Makes it Fine.

This is not what I had in mind,
For this day, for today.
It was supposed to be a time,
When I had my way.
It was supposed to be a collection,
Of moments that were mine.
It isn’t, but I am grateful for the love,
And so that makes it fine.

Breathing deep.

This is my five minutes.
This is my piece of joy.
It is by no means perfect,
But here I am no ones toy.
In this five minutes, I am smiling.
I am breathing deep.
This is what life’s about.
These are the memories I wish to keep.

You’re not owed.

This is where my heart is.
Yes, mine moved.  How did yours not?
Life is supposed to change.
This ever tangling knot.
When we agreed to take a journey,
I thought you knew that things would alter.
How could you believe,
That we’d never stumble or even falter.
If you choose not to carry weight,
Someone else will take your load,
But f you do bout the work in,
Don’t be surprised if you’re not owed.

The paint.

If you need me, I’ll be in the corner,
For a variety of reasons.
Life it comes in waves,
In chapters, and in seasons.
I wanted this, I asked for it,
And I know how I am blessed,
But it’s not as I imagined it,
The paint has become messed.
I take a deep breath and push forward,
I’ll keep waiting for my time,
When I can breathe again,
And my life is more like mine.

Never cease.

I will worry for you.
It feels like it’s my job,
To pre empt the risks you don’t see,
Even though it may often rob,
Me of the pure joy of the moment,
Of the moments peace.
My worry comes from loving you,
And that could never cease.

Plant my feet.

I think the same.  I write the same.
If it were only this.
Difficult, for sure,
But difficult with bliss.
I write the same, Because I feel the same.
These things will not seem to alter.
I keep on tripping on tired wires.
I can’t progress.  It makes me falter.
I know my cues, I know my triggers.
For the cocked barrel, I’m ever ready.
Inside my wires are singing,
But I plant my feet to be your steady.

Into freight.

Today was supposed to be my day,
But I could not let it be.
My heart and mind are intertwined with others.
I do now though clearly see,
The reasons I am not myself,
The reasons I carry the weight.
Life has taken turns,
That have turned cards into freight.

Mental stack.

Am I giving myself a thought reprieve,
Or just burying my head in the sand?
Taking a brief pause on the worried ‘what if’s’,
As if I’m holding my own hand.
Of course, I’m second guessing.
Of course there’ll be slipping back,
But I’m finding that I need a pause.
There’s just too much on my mental stack.

Life below.

I woke not knowing what day it was.
I woke unsure of the time.
I woke unsure of whether,
This life is really mine.
I’m living some one else’s reality.
Other people play the tune.
I lie here and I imagine,
Life below a different moon.

Suitably fired.

My heart, my spirit, has taken,
Many twists and turns today.
So much so, that now I find,
I know not what to say.
There’s so much there to process,
But my mind is far too tired.
I will break them down another day,
When I am suitably fired.

Quite the opposite.

Five minutes earlier I was carefree.
Does it not always happen that way.
I regret my choice of actions.
I chose the wrong card to play.
I fought against me instincts.
I tried to live without fear.
It ended up quite the opposite,
And so now I find myself here.

Please wait.

No words from the heart tonight.
It wants a moment’s peace.
We’ve had the conversation,
Where I said my piece.
That’s enough for my soul today.
I can’t go over it again.
I’m sure they’ll be back tomorrow,
And so please wait ‘til then.

For another day.

Sometimes exhaustion encourages worry,
Sometimes it quietens it, mutes its voice,
But the thing with exhaustion,
Is you have no say, you have no choice.
You’re too tired to wrest control.
Your reserves will have their say.
You hang on and ride that train,
Until you can sleep for another day.

Many a mile.

It’s more than enough.
It’s everything,
But I secretly wish for less.
I suspect things would be easier,
If we were not in this mess.
They are tiring, don’t get me wrong,
But tiring, with a smile.
Love with peace, without concern,
Can carry you many a mile.

Of these days.

Some things you want to hide from,
Because your heart’s not ready.
You’ve taken quite a beating,
And your feet are not yet steady.
It’s easier to keep on moving,
One foot before the other.
Leave today, dear recovering heart.
Of these days, there’ll be another.

Willing toy.

Glimpses,
Of what it could be,
Blinded,
By the return of reality.
I cling to them,
In anxious joy.
They ever make me,
Their willing toy.

Peace in chaos.

It’s hard, but it is easier.
I’ll miss it when it’s gone.
We made be in an easier rhythm,
So very different, but still one.
It’s hard, but it is easier.
I take deep breaths and push on through.
I am most at peace in the chaos,
When I am facing it with you.

Three seconds.

Three seconds is all I have,
But those three seconds are mine.
You live how you want to live.
To be sure, you’re living fine.
Leave me to my existence.
I choose to do what’s right.
I will hold her as she cries,
Whilst you sleep at night.

On pause.

I cannot face your face.
It brings regret to decisions made.
The love that I once felt,
You are determined to see fade.
How can you be so blind,
To the reactions your actions cause.
To survive, I’m treading water.
I have put my life on pause.

Sentry.

Tired eyes are fighting open,
But there’s still much to do.
I want to get it squared away,
But want to stay with you.
I want to be your guard,
Waiting sentry at her post.
You are the important thing.
Your safety’s needed most.

Heart to keep.

One thing, then another,
Dragging on my heart,
Removing any energy,
To continue, or to start.
Wanting just to hide,
To briefly walk away.
Knowing that’s not possible.
Life will have its way.
Sitting.  Taking a deep breath.
Wanting my feet to dig deep.
Giving me the strength to keep on standing.
I have a heart to keep.

Pretense.

I want to laugh it off,
Pretend it’s not doused in fear.
This tale that I present to you,
As I hold my child so near.
This heartfear that I need to temper,
Before it runs away,
With my heart and mind,
For I need strength to last this day.

Much less.

This.  Being me.
Even though this blanket on my shoulders,
Is something I still see,
It doesn’t feel as heavy.
It doesn’t drag me down.
There are more spontaneous smiles,
And much less of the frown.

Floundered.

When you think you have survived the day,
But then it forks and goes a different way.
My eyes they close, heavy and sad.
I miss the smile I so recently had.
My stomach leaps, I feel sick within.
My head imagines, and begins to spin.
I am left with another night of fear,
Where all I want is to draw you near,
And for the fear to be unfounded.
That our happiness will rise
Though tonight it floundered.

Anchor.

I was hit tonight,
With how much we mean to each other.
The terror of ever leaving you,
Of not being there to be your mother.
We have a bond that’s precious.
I could not bare that we could part.
I must turn my mind from such dark thoughts,
That are a knife into this heart.
I must focus on the joy of it.
That I can light your face.
I am also the anchor you cling to,
To hold you to a steady pace.
That you glow as you say you love me,
And then again as I reply.
You are the very world to me.
You are the reason why.  

Stay.

It was everything I remember,
And brought back memories from the past.
I would love to have them on repeat
For this part of life to last.
For me, this is us at our best,
Living a happy way,
But I know these are just moments,
And will not be allowed to stay.

Twine.

Who does it reflect on?
You, or is it me?
Your lack of wider consideration,
Or my singularity?
You have your priority,
And it’s not the same as mine.
Two very different materials,
Trying to work as twine.

Knowledge gift.

Sometimes not knowing,
Is the tipping point.
It makes you crave the answer.
To move you need a joint.
Bending, flexing, reacting,
Allowing you to lift.
Sometimes not knowing,
Brings a knowledge gift.