Burning

I have that feeling in my stomach.

My house is starting to burn all around me. 

I'm not to blame,

But it's still burning. 

Too many questions.

There were too many questions today.

Too many questions for my brain to handle with grace. 

Words that went in started dropping back out,

But by then they sounded tired. 

Words dropped out that sounded short. 

Those words were short. 

Some were even tinged with frustration. 

Maybe one or two sounded angry. 

You're asleep now, 

And I am going to drown those questions, 

Those words,

In wine.
I will toast to tomorrow.  

Friends

When filled with joy, you want to share,
And revel in the fact that friends are there.
Their presence acts as amplification,
But in sadness they are also medication.
In moments of loneliness, when all is lost,
And emotions are covered in a layer of frost.
When no one, no one, seems to care.
You're al alone, though countless souls are there.
Take one step back from all your fears,
And through the mist of salted tears,
See my hand - reach out and take it.
Any problem, we can break it.

To lose a part

A powerful fear, a constant dread.
A permanent ache inside my head
To lose a friend, to lose a part,
Of my own soul, would break my heart.

Meeting

I was in that decision place,

Of whether one glass was enough,

When we started in that sparky argument type banter. 

The type that seems to either turn a man on,

Or piss him off. 

At first, you could see. 

He was wobbling between the two  

By the close of the bar,

He was at the former. 

I only realised when the bar closed. 

I could tell he didn't want to leave. 

Or, at least he didn't want to leave without me. 

He suggested we take a walk. 

He was smart, funny, arrogant and respectful. 

He was also a little drunk, but then so was I. 

He sent an email so empassioned, 

I wish my boss hadn't seen it,  

And I took his flowers with me to Boston. 

Dark night

I'm laying here,
Close to tears.
Blame tiredness,
And all those fears.
That lonely feeling,
Deep inside.
That exposed concern,
With no place to hide.
With every day,
There's something wrong.
But every day,
You must go on.
You miss the person,
You once were,
But do not want,
To make her stir.
You'll only feel,
The loss much greater
And who you are now?
You must not hate her.
She's all you have,
And all you can give.
So you keep on going
You simply live.

History

That I can turn, head down, heart sore, and be held by you.
That my frown is so easily turned to smile,
And you can turn the weakest of smiles to laughter.

That we can sit and talk for hours.
That you even smile when I can't stop talking,
And yet we can do comfortable silences.

That even when you annoy me,
I still feel that pull to you,
And sometimes it even, grudgingly, makes me laugh.

That no matter how tired I feel,
I feel loved when I am with you,
And it suits me.

You stand behind me to make sure I have something to lean against.
I know that if I cried, you would hold me,
And absorb the pain.

That you worry whenever I lose my spark,
And that you want to reignite it.
That you can.

Thank you.

Waiting for results

I don't care for me.

I care for the me that cares for you. 

I care for you. 

There are no words for how much I love you. 

Only tears. 

So many tears,

Of every shape and size. 

I care for the you I could miss.  

I care for the nights, 

Like the last,

When you call for me,

To hug the nightmare away. 

To hold you,

Until you feel calm again.  

I care for the times when you catch my gaze,

To check that you are protected.
I care for those moments,

When your eyes light at my smile,

Your face begins to glow,

And you run to throw your arms around me. 

You run to me. You choose me. 

I worry,
That if I have to leave you,
Then it might leave you,
With a hole you cannot fill,
And a loneliness you cannot shake.
I do not want that for you.
I do NOT want that for you.

Me?
I worry that I may no longer,

Have the true, true, honour,

Of being your safe place,

Of being the cradle, 

Where you rest your frantic heart.
Your burning, bursting, heart.

I worry no one will love you,
With this force of power,
This depth,
And width,
And height.
For it must mean something,
Because, to me, it is everything. 

One word answers

It's those one-word answers that kill me. 

The obvious snubbing,

And the inability to relax in a conversation,

Reflects the disappointment and shame. 

They are polite but rude. 

They are just waiting to explode in to heartbreak. 

Near death experience

I don't have the clarity,

That some people say they have,

Nor did my life,

Flash before my eyes. 

I don't have a new found energy. 

I have a slight edge of confusion,

A physical tiredness,

And a, sort of, disbelief. 

Maybe, 

In a few days,

It will hit me,

And I will blubber for hours. 

Maybe, 

I'll have a nightmare tonight,

And it will haunt me,

For days. 

Grief

I had that burning sensation in my chest,

Where you feel like your heart is crying,

But I don't remember the content of the conversation. 

My mind

I sit here and I dredge my mind.
There are thoughts and memories I need to find.
My mind, it functions with more success,
When I let it flow and do not press.
Yet the more it flows, the further I travel,
Away from the point. The knot must unravel.

The thoughts my mind does produce,
Are not help in what I must deduce.
I think it's a cause of the pain,
That I cannot stand here again.
The nearer I tired, the deeper the knife,
So memories I generate, of gold idyllic life.

Perhaps they are more want than real.
They're tainted by emotions that I feel.
Those feelings, to me that you intro'd.
The lightings bright beside your road.
I see you blinded by such light,
But not other way would be as right.

Lust be the sun

Lust be the sun,

Love be the moon,

And when they do meet,

There is wonderous glory.  

Whether there is rise or set,

It's beautify is equal. 

So,

Friends be drawn to dawn,  

Lovers be drawn to dusk,

And be lost. 

Adrenaline

Once in the car, I could feel myself start to shake. 

I think it was the adrenaline from the confrontation,

Mixed with the shock of everything that had happened over the last few days. 

I had different loops running through my head. 

I was re-running my conversations, 

Thinking of smarter, sassier, funnier comments I could have made.

I was angry, annoyed, hurt, and completely confused. 

I wanted to cry. I had no real reason to, but I wanted to.

I was tired and fed up. I was weary.  

I wanted to curl up and disappear for a few days. 

I wanted to get back my energy and come out ready to fight. 

I wanted to be able to smile without it seeming like an effort. 

Parenting

Parenting.
Natures way,
Of telling you that you will no more,
Be the most important thing,
To yourself.
Yet you can be,
The most important thing,
To someone else.

Mind games

There is nothing I despise more than mind games,

From people who are supposed to love you. 

Playing with people,

Using them as toys. 

As if what you are feeling,

What you want,

Is not just second to what they want,

But what they can make you do. 

Mirror

I seem to have been learning,
About how people see me,
Of late.
Maybe that means,
Learning how I really am,
As well.

Letters

Writing to you, I got let my mind flow.
Let it go where it wanted to,
And say what it wanted to.
My mind was free when I wrote to you,
Because I always had the choice at the end.
Whether I should burn it, or send it.
To be able to set my mind on autopilot for the flight,
And yet reign it in for the controlled landing.

Half promises

It's the sort of promise you make,

Because you want it,

But you're only half convinced,

That it's ever going to happen. 

Regret

There are, as I try and live my life,

So many things I now regret. 

I regretted no action,

So took action. 

Now as I take action,

I regret action. 

Always wanting what you cannot have. 

Always scared of getting what you want. 

A wave of emotions.

Sometimes,

A wave of emotions passes over me,

And I physically raise my hands to my eyes,

To try and block the vision. 

I shudder,

And struggle to push the knowledge,

To be back of my mind,

Again. 

Realisation

Some conversations say nothing,
And suddenly mean everything.
It's just the realisation that caring is the only thing.
When it's real, pure.
Just simple heartfelt,
Can't help, caring.
Then it's the only thing.

You just are.

There is a thing worse than lonely.
It's that moment where you realise you're alone.
You didn't think you were,
But you suddenly realise you are.
You didn't think they were judging you,
But what they've just said,
And the way it was said,
You realise they are.
It hits you,
Hard in the stomach,
And all you want to do is cry.
It doesn't matter,
Whether they did it to you,
Or you did it to yourself.
It just is.
You just are.
Now.

Reflection

When I look at myself for a long time in the mirror,

I stop seeing the visual me. 

My mind seems to become tired of my face,

Seeing only shapes and lines. 

Then, gradually, 

Even the abstract lines have no meaning for me. 

As my eyes begin to blur,

My thoughts take over,

And what I see is a mix between memories and thoughts. 

The real me. 

It's then I know how much of me,

Is made up of those people I love,

And have loved. 

I see parts of them in me. 

It's for that single moment,

That I can't dislike anything about myself,

Because I love the people who made me. 

Questioning look

I like the way he smiles at me.
I like the way it could be a question.
A question he thinks I understand,
But he's not expecting an answer to.
I like those people who don't expect answers.
Not just yet.

Rather not

I'd rather not talk about the last three months,
Because the descriptions you try and force now,
To explain even a part of the experience,
Can't do justice to where your heart and mind was.

Poem

Those days are gone and I miss them.
Full of words, I'd force pen to paper.
Creating sense in simple strokes of ink.
Understanding myself, and others.
Cleansing for the fresh day.
Crying 'til the hollow breath.
The pause means done - and sleep.
The deep breath, the release, and the poem.
Awareness.

Pick up

I had to laugh when the bar woman approached me.
She said, "The gentleman at the bar over there,
Would like to buy you a drink.
The one in the blue coat, just there."
That had never happened to me before,
And it seemed surreal.
Like it was a movie.
He was a sweet, but not so sweet,
23 year old from Louisiana.
Missing home and life
An extra from 'The Big Easy'.
"It chaps my ass." He said.
"Does it really? Do tell."
Replied the amused English lady.

Perceptive

Sometimes I amaze myself,
By my ability to think myself out a good mood.
To concentrate in negative things,
And to choose to prioritise those over the positive ones,
To worry about things that might not necessarily be true.
I was told too early in life that I was right, insightful,
Because now I'm always wondering,
If that dark thought I had was the perceptive truth.

Optimism (cowboy style)

On the journey back to the house,
Bernie told me the cowboy hat rule.
White for summer.
Black for winter.
The ones on the dance floor,
Or on the heads of the people on the floor,
Had been a mixture.
"So tonight, when folks can't decide,
Whether it's summer or winter,
Is the right time to identify,
Those who think half full,
And those who think half empty..."
He laughed, looked back at me,
Looked at his white hat on the seat next to me,
And smiled.