Craving solitude.

I am craving solitude today,
I am craving a moment’s peace.
An escape, a pause, some time.
A fragment of release.
My mind wants to go it’s own way,
Be free and undisturbed.
Its craving others silence,
So that it can now be heard.
I will not get my solitude today,
I will not get a moment’s pause.
There will be no escape, no time,
Until I close the doors.

In washes.

The joy I felt this morning?
I knew it wouldn’t last.
It can only be transient,
Or a memory from the past.
The worst of all, tonight?
In washes my fears,
And I then make things much worse.
I could shed all the tears.
If this starts a chain reaction,
My mind and heart may break.
I cannot face another thing.
This is already so much to take.

Trust in the progress.

It was my instinct to hold you close,
To draw you within my sphere.
When you are so physically low,
I feel a need to have you near.
I want to be your defender,
To comfort you in your ills.
To shield you from more threats,
To be your valley’s hills.
You needed time to recuperate,
I needed time to regroup.
This will happen again,
Your health is often on a loop.
I questioned my decision yesterday,
Was it for you or more for me?
Seeing you today?
There is truth in the progress I see.

Cover with frost.

If it isn’t one,
It’s another.
My daughter. Mother.
Father? Brother?
Life an onslaught,
That never ends,
Until it does.
It’s why my stomach bends.
My heart pushed faster,
Too fast for it’s good.
On the outside, I stand here,
Solid.  Like wood.
Inside I quiver,
Inside I’m lost.
Inside I’m burning,
And so I cover with frost.

My utmost

This feels like a place in time,
That is something just to wade through.
My focus, as it always is,
Is doing my utmost to protect you.
I’m trying so very hard,
I’m balancing demands,
But so much of this life,
Is pure out of my hands.
I sit here and I hope,
That my best was good enough,
And hope this thing, somehow,
Makes us the better kind of tough.

Blessed to do.

I don’t like the way they treat you,
But I’m not ever there to know.
I’m going off what you say,
And I wasn’t there to see the flow.
I am naturally pre-biased,
I will always lean to you.
It’s the role that you gave me,
And what I’ve been blessed to do.

To the drum.

It’s the realisation,
That fear will never end,
It’s an exhausting, terrifying,
But usual friend.
I want peace of mind,
And it will never come.
No matter how hard,
I walk to the drum.
My heart will always,
Be gripped with fear,
For the love of a child,
I hold more than dear.

Freight.

I can’t carry everyone,
Every day.
I’m broken,
Still finding my way.
I cannot carry all
These loads.
I know seeing the less weighted hurts,
It goads,
But I,
Did not create this weight,
I’m just doing my best,
To move with this freight.

Made of bricks.

Sometimes the exhaustion,
Brings me to tears.
As I feel another kick in the teeth.
I walk with the impression,
I have this handled,
But there is worry not far beneath.
I do all I can,
Consistently,
I am driven to not let us fall,
But it doesn’t stop my disappointment,
That I cannot be perfect,
Be all.
I fear the mistakes,
I accidentally make,
Will cause something that I can’t fix.
Throw in the choices of others,
And this wall
Becomes one made of bricks.

Amidst all else.

A day,
That presented to me some fears,
But I pushed on through,
Ignoring sneers,
Til this,
The point I feel most happy.
I was not good,
I was snappy.
Just in places,
Under strain,
A worried heart,
A tired brain,
Wrapped together,
In love for you.
I hold it together,
Because you are the glue.
I hold it together,
Because you need me to be,
Real love,
Amidst all else you see.

What’s best.

I do not like this state,
Teet ring on fear,
Heart at the gate.
I want to move onl,
From this time,
To keep in moving,
Through this steady climb.
I can feel things snapping,
The tension wires being stressed.
I am feeling every point,
Where I do not know what’s best.

Scary to sad.

This is the moment I hit the wall,
The moment I choose to sleep.
I have to take some time away from it all,
If I want my senses to keep.
How quickly it turns from scary to sad,
And how grateful I am for the change.
Tonight was not the horror I feared,
So I am blessed, but feeling strange.

Your anchor.

I know that something’s wrong,
But I do not yet know what.
I am walking you through the tremors,
Considering all the clues I’ve got
For now I’ll keep on catching,
Each emotion that you throw,
And holding you together,
Til the truth of it begins to show.
I will be the thing you ask for.
I will be your port in this storm.
I will be your anchor,
Still we return to norm.

Our cores.

My day is better when I really listen.
You always tell me something vital.
Life is to be lived with you,
But you are happiest in your recital.
You give your heart completely,
And so choose to limit friends.
You spread joy to all as you breathe,
But know your energy ends,
Unless you have a touchstone,
And life has chosen to make me yours.
We have been truly gifted,
To our very cores.

Charred heart.

This will burn inside me.
This should not be the way.
This is not how,
I’d choose to end a day.
I was drawn into a decision,
By the charring of a heart.
I don’t know how to heal it.
I don’t know where to start.
I wish I’d handled things differently
I wish I wasn’t here,
It hurt more than I expected,
And I did not wipe the slate clear.
I regret your actions.
I also regret mine.
Was this a defining moment?
The answer will show in time.  

Your response.

You will offer what I did not ask.
You will shrug as if it’s nought,
Yet when it comes to the moment,
I am left here fraught.
You make promises you need not.
They end up ones you cannot keep.
When I must meet your promises,
Your response makes me lose sleep.

Holding heads.

Take it moment by moment,
Roll with the punches and curves.
Just run with whatever presents,
Pull what you can from reserves.
Hold on for dear life darling,
Humble yourself where you need.
This is about holding heads above water,
This is about getting freed.

On the morrow.

I always know where my heart is,
But am struggling to place my head.
Perhaps it’s best not to think,
Perhaps it’s best to go to bed.
Perhaps it’s best to let sleep take me,
And start again tomorrow.
Nothing will have changed,
But it may look clearer on the morrow.

No game.

With a list of things still to do,
I do not want to move.
I would prefer to just curl up.
Tiredness stole my groove.
The list of things still to do,
Is calling out my name.
This part of life is serious.
This part is no game.

The pit.

It does not mean what you think it means.
It just means I’m tired.
I’m running out on energy,
I know because I’m wired.
I’m wired til the braking point.
I’m wired until I hit,
The wall that life has built,
To stop me falling down this pit.
It does not mean what you think it means,
So stop holding it against me.
I am too tired to fight your judgments,
When I am trying to treat you gently.

My flaws.

My mind is spinning,
With all
The things to do.
I have the best of intentions,
But I am just shot through.
My mind will not stop spinning,
There is no time to pause,
And this is the time, inevitably,
I can’t help but see my flaws.

No laurels.

The rolling of the eyes,
Was something I did not need.  
You can not question my efforts,
As if I do not bleed.
Each day I keep on pushing,
There are no laurels on which to rest.
Do not dare imply for one moment,
That I am not trying my best.

In rhythm.

When there’s no time to pause for breath,
That’s when I hit a wall.
I lose my patience with the expectation,
That I will do it all.
I do my very best.
I am always trying,
But I cannot do everything,
That would just be lying.
My mind’s the first to suffer,
And then there goes my heart.
They work better in rhythm,
And not when ripped apart.

Private race.

There is always a drive,
Positive or negative.  
This is how I operate,
This is how I find I live.
There is always a purpose,
Short or longer term.
Something I need to strive for,
Something I must earn.
I never just exist.
I am always in a space,
Striving for a goal,
In my own private race.

However erratically.

Running, always running,
To keep afloat, not a step ahead.
Catching needed breaths,
To feed a heart that’s not yet dead.
Heart that keeps on beating,
However erratically or fast.
I need to it o believe in me.
I need it to help me last.



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As an illusion.

I couldn’t tell you where I am today.
I’ve been riding a confusing wave.
My view of things has been shifting.
I just know I’ll need to be brave.
That’s all I keep remembering,
Amidst the change and confusion.
Hold steadfast to the priorities,
And live life as an illusion.





Poetry compilation e-books are now available to purchase here 

I also.

I will hold the guilt,
Tightly in my heart.
I will feel it whilst together,
And also when apart.
I am trying so very hard here,
Like I tried to explain.
Sometimes I get it wrong,
And that will cause me pain.
Tonight I got it wrong.
I need to take tonight and learn.
My self respect is something,
I also need to earn.

Incisions.

I keep seeing signs,
That I keep brushing aside.
They are pushed to where my feelings,
Are sent to wait, to hide.
I keep nodding at the messages,
Acknowledging they’re there,
But choosing not to process them,
For I can not yet bare,
To form any opinions,
Or make any decisions.
I know that somewhere along the line,
My heart will feel incisions.

Justification and lies.

We all have our spots.
We all have our points.
We all have our triggers,
On life-tender joints.
Don’t rail at mine.
Do not roll your eyes,
When you try and hide yours,
Behind justification and lies.

Something of another.

I had been focused,
On the here and now,
Of how I’m suddenly feeling,
But the thought it could be something,
Has now left me reeling.
I had thought of it as temporary.
I assumed that it would go.
The thought it could be something else,
Is something of another blow.