard to do.
An inconsequential event,
But its what it makes you realise.
It's what they represent.
Our world is moving on,
Things are always going to change.
We will never be this us again,
And that, my dear, is strange.

So soon.

Hold my hand.
I need you here.
Hold my hand,
Closer, dear.  
I will take your fingers,
As you reach to take the moon,
I will be so still, steadfast,
Because this time will go so soon.  

A different time

Like the early evening glow,
I sit back and I know.
The angst that weighs my heart,
Is relieved when I'm apart.
I am lifted when escape is near.
Not from this place, but from the fear,
The discomfort. The people wo are not mine.
They make me long for a different time.

Hide

What I may now be realising,
Is that I need a world outside. 
The problem's that the way you make me feel,
Makes me want to withdraw.  Hide.
I assumed I could not face the world,
Because I struggled to face you. 
Perhaps my realisation, is that,
It's your presence that makes me blue.
Your presence makes me question,
Who I am and what's my worth.
What not be allowed to be who I am ,
And, as it, just walk upon this earth. 

Foot to the floor.

If it were this,
If this were it,
My soul would be lighter.
It's a better fit.
There is much less angst.
My breaths hold to true.
There is more gentle glow,
And less shades of blue.
So I take a deep breath,
Inhale, and once more.
Take what I can,
And put my foot to the floor.

Fathom out.

I am out of kilter.
Something is not right.
I feel it in the day,
And long in to the night.
Sleeping can make it easier,
But it doesn't go away.
Just waits for another morn,
When Sun is in its way.
If I knew what was driving it,
Or what was sitting wrong with me,
I'd be able to tackle it,
And set my tied nerves free.
Unfortunately my perceptions,
Seem a little awry,
And while I know something's not right,
I cannot yet fathom out why.

In worry.

I can still feel it in my stomach,
The fear your words created.
The nausea rising quickly,
And not ready to be sated.
My body trying to evict,
The thoughts your message brought.
I want to return to pre-message me,
But in worry I am caught.

Safest bet.

I have an urge to tell you I love you,
But can't wake your peaceful sleep.
I should have said it before you fell.
Now it will have to keep.
In the push of everyday,
I do sometimes forget,
I think you know how much I love you,
It's probably my safest bet.

The return.

So much about it beautiful.
So much to be grateful for.
The first steps back I smiled with joy,
Then my stomach hit the floor.
Reality burst through streams of sun,
And tears began to muster.
Where has the happiness gone?
All left behind to fuster.
I am taken back a year in time.
So much, yet nothing altered.
I can see where my door slid,
Where my life became so altered.
I can not even be angry or bitter,
Because of what it will cause.
It doesn't stop my feeling it,
And so dreaming of other doors.

Hit the floor.

For a moment I am jealous,
Then a moment or two more.
Out with friends, drinking in the sun,
Then having a few more.
Revelling in friendship,
With out responsibility or ties.
Our two very, very, different,
Yet intertwined, lives.
Then I remember that what I have is greater,
Longer lasting and more pure.
It's about building a beautiful future.
It's not just about me anymore.
You have the moments you value,
And I have the ones that matter.
I sense that when your facade falls,
Things may hit the floor and shatter.

Overfizz.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm to blame.
 If the way I react drowns her in shame.
 One not meant, but it's what she sees.
 Like being terrified of flies and bees.
 Then sometimes I wonder if it's just who she is,
That her insides were built to overfizz.
 That her anxious nature flows in to me.
 Making me this someone I didn't used to be.
 Then sometimes I wonder if we were both pushed this way,
 And would we breathe deeper if that went away.

The fall.

The things,
For which you find the time,
Are not the things,
For which I find mine.

Our priorities and preferences,
Are now misaligned.
The ease in which we take to this,
Is all the evidence I find.
It leans so heavy to one side,
I can sense it's about to fall,
I sense you're nudging rugs out,
And will not mourn the fall.

We be schooled.

These are the days.
However short, or far between,
These are the memories,
In to which I'll lean.
These are the days,
When you see the machine.
We are fighting to be normal,
And I have been so ever keen,
To avoid their judgement,
Drop below their radars,
Meet their expectations,
As though they were stars.
To fit her into what they expect,
And let them dictate,
Where we go next.
What if normal,
Isn't what we were given,
What if being happy,
Was where we are driven.
Why must we be schooled,
To continue turning the wheel?
What if that's not the way,
Our broken souls heal.

Mangle

Sometimes you have to take the chance,
To run for the hills.
It's not about the adventure,
Or the temporary thrills.
It's the chance to escape the grind,
See things from a different angle.
The day to day can take the joy,
And run it through a mangle.
So I take this chance,
One that I created,
To take a different breath of air,
So this life isn't overrated.

May be fake.

Today was a lesson in how I cannot,
Protect you as much as I'd like.
For you to partake in the world,
I have to keep moving my spike.
Everything is a bargain,
To receive there must be a price.
I'm trying not to be so reactive,
I'm trying to listen to advice.
My fear is from love and good intentions.
I feel like you suffer enough,
I don't want you to have more battles,
When you already have it quite tough.
I do know we'll have to take risks,
Ones I'm not always ready to take,
So sometimes when we're stretching those boundaries,
My encouraging smile may be fake.

Northern spring.

More changeable than the weather,
In the Northern spring.
It's visible that putting others first,
Is clearly not your thing.
Your face and body tell it all,
However much you deny.
Then you wonder why she's sensitive,
And over prone to cry.
We can not tell you as it is,
You will never deign to agree.
She'll keep trudging on though,
Hoping that you'll see.

Not going away.

Can anything tear at your insides,
Like the sound of your child in pain?
Sobbing and screaming all intertwined.
Tears falling down like rain.
Reaching out for comfort, wanting you to heal.
Doing this best you physically can,
But it's not how it's going to feel.
You'd swap places in less than a heartbeat,
If only it would work that way.
It doesn't, so you just hold on tightly,
And promise you're not going away.

Poison within

Why is it so very cleansing,
Just saying how you feel?
Turning over the engine,
and setting loose the wheel.
Starting a new day with lighter arms,
and sensing a budding grin.
Not pushing back against an oncoming tide,
But instead breathing out the poison within.

Snapping.

I felt it snapping inside me,
And then the resulting wave, 
Of feelings that were set free.  
Part sick, part scared, part brave.  
I do not want to rock the boat,
But I don't want to sit here and drown.  
My stomach a ball of anxiety,
And my face the lines of a frown.  
I want it all to disappear, 
However much I know that's not real.  
My mind knows I must face reality, 
But it's not what my heart wants to feel.  

So I stand.

In any other time,
I would have set myself free.
Held my breath for a moment,
And walked on to the sea.
Took the shake up, the change in circumstance,
Being showered in the rain.
But this isn't another time,
So I stand and take the pain.

Burr.

I want to utter curse words.
I want to breathe out fire.
I want the understanding,
That he's leading her to a mire.
I see the affect the words have,
So flippantly thrown away,
And I understand more clearly,
Why I feel as I do today.
I cannot take it personally,
And try telling that to her,
But I know myself the effect it has,
Against our tender skin, a burr.

Some how.

This is the life my decisions chose.
This is the life I lead.
This is who my life has made me,
Even if not what my heart does bleed.
I too many time have acquiesced,
To argue about it now.
Just enjoy the fleeting moments,
Or the vision beyond the brow.
I haven't given up on hope,
Just on it in the here and now.
I still have hope that things could change,
Some day, some time, some how.