Push on.

All the things these days used to be,
Are no longer.
A part of me feels guilt. Only a part.
I’m now stronger.
I would work for your happiness,
And see it not met.
I would work even harder.
I would worry, fret.
I do feel some guilt.
Something’s gone.
But now I must be met half way,
For me to push on.

The warmer.

When I am treated like a human,
The warmer I become.
I turn my heart towards kindness,
Like a plant towards the sun.
I breathe a little deeper.
Worries, they deplete.
My mind slows just enough,
That my old self, I sometimes meet.

Spare day.

This day was not what I planned,
But it doesn’t make it lost.
Like finding winters come too soon,
But seeing beauty in the frost.
This week we have tomorrow,
And the day coming after that.
Today is like the spare day.
The lazy sleeping cat.  
Conserving all its energy,
For the next happenstance of fun.
Smiling knowingly at others,
Whilst basking in the sun.

Your back.

How deeply you can burn my heart.
Part of it still smarts.
I thought that we were tied so tight,
That nothing would sever our hearts.
It turns out being your safe place,
Means your broken heart slices through me.
I will always, always, be there for you,
But it’s my job to make you see,
Broken hearts, and disappointment,
Do not justify attack.
Lay your feelings at the feet of those you trust,
And they will have your back.

Breath of reprieve.

I hold my breath.
I feel the rising nerves.  
I am eager for smooth,
But life is more curves.
For some reason, tonight,
I was sensing some trial.
I wanted to hide,
And place myself in denial.
I want just one weekend,
With joy, without fear.
A breath of reprieve,
From what threatens my dear.

Flies.

There’s something in the air today,
I feel it, as do you.
You’re ever so quick to react,
And need comfort, so as not to turn blue.
There were flies buzzing inside me today,
And I thought I was the only one.
Once I knew you were with me,
The flies were suddenly gone.

These dreams.

I have these images in my mind.
I see things that give inspiration.
I smile a little to myself,
An inner joy, a quiet elation.
Sparke of what I’d’ve liked life to be,
Of the person I am inside.
The bits of me I used to honour,
But,for some reason, I now hide.
I squeeze pieces, shards, into daily life.
Like sparks in a day of grey.
Waiting, eager to start a fire,
These dreams long to have their day.

Time.

Out through the mouth,
In the nose.
Exhale and inhale.
You know how it goes.
Not shallow, but deeply.
Lungs filling up.
Hoping to re-fill,
Your inner cup.
Peace, patience,
Happiness, trust.
The cup may be aging,
Starting to rust,
But it does a job,
If you give it the time.
Time, I must remember,
Can sometimes be mine.

Fear hearted.

It is not easy letting go.
I cried as we parted today.
All those feelings I’d kept inside.
Were desperate to have their say.
I am strong for you, or I try to be,
But inside my heart is weeping.
I tell you what you need to hear.
My fears for you, I’m keeping.
It is not easy letting go.
I cried when today we parted,
But I held on until you were out of sight.
I will not see you fear-hearted.

Turns to dust.

I thought you deserved some joy.
I thought you deserved some fun,
You think it’s worth the risk,
That it’s just life, when the day is done.
It just didn’t work out how I hoped.
And you end up with the pain.
I end up with the guilt,
That we are here again.
Life is a daily fight,
‘Tween over-protection and trust,
When it happens, and I don’t know why,
My sense of balance turns to dust.

Gift.

I would rather not,
Spend my time,
With those,
Who bring out the worst in me.
I would rather not,
Be that person.
I would rather,
Just be.
I do not like the jibes,
I feel each and every one.
As much as I’m told,
‘That’s just who they are’,
I count down,
‘Til they are gone.
My shoulders,
Feel much lighter,
My mood,
Begins to lift.
Sometimes,
An emptier room,
Can be,
The greatest gift.

Tales of strangers.

You are moved by things I would not expect,
But not by the things I would.
You melt at tales of strangers,
But at her achievements you are as wood.
I appreciate diversity,
And know we aren’t the same,
But it’s her heart, her spirit, her confidence
This matters.  It’s not a game.

Sorry and hope.

You can not undo mistakes.
You can only be sorry and hope.
I am the type to overcompensate.
That is how I cope.
I do not aspire to perfection,
Just good enough for you.
To keep you safe, and always loved.
When you break? To be the glue.
You cannot undo your mistakes,
As I cannot undo mine,
But in loving each other as we do,
Is the closest we’ll be to fine.

Glove.

No one wants that type of call.
A stomach set in spin.
It was a better outcome than I feared,
But I still want to draw you in.
I want to pull you close,
And keep the world at bay.
I want to keep you safe from harm,
But that’s really not the way,
To let you take the chances,
To let you feel the joy.
You are you’re own person,
And not somebody’s toy.
I’ll still always want to shield you,
It comes with the depth of love.
It’s down to watch I teach you.
Your knowledge will be your glove.

Pull back.

Tomorrow I need a pull back day.
I need some space for me.
I need to close my eyes, and breathe.
I want to watch the birds in the tree.
I need to truly drink a coffee,
For itself and just for me.
I need to take a breath,
Because life has been running me.

What time is for.

A trigger of my memories.
A pricking at my heart.
All those feelings flooding forward.
Where then should I then start?
Looking back with hindsight,
But still feeling more than a little raw.
I’m not ready yet to tackle them.
That’s what time is for.

As dear.

When I'm not here,
I have not left you.
I'm just somewhere else,
Thinking of you.
When I'm not here,
I have not left you,
There's no reason,
To be scared or blue.
I'm just someplace else,
Doing something,
That I cannot do right here,
But there's nowhere,
I would rather be,
And no one,
As loved, as dear.

Your truth.

I cannot bear for life to break you,
Nor for that spark to dim.
It is always in my busy mind.
The glass of wine with broken rim.
I cannot bear for life to harm you,
You bless a room with joy.
You deserve your own to be unfettered,
You are your truth and not a toy.

Spin.

In those brief and quiet moments,
I am the me I used to be.
Sure of how I'm feeling,
And the closest I've been to free.
In those brief and quiet moments,
I am breathing deep and I am calm.
I feel no threats, no dark challenges,
No thorns to do me harm.
In those brief and quiet moments,
I try to soak it in.
To hold it, trap the memory,
Before life takes another spin.

Spray.

There's always quiet judgement.
I am too used to that face.
That face you pull, as though disgusted,
Can poison any space.
A room that once had air,
That once had space and light,
Can be fogged with your mist.
It isn't fair.  It's isn't right.
You've been told. You've mea culpa'd,
But make no attempts to change.
I'm supposed to just ignore them,
But I can't.  Why is that strange?
You're expressing an emotion.
You're sending it my way.
You've tossed it in the air,
A soul damaging spray.
I can't help but be infected,
By the emotions that you throw.
Why do I have to accept them?
Aren't we both supposed to grow?

Winning.

The day has gone too fast,
For me to focus on the now.
For brief seconds only,
I register just how,
Lucky I am, or how I am blessed.
I know it, but am lost in the haze,
Of all the things that need my attention,
To just get through the days.
Sometimes I'm just trading water,
In the list of things to be done,
But by seeing your heart, I can also see,
That though I've failed the list, I've still won.

Choose.

Some days it's hard to be grateful,
For the kind things that you do,
Because of the things you don't,
Because of the times when you're that you.
In my mind I am always grateful,
For the benefits you give,
But sometimes my heart mourns the fact,
That it's not how you choose to live.

There.

When pain is omnipresent,
But you cannot take a break.
When you live your life for orders,
And nothing's for your sake.
The deep breath that you take,
To help you power on through,
Holds a part of me inside it.
I will always be there for you.

Frame.

When you're scared,
That your body,
Is about to give in, give way,
To an illness,
Or a fever,
And you will not have a say.
When you're scared,
That your body,
Is about to drop its game,
Hold on,
Let it rest,
Let it grasp a frame.

The glue.

This is me, as close to peace,
As my days now get.
There are still the thoughts of worry,
But the joy is greater yet.
I wonder about the other life,
Through the sliding door.
Would it be so much harder,
Or would I love it more?
The one thing I couldn't bare,
Would be to lose what makes you, you.
You are the responder to your experiences,
Your soul is the glue.

A dart.

I ride the wave of worry,
As it looks like you're not well.
How will it transpire?
It's too early now to tell.

My sleep will be disturbed.
I will ride the wave of worry.
My stomach twists, and occasionally
My heartbeats become a flurry.

My worry is for you.
My dear sweet little heart.
Sometimes this wave of worry,
Means my happiness holds a dart.

A pinch.

If we were left in peace,
I would be more grateful for tomorrow.
It takes the sweet release,
And adds a pinch of sorrow.
If we were left in peace,
I would be more grateful for these days.
To meet their wants and expectations,
I am the one that pays.  

Impacted.

My mind is not the thing it was.
It bends and shifts in ways,
That it didn't do before.
It can get tired in a haze.
It struggles now to concentrate,
And that was what I knew.
Getting in to detail,
Focused as time flew.
Now my mind is tired,
And easily distracted.
Something that's surprised me,
Is how my soul's impacted.

Must not.

My gratitude,
Is for you today.
The way you look at me,
And the things you say.
Oh my girl,
You have such a heart.
I pray for us both,
That we must not part.

On my way.

Although I may be healing,
Today tells me I'm not whole.
The rips come all to easily,
Though I can see my goal.
I can feel the sadness looming,
From the disappointment and the pain.
Though my vessel is getting stronger,
It's can be easily rocked again.
A deep breath, and reflection,
Then put the day away.
Learn from this experience,
And get back on my way.

Being true.

I understand the effect it has,
But I cannot just pretend.  
I have tried to live to please,
But it collapses in the end.
To live to make them happy,
Means you lose the things that are you.
Understand you would prefer agreement,
But I would not be being true.