There

You are there,
Again.
At that time when it is needed.
At that time when my sand is shifting.
Do you sense,
Or do I pull for you?
Whatever.
You are there.

Tired

I just feel so damn tired,
And part of me knows why.
I can't stop.
Not at the moment,
Because if I stop,
I have to think,
And I'm not sure that thinking,
Is going to help me.
Can't even be sure,
That it won't make it worse.
I don't yet have the answers,
To my questions.

Unhappy

I could not understand,
Why people accepted unhappy,
Because it was created by love.
I did not understand,
Love.

There are days

There are days,
And there are days.
Today is one,
And I have suspicions,
That tomorrow will be,
Another.
So,
I pull up my big girl pants,
Take a deep breath,
A deeper drink of wine,
Just let it be,
And do me.

I am talking.

I am talking,
Because I'm trying.
I keep talking,
Because I keep trying.
I keep trying,
Because I don't want to be,
The one,
That stopped.

Complicated

I know that people think I try,

And avoid relationships,

Because of a fear I'm going to get hurt. 

To some degree, I guess that's true, 

But really it's that once you get involved with people,

Things become complicated,

And one way or another, 

Whether you want to or not, 

You always end up hurting someone else. 

Hurting some I love, 

Destroys me,

Piece by piece. 

Gossip

I was still tender,
And the thought,
That friends,
Were dissecting,
The rotting corpse of my life,
Breaking my trust for entertainment,
Hurt like hell.

Dictionary

Life is like writing your own dictionary.
Your experiences are those little explanations.
Each story, tale, adventure, gradually builds your book.
It authors you.
You only truly understand the meaning of words,
Once you've used them,
To describe what you did, saw, and the way it felt.

Gesture

It's not that I think that,
What I am giving you,
In return,
Is anywhere near,
The same quality,
As that you gave me.

It's a gesture.

You gave me a piece of you,
And I wanted to return the favour.
I wanted to give you a piece of me.
Please don't judge it,
Don't compare quality,
Just appreciate it for what it is.

A gesture.

Too

Sometimes,
The responsibility,
For someone else's life,
Is just too big.

When it's your own child?
It can feel just too,
Too,
Everything.

The only things,
To survive the moment,
Are hold tightly,
And breathe deeply.

Not a good combination

I just didn't realise that relationships can die,
Because you care too much. 

I gave myself away until there was barely anything left,

And at that point I wasn't enough for either of us. 

He became disappointed and I bitter.  

They are not a good combination.

Mousetrap

Step in to the mousetrap.
Be tempted by the cheese.
Be trapped by my vice like grip.
My sole aim's to please.

Accept capture in the spider's web.
In straps of silk be bound.
Surrender to my progress.
My desire is deep, profound.

Schadenfreude

When I said I forgave her,
She smiled.
I couldn't tell,
If it was borne of relief,
Or schadenfreude.
Just the briefest mental flash,
Of her maliciously,
Enjoying my pain,
Meant I would never trust,
Her again.

Undercurrent

I hear what you say,
And feel what you don't.

I see the movements your body makes,
As you react to me,
And what I have to tell.

I look at you,
Continue to smile,
Try to appease,
And feel sick inside.

Lunch hour

Laying in peace.
The state? Relaxation.
Away from the clutches,
Of watchful probation.
The sun, a glow,
Permeating a soul.
Rejuvenating where pressure,
Took its toll.
Allowing a moment,
In wild imagination.
Opening the door,
Desire infiltration.
Names and faces,
Seeping through.
The special ones,
The chosen few.
But then,
As the sunbeam dies,
And slowly opened,
Are the eyes,
The clock, full turn.
A sad realisation.
Calling the end,
Of quiet contemplation.

Denouement

I suspect that this may be,
The denouement of our relationship.
The plot has finally unravelled,
Even the audience is sending the curtain,
As they have begun to fidget in their seats.

Swimming

I long to swim in the depths of your mind,

And yet I am scared of the things I may find.

Would infinite knowledge be worth it, you see,

Knowing, with hate, your image of me. 

Why must situations also be so?

Where lust can never grab hold, must let go. 

Talks

I don't for one minute,
Believe I know,
All that went on in his life.
The way he didn't,
With me.
Yet we'd have those talks.
You know.
Those talks,
Where every so often,
You just need,
To get all your thoughts,
Out of your head,
And have someone you trust,
Listen.
For that sort of thing,
I trusted him.

Contingency plans

In my mind, 

Secretly,

I plan for the worst. 

Contingency planning,

For my fears,

So they don't seem as scary. 

That feeling in your stomach

There is no trust, only fear.
Knowing he's not really here.
Sometimes in body, but never in mind.
So I'm always anxious of what I will find.
What was once so close, is now so far.
I worry I'll learn how things really are.
His resting position is now so distant
I have to acknowledge we could be gone in an instant.
This fear eats away at my soul and heart,
And has me wondering if I would be happier apart.
It's not what I want, and would bring its own fears,
But what will be left if this goes on for years?

Confusion

Has she the capacity deep inside?

Is she covering the pieces she wants to hide?

Is life for her so much a pain,

That she never wants to join again?

I watch and it fractures my soul 

I now know there is no such thing as whole. 

Can't she understand she is grazing my heart,

By showing her deep desire to part?

It's not her choice, I must concede,

As I watch her confusion. I watch her need,

To understand the visions in her head. 

The recurring dreams she wants to shed. 

In her weary eyes, a gentle tear. 

Knowing true, he's no longer here. 

I know that pain, I miss him too,

But he wasn't half of me, as he was of you. 

Dreams

As I sit here thinking, 

Working through my dreams,

I comprehend the complexity,

Of the many flowing streams. 

Blessing, and yet cursing,

The wandering of my mind. 

Allowing me to see such sights. 

More peaceful to be blind,

To all that when contemplated,

Confuses and brings pain. 

Drenching me in sorrows,

A violent thrashing rain.

Yet even now, I understand,

My hunger and my need,

To fumble through my thoughts,

On which my soul does feed. 

Breath

The breath. 

The deep breath. 

Inhaling, exhaling. 

Betraying thoughts you tried to hide. 

The pause, 

To collect yourself. 

Thinking, assessing.  

Those looking, see that also. 

Clarity

Clarity from chaos, 

A false clarity. 

A slower way of seeing, thinking   

An extra second. 

You linger longer. 

The loss of quick reactions,

But you gain something else. 

An insight, deeper insight,

With the overhanging questions. 

Seeing a puzzle. 

Enjoying the challenge. 

Not fighting the slow, spreading, smile.

The widened eye view. 

Crash

Death is a state in to which you slide, 

A spiralling path, and you can not hide. 

It's a breaking heart, a terrifying scream,

A muffled sob, the end of a dream. 

Whenever it happens, whatever the cause,

Life must go on. Why the hell can't life pause?

Let me honour the dead,

Leave them clear in my head. 

I do not want to lose them, I always want them there. 

I can not bear the emptiness of my soul stripped bare. 

I never want to lose you, but things always seem to end,

So I'll cherish every moment of the times, as one, we spend. 

Epistolary friendships.

I can remember the feelings your letters evoked. 

I looked forward to receiving them,

With almost a childlike glee. 

Pleasure from knowing that you,

Deliberately took time out from your life,

To explain yourself to me. 

You wanted to, because you had to know about me. 

Perhaps you had to, because you wanted to know about me. 

Reaching out for the hand that was also outstretched. 

There was also a level of anxiety. 

This was the response to whatever I had written. 

Each letter was a reaction to me,

And the real me. 

A good writer.

I learned something,
Or admitted something,
About myself, the other day.
I will never make a good writer.
I can never truly describe a moment,
Because I cannot be honest.
I fear that one day,
Whatever I thought,
Will come back to hurt someone,
And haunt me.
If you can never tell the truth,
And cannot sensationalise a lie,
Then the story just isn't interesting.

Empty

Through the window, I watch.
The light draws me in.
I see as she mourns.
I cannot get in.
Empathy is impossible,
For I have been drained.
If I could feel, it would hurt.
I want to feel pained.
As I sit at his window,
As I watch life go by,
I think she is healing,
But there's no light in her eye.

Fear

Fear is an emotion pending,
Excited by the evil threatening.
Imagination running wild,
Brings fearful pictures to the mind.
A moonlit night, a shadowed place,
A figure or suspected face.
Imagination, growing stronger.
A need, to be there no longer.
Then the heart does beat much faster,
Controlling moves like a master.
The body it then picks up speed,
Wanting a route or path to lead,
Out of the place where terror hides.
The feeling flows like rippling tides.
Then once in home or safer spot,
The inner feeling stars to rot.
A shaking body and paler face,
Show traces of that evil place.

Catharsis

The dream threw me. 

Isn't it always the case,

That something you think you have resolved,

Comes back to bite you,

Or in this case, 

Kiss

One of those dreams,

That feels as real as any strange day. 

It was only a dream,

And as long as it stays a dream,

I guess I shouldn't worry. 

I know the truth,

And that should at least prepare me,

For future behaviour. 

I guess the thing that disturbed me the most,

Is that I did the one thing,

I'm always trying not to do. 

Maybe it was my minds attempt at catharsis. 

Now that's done, 

However unreal,

It will all be easier. 

Then again...