Yesterday's worries.

When yesterday's worries,
Get lost in today's fires,
It leaves something hanging,
In the back of your mind.
Gone,
Sort of,
Kind of,
but not really.
Gone,
Sort of,
Kind of,
But not resolved.
When yesterday's worries,
Get lost in today's fires,
It leaves something hanging,
In the back of your mind.

Pain relief.

I worry for your safety.
I worry for your heart.
It feels as if the soul I love,
Is being torn apart.

I hate how you can't tell me,
Or don't know what to say,
I want to know the truth,
And take any pain away.

Bud.

It pulls at my insides,

To think of you like that.  

To think of you as mean,

A player of tit for tat.  

I want your soul to glow.  

I want you to work for good.  

I want your heart to blossom,

Not to shrivel at the bud.  

So I'll try my best, my hardest,

To guide you through the maze,

To balance pride with disappointment,

And love you all the days.  

The glares.

There are glimpses,
And I don't know how to deal with them.
I question,
Whether to lean in,
But I can't,
Because there are the glares.

Because there are glares,
I walk on past the glimpses,
With trepidation,
With distrust,
And choose,
To protect myself instead.

I may be throwing what I have to the wind,
But I can not bring myself to hug the cactus.

Pull at pieces.

Put today away,
In the corner,
In the dark.
Pull at pieces,
Gently, cautiously,
When I'm ready.
When I can consider them,
One at a time.

You happy.

In another day,
Where there was no let up,
Of little,
And medium,
Things,
Going wrong,
There was you,
Asking me to squeeze you again,
Because that makes you happy.  

Truly hope.

In my mind I've...
Even now...
I can't.
It's too much.
Too hard,
To put words together,
When my head,
And heart,
Maybe soul,
Is spinning.
Reaching out for something,
To cling to.
As you reached for me.
I hope,
Truly hope,
I did not let you down.

Ignition

Something fired in me yesterday.
No less polite,
But a little less apology.
A little more conviction,
More determination.
Have I not been fighting,
These last three years.
Why give up now,
On something so important.
The only settling will be after striving.
My wish for you, is my ignition.

The dance

Watching your mind spin,
Watching your heart burn,
There is nothing I wouldn't do,
Including be the 'earn'.

It made it so much clearer.
I want to up your chance.
What's the point in doing this,
If it's a chore and not a dance.

Chores.

I watch as your eyes refocus.
I'm unsure if you are trying to hide it,
And are oblivious to its obvious,
Or whether it is an unsubtle hint.

I carry on, regardless,
Because then you are aware,
And my chore is done.
I'm just sad that it's a chore.

Notes from the past.

I don't know why they hit me like they did.
I've lived this.
I know where we were.
I know where we are now.
I know the journey,
I know the distance between.
It just did.
It hurt.
Perhaps worse, it made me wonder.

Home made gift.

I don't know what I imagined,
But I didn't imagine this.
I suppose I thought some troubles,
But moments of warmth, of bliss.
I must have hoped for that image.
I must have wanted that lift.
Perhaps, although putting the work in,
I built the wrong home-made gift.

Fifteen minutes.

I love our chats before you fall asleep.
You try so hard to stay awake,
With question after question.
You don't really care for the answers,
You just don't want me to leave.
My heart, already skewed with my love for you,
Swells just that little more,
And fills the cracks from the broken pieces,
For a pure, warming, empowering,
Fifteen minutes.

Melt

When I started to think,
About what I would write,
The look in your face,
Was first in my sight.
The pull in your mouth,
The spite behind words,
But I've promised myself,
Not to be so absurd,
As to give you the strength,
To give you power,
To get in to my head,
And have my day to sour.
So I'll honour my feelings,
And write as I felt,
But consider it cleansed,
And that judgement can melt.

Talk

You were not expected.
You were not wanted.
Yet you made me feel a little more alive.
Just talking to someone who wants to listen.
Just talk.

Splintered

My mind has been splintered today,
So many things to do and say.
I haven't felt like me at all,
Like a shadow of me, on a spinning ball.
Your words tonight, they brought me home,
"Don't go just now, it will make me alone..."
Whatever this life, even if not what expected,
It's about you feeling the love, and never rejected.

My time.

I had two and a half hours,
Then two, then one.
I've half an hour left.
Where has my time gone?
I had this long list.
I had all these to-do's.
It's not like I lay there relaxing,
Or taking a much needed snooze.
I had two and a half hours,
Then two, then one.
I've half an hour left.
Where has my time gone?

Between us.

I survey my space.
So many ideas.
In days gone by,
I would have used the spark,
Moved furniture,
Painted walls,
And kept going,
Until all energy was gone.
It isn't like that any more.

I survey the space.
So many ideas,
That require a second thought,
Planning.
It can't all stop for me.
Anymore.
Then I realise,
That's the difference,
Between us.

Click

You hope things will change. 

You hope they will 'click'. 

That there will be a moment,

When it all starts to make sense again.

 

You hope that one day,

It will be easier.  

It will flow.  

It seems like it has been ebbing,

For so long.  

You are exhausted treading water,

But keep finding just enough,

In reserve, 

Not to give in. 

Because it's not about you,

Anymore.   

You hope things will change. 

You hope they will 'click'. 

That there will be a moment,

When you truly start to smile again.

Your position

I do not believe in violence.
I do not believe in war.
I was not in your position.
I did not see just what you saw.
I do not believe in oppression.
I do not believe in tyranny.
I believe in good, honest, souls,
I believe we should all be free.
I believe in what they told me,
Of who, of what you were,
And I will forever honour you.
These are the thoughts your pictures stir.

Refuel.

You curled up in my arms tonight.
It's been a rough old day.
You wanted me to hold you close,
You had fear I would not stay.

You curled up in my arms tonight.
It squeezed hard on my heart,
I hate to see you sad, in pain,
But I must not fall apart.

You curled up in my arms tonight.
The privilege was mine,
But my power to halt the heavy sobs,
Now needs refuelling with wine.

In the back of your mind.

I could see the sadness in your eyes.
I could sense it in your gait.
I went to sweep you up in hug,
You told me it could wait.
For four hours I tried to subtly tempt,
From you what was wrong.
In the end you set if free,
In the midst of a lullaby song.
The boy was there,
And he was mean,
He shouted at you.
He will haunt a dream.
So I pull you close,
I hold your hand,
Tell you you're amazing,
And I understand.
Tomorrow you focus,
On the friends that are kind,
And forever keep our love,
In the back of your mind.

And you mine.

The light in your eyes when you see me,
Floors me every time.
I never want you to lose it.
I am forever yours, and you mine.

Early morning smile.

Today I saw a spark in you,
In that early morning smile,
A spark it dawned I haven't seen,
In quite a little while.
The guilt for not knowing,
That it could have, should have, been.

Guilt

I woke,
From a dream,
Where I was happy,
And loved.

I woke,
From the dream,
And felt guilt.

I am awake,
At least.
At last.

The glow.

From the glow in your eyes,
I know my response.
Against my better judgement,
I will say yes.

I will say yes,
Because it brings you joy.
I can not take for granted,
Nor waste, such light.

At all.

He played the switch again today.
How expertly he twists it.
I saw it clear. Is that progress?
So many years, I missed it.
The look of hurt, of wounded soul.
As if it was not what he meant at all.

It comes without apology.
It comes just to set his burden free.
It comes to wrack your heart with guilt.
Mine already clogged with his emotional silt.

He played the switch again today.
How expertly he twists it.
I saw it clear, but still felt guilt.
The untainted heart, I miss it.
The gift of guilt, of damaged soul.
As if it was not what he meant at all.

So are you

I want to reach out and hold your hand.
I can't, but want you to understand.
Though there is distance between us.
And circumstance prevents travel,
I will be me, and write,
Let out thoughts unravel.

I'll say some right things, hopefully
And some wrong things, suredly,
But I am here,
You're not alone.
I'm the glowing light,
On your mobile phone.

You have this, I know it.
No fairy tale is all good.
No journey is all easy,
But on solid ground you're stood.

It's tough, but hold on,
Its just a tough time.
You're tough, you're strong,
You'll craft your lifetime.

One step, next step, with tears or none,
One day soon, this challenge will be gone.

You will breathe deep,
And really smile,
You will look back,
At this long hard mile,
And know it was worth it.
Trite but true.
The time will be worth it,
And so are you.

Great love

I expected a great love...
The words were not mine,
But left a scratch on my heart
That won't leave me with time.

Expected a great love?
I don't believe I ever had,
So for a moment, I paused,
And embraced the sad.

My life is of moments,
No grand fairy story,
No happily ever afters,
No basking in glory.

Yet, though 'true love'
Does not ring true.
It does not mean,
That I don't love you

Hope and fear

I am the strangest mix of hope and fear.
I am new to the place we stand right here.
I expected a reaction I knew, and didn't get.
So I fear it worse and just not yet.
If it doesn't come, what does that mean?
It is that this encourages hope in dream.