Impatient.

I'm not sure how I am.
I'm not sure what it means.
I don't want to over react,
But what if all's not what it seems.
I know I'm not myself,
But I'm not completely ill.
I am moving through each day,
But I more often need some still.
I need to not be standing,
I need to rest my head.
I am impatiently waiting for an indicator.
I do not want to end up dead.

Dear.

I look at you,
As you so peacefully sleep.
Your soul as whole,
I want to keep.
I cannot trust,
The world with you.
My dear, sweet, heart,
What I would not do,
To keep you safe,
To hold you near.
Your beautiful soul,
Is all that's dear.

As King.

You took a beautiful day,
And you did your usual thing.
Your life is all that matters.
Your experience rules as King.
I speak my words of reaction.
I speak my feelings clear.
I will not take your guilt.
It is not mine to clear.  

Flower from seed.

What would I feel,
If it weren't for you.
Who would split,
My heart in two?
What would I do,
With my mind,
If you weren't here,
Being unkind?
Where would,
My busy thoughts go?
Left to run free,
Without each blow.
Would they run free,
Without the lead?
Would they flourish,
Flower from seed?
Would they simply,
Look for another?
Seeking out,
Your spiritual brother.
Seeking out,
What it knows.
This heart,
You semi-froze.

Overworks.

There he is to test me.
There he is to pull at strings.
I buckle down, I fake a smile.
Brace myself for what it brings.
My mind searches for solutions,
It searches for repair.
It tries to fix the problem.
It overworks, but it is there.

Know not how.

Too tired to say what should have been said.
Giving in, instead, to dreams.  
Those words may not have been outwardly said,
But they're still there inside, it seems.
Praying for a night of sleep,
Too tired to go there now.
Praying for the grace of safety.
I'll have to cope, but know not how.

Well worn.

It has increased my understanding.
Knowledge has been gained.
There were moments where I smiled,
But I always felt restrained.
It never felt just easy.
It never felt like joy.
Always there, but not considered,
Like a favourite toy.
There for someone else's needs,
It has a job to perform.
Dragged along behind you.
Is it loved, or just well worn?

Cast adrift.

I try to reign in my thoughts.
Try to think with generosity.
Then you pull the carpet free,
With a rather surprising velocity.
I am tired of the mind games,
In what should be my space.
I am so oft' cast adrift,
In what should be my place.

For so many years I took for granted,
What I had and what was given.
I was blessed, I was loved.
I was respected, and I driven
I look back at that fondly,
My dream now cast adrift.
I was blessed and I was loved,
So I know now what I missed.

Grown

What can look idyllic,
Can be a heart that's sore
For years I will have watched,
And hoped for that and nothing more.
The grass isn't always greener,
There can be dangers in the weeds.
You can lose established happiness,
When you start planting seeds.
You can get lost in your own garden.
Forget your own way home.
I'm still working out if I've retreated,
Or if this is what they call grown.

Stellar advice.

I try to remember the stellar advice,
That I have oft' imparted.
Focus on the positives,
Is how I've often started.
Your life is blessed innumerably,
Don't suspect your cursed.  
Focus on the positives.
Lines, so well rehearsed.
It's not the one you imagined,
And hopefully not one you deserve,
But my god you have it better,
Than so many on this earth.

My fear.

I do not trust you.
I do not trust you with her.

I do not trust your decision making.
I do not trust your instincts.

I do not share your priorities.
You do not value what I do.

You take my heart.
You hold my fear.
You take my heart,
All I hold dear.

Queen of fools.

Sometimes life reveals.
In bursts and then in streams.
As I stood there all alone.
I realised I lost my dreams.
I was shifted to the back,
Whether immediately or over time.
The focus is on others,
And the choices never mine.
I built this leaning tower,
Or at least I held the tools,
I am a prisoner to my choices,
I am the queen of fools.

Layers peeling.

I felt the wind blow through.
I felt the layers peeling.
I did not want to move,
To lose how I was feeling.
It's better in these moments,
But the core issues remain.
There is still the repressed anger,
That when you leak, still causes pain.

If she bleeds.

Is the difference me or you?
Have you felt it these past days?
Have you shifted how you react,
Or have I changed my ways.
Are you performing for her
There are times the cracks till show.
I am tired from being 'the one'
I can not just let things go.
I'm the one who has to plan ahead,
The one who is prepared.
I take the responsibility,
Because it isn't shared.
I am ever now the mother,
And more so with her needs.
I am prepared when she is hungry,
And prepared for if she bleeds.
I know what will scare her,
I know when she'll need care.
Your disparaging remarks,
Show you don't understand, aren't there.

Prison.

Skirting outside the norm.
So far, for just one day.
Rolling from moment to moment,
Almost to tired to say,
That sometimes pushing sideways,
Is the right decision
It is not always the easier one,
But can still free you from a prison.

My instructor.

Being in the presence of positive energy,
Makes me a better me.
Makes me a better person.
It's quite unnerving to see.
It's jarring to my soul, my heart.
It's shocking to see the change.
I am literally glowing.
It's like they've broadened up my range.
It's almost frightening to see myself,
In the box that I usually live.
When all I get is negative energy,
I have little but that to give.
When I am given warmth and honest smiles,
I'm like a mass conductor.
I'm amplifying happiness.
These days have been my instructor.

Emotional crutch.

Your fears are simpler,
But as many as mine.
So whilst I may not understand them,
The worry does chime.
I offer what I need,
When life seems just too much.
I am the hug and the love,
The emotional crutch.  

Braised.

I wonder what it will feel like,
When they truly have gone.
Will the sky suddenly be lighter?
Or will another cloud move on?
Are they purely a trigger,
That can be erased,
Or are they just a scapegoat,
In a soul painfully braised?
I never wish for harm.
I never wish for pain,
But I cannot help but long for,
A time without this game.

Cloying net.

I can feel the cracks today.
I can feel the pain.
I've tried so hard cover it,
But it rising up again.

I can feel the heaviness.
I can feel the cloying net.
I thought that I was finding a peace,
But I haven't got there yet.

Real concerns.

It's like I know what can't be known,
Just because I know what to expect.
We have been here too many times.
I am weather beaten, in that respect.
I try to put aside my fears,
But they are close enough to touch.
They do not see my real concerns,
But then no one love her quite as much.

This plough.

Is there any point in being mad with myself?
It doesn't change a thing.
I am acutely aware of the blessings I've ignored.
The bells of ingratitude ring.
I desperately want that back again.
The things I took for granted.
I want to be fully present for her,
Without a skew that makes life slanted.
I recognise my failings,
So much clearer now.
I want to regain focus,
But don't want to lose this plough.

In the doze.

Just not right.
Is it something sleep will cure?
Is it the tension in the shoulders,
From one too many knock?
Is it irritated sinuses,
Inflamed and close to block?
The aches and irritants are present,
The eyes, they want to close.
I am going to let them.
To wallow in the doze.

One clear constant.

A telling day.
Was it the day, or me?
Was it perfectly arranged,
Or did he just stop enough to see?
Indicators, right and left.
How our lives have, over time, been weft.
Patterns forming, as things shift.
The one clear constant? You're my gift.

My one.

Life keeps moving forward.
Time keeps passing on.
I won't always be your go-to,
But you'll always be my one.

Deserve to shine.

You are changing.  You are growing.
You have chips starting to show.
I can see that some are my 'fault'.
I try my best, but don't always know,
What you will take so deeply.
Your triggers are different to mine.
Every day, I will try to polish them out.
My darling you deserve to shine.

I remember her.

As I talk to you, I remember her.
She is closer to me now.
I cannot be her again,
I really don't know how.
It is lovely to almost touch her,
But it's not important that she stays.
It's important that I grow,
But that can happen in many ways.

Still carrying.

I'm still carrying your first offence,
So when you up the count,
I struggle then to look at you.
My distaste begins to mount.
I question all your actions,
And my decisions then for sure.
Your behaviour is not acceptable,
But I suspect my translation is not pure.

On guard.

This I remember.
This feeling hits home.
When you're made a stranger.
You are clearly alone.
This, a reminder,
Of why I am here.
When all your wondering,
Is suddenly clear.
This I remember.
This feeling hits hard.
When you've been made a stranger.
Your heart is on guard.

Sleep's required.

Some days you just need to rest,
Your head on something soft,
And take ten minutes peace,
To keep your spirit aloft.
Today was not my best job,
But perhaps not my all time worst.
I'll try and rally in the morning,
But sleep's required first.

In the mix.

So many warnings,
Things to address,
So many triggers,
Creating a mess.
I know I should tackle,
I know I should fix,
But not today,
Whilst I'm deep in the mix.  

Watch it fall.

Is feels strange to write,
Before the day is done.
Stronger feelings,
Could always come.
Putting my day,
On this page,
It's what I'll go back to,
In another age.
I sense the rest of the day,
May not be mine,
So I am taking,
Just this moment in time,
Reflecting on how,
I can overthink it all.
Throw it up in the air,
And watch it fall.