Her truth.

Let her walk her truth.
Allow her to manage it her way.
As much as I can inform her,
I need to remember she has her say.
We are alike, but different people,
And she’s not averse to being blunt.
She will take the startled deer down, unflinching,
Like a lioness on the hunt.
I would walk a different path,
Avoiding any pain,
But I might have to fight the same old battle,
Again and then again.
I will continue to advise,
And warn of consequences,
But allow her to heed her heart,
And to be aware of her own senses.

Could never now.

From the moment that I knew of you,
You have been my kryptonite.
I worry for you every day,
And even through the night.
I so desperately want you to be safe,
But I want you to be free.
I want you to live bright your life,
But be able to rely on me.
I hate to see you suffer.
My insides drown, yet burn in fire.
My love for you is such,
That I could never now be a liar.

Willow.

Every day brings something.
Not one single day brings peace.
Somewhere along the line,
Is a wolf disguised by fleece.
Some days I just want to put,
My tired head to the pillow.
Hiding from winds,
That toy with this hollow willow.

Patch.

Stumbling over words.
Unsure what to say.
And how to best represent,
What has passed today.
Life keeps throwing curve balls.
I was never great at catch,
But I am always on your team,
And this is just a temporary patch.

Claw back.

When you no longer try to hide,
From the obvious, the real.
When no kidding yourself will work,
When you can’t pretend it’s not how you feel.
There’s a little lift of weight,
A tiny knowing smile.
You may have to work for others,
But at least you’ve clawed back your own style.

Tangled.

There’s no way to detangle,
The roots are just too deep,
And so I keep on walking,
Although I’m losing sleep.
There’s no way to detangle,
Not without destruction,
And so I’ll grow within a cage,
Bending round any obstruction.

Burning ember.

I suspect that I used to have,
Or at least I vaguely remember,
Deep, cool wells of patience,
To tame my burning ember.
Life slowly drank them up,
And left me in this state,
Where I can burn inside,
But at least I’m not yet pulled to hate.

Tension wire.

I felt a shift, a subtle shift. 
I think that it was me.  
I was different in that moment, 
But not sufficiently to see. 
I felt the snapping of a tension wire,
Or the tightening of a nerve.  
No great change will hit my life, 
But I’ll consider what I deserve.  

Midnight.

When no one is there to hold me,
I will hold my own.
I will picture who you need me to be.
Both today and when you’re grown.
I now accept, and no longer feel guilt,
That I may have to do this myself.
I am a woman who will get things done.
I’m not some disrespected midnight elf.

In my stomach.

My heart is not in my stomach.
My heart is always with you.
My fear is in my stomach.
There’s nothing more that I can do.
I’ve used all means at my disposal,
And I will hold you when you call.
I will walk through this beside you.
I can not let you fall.

Fickle master.

How joy can turn on a knife edge.
How fear can quickly join.
How suddenly your health,
Can be balanced on the edge of a coin.
My stomach is in knots for you.
My heart is beating faster.
How can a twist of fate,
Be my fickle master.

The joy you bring.

I will fight to keep the joy,
Keep it just how it was meant.
I will fight not with anger,
But with goodwill and best intent.
I will honour it’s true meaning,
And it’s simple gift,
In respect for the joy you bring,
I will hold fast and will not shift.

Aftertaste.

I refreshed myself,
With the meaning of grace,
And took an hour,
At a slower pace.
It wasn’t quite,
The gift I thought,
As I realised,
That I had bought,
A future longing,
For what I’d had,
And an unexpected,
Aftertaste of sad.

Almost serene.

Tonight was made for peace.
A quiet moment, almost serene.
I will ignore what’s sent my way,
Anything that’s mean.
If all I have is this moment,
I’m still blessed.  I know for sure,
That love can be worth it,
If that love is true, is pure.

Moss.

I had a moment.
It felt like glee.
It fizzed temporarily,
But was not to be.
I missed it immediately.
I felt it’s sour loss.
I am still inside,
But just covered in moss.

Dusted.

Now you’re curled up sleeping,
I worry I was too hard.
Did I labour the point too much?
Did I overplay my card?
I want you to truly learn,
The impact of your actions.
It’s about considering others,
And not just riding your emotional reactions.
For you, we’ve talked too much.
Your heart and pride are a little tender,
But you fell asleep knowing I love you,
It’s ‘done and dusted’, returned to sender.

Break.

I saw your face, your disappointment.
Trust me, I took to heart,
The criticism your shade threw.
It blew my confidence apart.
Now, though hours later,
I remember that you’re no god.
You’re as human as the rest of us,
Surviving on this sod.
I take on board your feelings,
Hold them to my heart,
But will be kind to myself today,
And will not break apart.

Judged.

It’s some kind of crazy puzzle.
It’s a game where rules don’t stick.
Others get to knock it down,
But I rarely get to pick,
The parts needed for the re-build,
The strongest, flexing glue.
I want to feel like me,
But not be judged by you.

But really.

I can feel the water,
Bubbling to the top.
I’d need only the smallest push,
For a tear to drop.
I am tired for many reasons.
Tired, and also sad.
It’s a balance.  Things are desperate,
But really not that bad.

Ever waiting.

I am waiting, ever waiting.
Counting seconds, minutes, hours,
Until there is some peace,
In this twisted world of ours.
I am imagining other outcomes.
Dreaming of different routes,
More fitting for my heart,
Closer to my roots.
I imagine beaming smiles,
Of true joy on our faces,
But it will not, can not, be today.
This journey is walked in stages.

The levy.

What will I do with all these words?
Will they evict the needed others?
Do I treat them like a family?
Ever supporting brothers.
Sisters there to lift,
When the world is far too heavy.
When life has meant I’m spent,
And I’ve nothing left to pay the levy.

Only choice.

Words are not always needed.
Looks can do as well.
No subtlety is shown.
No need to spot a ‘tell’.
It is vivid.  It is shouting,
Louder than a voice.
So, I turn my back to you.
It’s become my only choice.

Still rolls on.

Don’t go anywhere near him,
Trust me, I should know.  
Turn around girl, walk away.
Please just let him go.
I know from experience,
Every lie, like every dimple.
He will use you.  He will break you.
It really is that simple.
I listen, overhearing,
And I can feel her bruised heart breaking.
She wants him, so badly,
That you can feel her essence aching.
She’s going to ignore the warnings.
She’s going to hope that she’s the one.
This is how it happens.
This is how it still rolls on.

It hangs.

It hangs.  It lingers.
It taints my fear.
It sits in the stands,
And begins to jeer.
A moments peace,
Is truly just that.
As one cloud dissipates,
It grabs a different hat.
Walking in, with a jaunty swagger.
Stabbing my heart,
With a well worn dagger.
I take a deep breath,
Push on through the grey,
And hope tomorrow,
Will be my day.

Their turn.

When I start to see some beauty,
In everything I see,
That is when I recognise,
The lost and former me.
There are things I know,
About how fast she could return,
But that would come with pain and fear,
And it’s just not quite their turn.

Like a fly.

When he respects her,
More than he does you,
Then you can be sure,
That the love is truly through.
When you see the spite,
Burning in his eye,
Hold strong and stand your ground.
Don’t let him squash you like a fly.

Refill.

As my body shivers,
As tiredness overtakes me,
I start to feel the pressure.
I know how a trigger breaks me.
I consider all my options,
To let my bruised soul heal.
I know I walk alone.
You don’t ‘get’ how it makes me feel.
That’s not the bit that hurts.
It’s the fact you will not try,
When that’s what I do for you,
And have done as years passed by.
When the road is hardest going,
You make it single lane.
I fought so long to accompany you,
But my energy begins to wane.
For now I will withdraw,
And try to refill my glass.
I will refrain from biting back,
I owe myself some class.

Stone.

I don’t know how to fix it.
Don’t know how to make it right.
The days are all the same,
And I’m exhausted by the night.
My little treasured moments,
Are mine, and mine alone.
Loneliness can make the warmest heart,
Eventually turn to stone.

Dents.

It is better.
Even with the stress,
Even with the drain,
Even with the mess.
I am calmer,
Even with events.
I will miss today, tomorrow.
In my composure, there’ll be dents.

This me.

It doesn’t stop.
Time ticks on.
Another thing follows,
As one moment’s gone.
Pushing on forward,
Or wanting to savour.
Hoping it will fall,
For once, in my favour.
I know what I want,
But it’s not destined to be,
So I pull up my boots,
And get on with this me.