Another season.

I crave a life,
I'm not sure I would lead.
Perhaps,
if I were a different breed.
I see what they have,
And it looks so smooth,
So like I expected,
But would I remove,
The ease and the flow.
Am I the reason,
That I'm always longing,
For another season.

Soft skin glove.

There is no awareness of others,
No attention to feelings or fright,
Just pushing forward in your desire.
No matter if it is not right,
For those that you drag in your wake,
For those you're supposed to love.
I cannot understand it,
Our job is to protect, like a soft skin glove.

Go with my heart.

If there isn't a worry now,
It'll soon be round the bend.
As quickly as we fix them,
There's another fence to mend.
Sometimes it feels too many,
To know just where to start,
But we have to keep on moving,
So I'll just go with my heart.

Draw back.

I needed to shed tears today.
It didn't matter why.  
I needed to let the feelings out.
I needed to deep cry.
Sometimes it's all too much,
To keep it tight inside.
As much as you disguise it,
Sometimes you just can't hide.
So I knew you I saw you.
I knew you felt the same.
So I taught you to release it,
Draw back, and begin again.

Whole of mine.

I felt it in my stomach,
And in the back of my throat.
It didn't matter what she told me,
Or even what I wrote.
It mattered how she was feeling,
It mattered how all behaved.
I needed her to be happy,
For yesterday to be be waved.
I wanted her back in Monday,
When everything was fine.
I want her heart to be whole,
Because she has the whole of mine.

Some of the sun.

I think I'll carry it with me,
Moving forward, and still on.
There was a greyness in my heart,
Thinking you could do so wrong.
A definite fear of disappointment,
A fear of who you are, or might become.
I want to believe your explanation,
To bring back some of the sun.

As you.

The timing that was perfect.
For you, but not for her.
I am left to pick up pieces,
Of the emotions you do stir.
Then you look at me with distaste,
Knowing you were wrong,
But you don't want to admit it,
So you hide it in a throng,
Of self-lies and justifications,
Reasons real and yet untrue.
You always want what you want,
But don't want to be seen as you.

Wrecked.

It went quicker than I thought it would,
But did not have the effect expected.
It made me realise I'm not missing out,
And yet still I felt disconnected.
It was a break, a test, a challenge,
But may not be worth its effect.
Only time will tell,
If the ship we sail is wrecked.

Stop-start.

I know things would be different,
Because they are when you're not there.
There is an altered feeling,
There is something in the air.
She rides the highs and lows.
She revels in the joy.
She works to make you smile.
She'll over-laugh or take to coy.
Perhaps it's part of learning,
But I worry for her heart.
Love should be a constant,
It should not be stop-start.

Rough waters.

It was all of half an hour,
Less than an hour, all in.
Yet you are pushing to make it over,
Whilst pretending with a grin.
If you'd been there all day.
If you were ending your tether,
I would understand, would recognise,
But my understanding is now leather.
No working, no effort, and it turns quickly tough,
I can not pretend, can not unsee,
And so our waters are rough.

Hold

I am here for you, I promise.
I am here. I am here.
I will hold you, as you asked.
Hold you close.  Hold you near.
I will keep on holding, tightly,
Will release only when you say.
I am here for you always.
We will hug those fears away.

Heavy loads.

I know that I am blessed,
Every single day.
Today had something extra.
For what reason, I cannot say.
I just look at you and marvel.
I look at you and my heart explodes.
A great joy can still come,
When you're holding the heaviest loads.

In order.

I had to tell someone,
Had to make it real -
Not something I just tell myself,
To deal with how I feel.
Life is always challenge,
Whether it's given or it's chosen.
We just have to move forward,
There's no joy in being frozen,
But it matters what will drive me.
It matters what I can bare.
I have to believe you're trying,
In order for me to care.

Divisions.

It feels it makes so much sense, 

That it explains it all,

But am I looking for a reason, 

Not to let the cleaver fall.  

It would free you of some blame, 

Make it less like it's your choice.  

You don't intend to break my heart.  

It's just your inner voice, 

Making it hard to see, 

That your choices, your decisions, 

Are driving a wedge of resentment, 

Are causing our divisions.   

I'm amazed.

I'm amazed by your audacity.
I'm amazed you think it's fine.
How can you not translate your (in)action,
And get why I then take mine.
Ignore that this is not what I pictured,
This is not what we long ago discussed.
How can you not see your selfishness,
Is the seedbed for all my distrust. 

You race

How can you not want the beauty?
However tiring it may be.
How can you not want the honour?
It's what it is.  How clear to see?
How can five minutes in a day,
Be enough to fill your heart?
Its exhausting, draining, I'll give you that,
But its worth it, every part.
The look she gives you? Priceless
The smile upon her face.
This is a hard but beautiful journey.
Not something through which you race.

Driftwood

It's all a little off kilter.
It's all just that little 'not right'.
Not feeling my best self in the day,
And fighting dream demons at night.
In my head I imagine a break,
Sit back, relax and deep breathe,
But it is all imagination,
It doesn't fit with the life that we weave.
I imagine the freedom to break out,
To let waves wash me clean, and repeat,
But I know that I would still have the consequences,
Like driftwood attacking my feet.

Quite a good while.

It had its bumps,
But it was a good day.
Whether it's one you'll remember,
It's tough to say.
It passed by pleasantly,
I relaxed into smile.
I will feel it, treasure it,
For quite a good while.  

The heart can feed.

The kind of day,
Where you push on through,
Where you feel like the weight,
Instead of the glue.
You miss the brightness,
You so recently enjoyed.
You cling to the memory of it,
To help you feel buoyed.
A night of good sleep,
Is what you need,
Sustanance on which,
The heart can feed.

To savour.

A day,
Where I felt,
Like the old me,
Sort of,
In my new life.
Something,
To savour.

They'll keep.

Your face so peaceful, now asleep.
The beauty of your peace.
Not quite the same an hour ago,
When your frustration chose release.
The stamping and the muttering.
The occasional shout out loud.
Your tiredness, you're overwhelm,
Hangs above you like a cloud.
Let's end today, let's hug it out.
Let's settle down to sleep.  
All those things you wanted to do today?
We have tomorrow.  They'll keep.

Five minutes of peace.

When I get five minutes,
Five minutes of peace,
I am a better person.
I've had my release.
My mind gets to focus,
Or just drift into space.
I am not being bustled,
Through your hectic race.
My senses need time,
To slowly power down,
To put a loving smile,
In the place of a frown.

A little time.

The sun is shining now,
Brighter than before.
The gentle breeze has blown on through,
Closing another door.
It's just temporary,
It will open another time,
But for now I'll enjoy the moment,
Of a little time that's mine.

Silent spat.

There is no talk. At least,
Nothing meaningful is said.
There is far more talking,
Inside my head.
There is so much,
That I wish to share,
But you are never really here,
You are always there.
Heading away,
To do this and that.
So few words,
A silent spat.
Never saying,
What is on your mind,
So quick to pass judgement,
And one that's unkind.
So I push forward,
Alone and withdrawn,
I can't blindly accept it.
It's not in me to fawn.

Like a toy.

This time has not been as expected.
I expected a little more joy.
I expected to feel a little more free,
But I actually feel like a toy,
Tied to the end of a rope.
A rope you love to dangle.
Even when you're not here,
I'm second guessing from your angle.
I still have the thoughts,
The worries and the fear.
I worry what you're doing,
And what it will mean when you are here.

Large corner.

I think of how I would have been,
If this had happened then.
I am grateful times have changed,
That I'm more like me again.
I'll never be the girl I was,
But now I'll only sometimes mourn her.
I am grateful to just find joy in now,
Which is a welcome turn round a large corner.

I am not ready.

Too many thoughts inside my head.
To many things to digest.
Just need five minutes to take a breath,
To close my eyes, take a rest.
My head feels full,
My eyes feel heavy.
I am not present,
I am not ready.
There's so much I feel,
That I must say,
But it must wait til tomorrow,
Cannot rise today.

Happy kid.

I liked today.
We rolled and smiled.
Sure, there was that tantrum,
But it was mild.
I saw today,
You're a happy kid.
Sometimes, in the rush,
That's been hid.
You're different, but happy.
Happiness trumps.
Who wants to be normal,
But down in the dumps?

Fight to be free.

It is so very easy to trigger a fear.
Even sleep can bring it near.
Grabs your mind, and keeps it churning,
Even when it's peace you're yearning.
Takes the joy out of the minute.
I am not present.  I am not in it.
I'm in the thought of what might be.
It grabs a hold and it's a fight to be free.

I chose...

There are days that I'm in countdown.
Doesn't matter if there's fun,
I am waiting for the shoe to drop,
So I'm also waiting for the sun,
To drop below the eye line,
To bring things to a close.
The eve makes it my time again,
In a life not mine, but one I chose.