In riot.

My mind wants to focus,
On the beauty in each word.
I know there’ll be judgement.
To you, it is absurd.
Your beauty is in other things,
I see that, with respect.
You cannot return the favour,
And so you interject.
With your interjection,
There will be my quiet.
I will walk away,
But my mind will be in riot.

I am trying.

I am trying to breathe,
Breathe on through.
I am trying to hold a line
I am trying to focus,
On the here and now.
And stand firm for what is mine.
I am always, always, trying.
I am ever on the go.
I am ever running,
From what I never wished to know.

Every tell.

We all have our triggers,
Our dark, tender, spots.
As our eyes turn away,
Our minds connect dots.
I have mine.
You have yours.
Some open wounds,
Some close doors.
We cannot ignore them,
Though we might hope.
We must learn to manage.
We must find ways to cope.
I still have my triggers,
But I have mechanisms as well.
You have your triggers,
I see every tell.

Your goal.

It does not mean to me,
Exactly what you intended.
Our experiences are different,
And some things cannot be mended.
It means something to me,
It catches at my soul,
But the outcome is, I think,
One different to your goal.

Entitled.

There something in sharing a feeling,
And a feeling you’re not alone.
Yet knowing you wish better for them,
And it cuts you deep to the bone.
There is something in the peace of distinction,
Being glad that others can’t see.
There is something in knowing,
That regardless, you are entitled to be.

By battle.

Beautiful words are not here today,
My mind is heavy, thick.
I would get lost down a rabbit hole.
Tear walls down, brick by brick.
Today is a day to call to a close.
Today is a day to pass by.
Today is a day to remember,
Some days drag out and some fly.
I do my best, as always.
I do not always get it right,
But I keep on moving, regardless.
This is a war, by battle, by fight.

Finely interwoven.

We say there’s beauty in the simple things,
But is simple what we mean?
Nature is so complex,
However peaceful a scene.
Life is built from intricacies,
From detail, pattern and fight.
It’s all finely interwoven,
And dependent on the light.
Beauty is in the elements,
And in what they then seed.
Intention behind our actions,
Carried through in to our deed.

I call that.

To spend more time with heart aligned,
To the requirements of the day,
Makes time pass in beauty.
I long for that to be the way,
That life could be ongoing.
Autonomy of heart.
It was but a mere few hours,
But I call that a start.

Resolve.

Hope is so delicate, easily damaged.
Held too tightly, it crumbles.
Following lightning, thunder.
The storm behind, it rumbles.
Hope is a gift, a treasure,
Guard it, hold it tight.
Life will test your resolve.
Don’t give it up without a fight.

Run rife.

Does anyone have a day of peace?
I’m curious to know.
Does anyone sail without the waves?
Are we all drowning, but refuse to show?
Is there a way to avoid debris,
When trying to live a life.
The hurdles and the troubles,
They abound, they run rife.

Missing method.

I shouldn’t think.
I should just watch the rain.
My mind,
Will come back here again.
Yet so will my body.
Both are looped on repeat.
I long for the click.  
Can’t accept defeat.
I need that break.
I need that switch.
I am always looking.
The incessant itch.
I have my reason.
The focus is clear.
It’s the method that’s missing.
Without it, there’s fear.

Your space.

The rush, the push. Onward, forward.
Keep going, keep it moving.
Catch your breath, start again.
This is not about proving.
This is about momentum.
This is hoping for some grace.
When that grace’s forthcoming.
Then you’ll have your space.

A visitor.

It’s amazing what you can stand,
With one foot in front of the other.
When you look up one day, and realise,
A truth you hoped not to discover.
The tenacity of the human spirit,
So firm ‘til it’s depleted.
So firm, like my views,
‘Til the day that I was greeted,
With dawn in a different life.
I took a journey I do not remember.
I’ve been passenger, not a driver.
I’m a visitor, not a member.

Almost here.

There is no peace,
No moment of grace,
Just stumbling,
In this painful race.
From one fear to another,
From one challenge to its brother.
I sit here,
Awaiting my next fear.
It’s on the edge,
Almost here.

This painful season.

I’m waiting for you,
Like I always do,
With a lump in my stomach and throat.
I am wishing you well,
I can not face more hell,
No more than already’s been brought.
I am waiting for you,
And only you,
Can fill a hole in my heart.
I am here now for one simple reason.
I am standing in place,
With a lie on my face,
Waiting out this painful season.

Stay mine.

I’m nervous as to what I’ll find.
My thoughts are with your health.
Your health and happiness drive me,
It’s just for them I worry about wealth.
It’s not for me, I don’t need,
Naughty but to know you’re fine.
I would give up most anything,
But that you stay mine.

Silent frown.

Today is a day to be quietly down.
Feel it inside but wear a silent frown.
A day when you know,
It will keep on being grey.
There isn’t a magic potion,
To clear through the way.
This is what it is.
So much not deserved,
But here none the less,
In a life now reserved.

Pressing pause.

When you know it’s coming,
But you had to try.
When you’re worried hope,
Is about to die.
When you feeling like trying,
Is all you do,
But all that sticks,
Is the glue.
That’s today.
That’s where you’ll find my heart.
So I’m pressing on pause,
‘Til I know where to re-start.

Countdown.

How are you,
When you are waiting?
Is it the countdown,
That you’re hating?
Rather get it over,
Even if no field of clover?
I must keep myself busy,
If it’s to rake it’s time.
If I know it’s coming,
Somewhere down the line.
I used to want it over,
I used to want it done,
But it’s different now.  So different.
I don’t know exactly what’s to come.

Honouring people.

Honouring people is a part of me,
That I let people shame away.
It’s who I am, how I was raised.
It’s not a game I play.
It didn’t feel like home today,
But it felt like reconnecting.
I can find my own way through,
Without a need for it dissecting.
I am grateful for the lives they gave.
I think none of this was fair.
I do not believe in war,
But the two do not compare.

Mentally repeat.

Breathe deep and start the countdown,
I mentally repeat.
One step before the other,
Until this day’s complete.
One task, then the next,
Each chore at a time.
At some point in the future,
I’ll have some time that’s mine.

To burn.

I will now fear the what may be,
The what may be due to come.
I have seen how it can all collapse,
Due to someone’s distant drum.
I will second guess decisions,
I will wish I hadn’t acted.
I will wish I had done more,
Or had differently reacted.
I have learned a lesson,
That I did not wish to learn.
People will act in their interest,
And will leave your life to burn.

Eye contact.

Avoiding eye contact is an act,
That says more than words could ever.
Do not fret, I can read,
And will not ask you to endeavour,
To offer up a friendly smile,
A look of care, support.
I have learnt so many things,
That life has sadly taught.

I will not cross barriers erected.
I can read a sign.
All I ask is that you do not try to claim,
Any power over me and mine.

Give me pause.

Be still my heart and leave my stomach.
Do your steady job.
Do not beat upon my chest,
Like an angry mob.
Give me pause, give me breath,
Give me a steady mind.
Give me strength to stand firm,
For who knows what I will find.

Delayed chain reaction.

Keep juggling, keep spinning.
Keep hoping for the best.
Push those nerves and fears down.
Let them take a rest.
Focus on priorities,
But keep plugging away at hope.
Keep your eye on the horizon,
But not afraid to change the scope.
This is how my days go.
Action after action.
My nights are for the thoughts.
The delayed chain reaction.

Barrage.

Those times you want to step off the train?
Those times, for me, are here again.
Life becomes heavy,
When there’s too much to carry,
And it’s as if its chosen me to harry.
There’s no mental space,
No time of pause,
Before another barrage,
At each of my doors.
There’s no peace in the night,
No peace in the day.
But you just keep on moving.
There’s no other way.

To race.

It’s felt like life is one step ahead of me,
Especially these last few days.
It’s starting to leave me behind,
In just the smallest of ways.
I feel I’m continually missing a beat,
Just slightly out of synch.
It’s not all doom and gloom.
I’m not teetering on the brink,
But I hate being misaligned.
It brings a greyness to my days,
And with the clouds already heavy,
It can leave a foggy haze.
I need a day to right myself,
To stop my boat from rocking,
They never seem to reach that goal,
These days I keep on clocking.
I’m not aiming for perfection,
Just a little bit more grace.
I want things to move slowly,
I do not want to race.

The cloud.

The side eye I see says everything.
She speaks without a sound.
She tolerates, she pacifies.
She considers herself bound.
The grey he brings, the cloud,
She had learned to part ignore,
Brushing it from her shoulders,
But still feeling the cold in her core.
She takes her warmth from elsewhere,
Or self stokes her inner fire.
She isn’t sure if she’s bearing a load,
Or making herself a liar.

One and all.

My eyes want to rest,
Because my mind will not.
Riding this rollercoaster,
Through a life that grace forgot.
Those moments,  mere moments, of hope,
Are now blown in to the breeze.
My heart now curls at so much,
That it once took with ease.
There was so much more to cushion,
The blows that inevitably fall,
Now there is no padding,
I feel them one and all.

Climbing.

Some days swing a subtle shift.
This was one of those.
I’m not sure if it’s falling at a different angle,
Or if, today, I rose.
No great journey north,
No great power surge,
But something feels a little different.
Laughter coming as an urge,
In the place,
Where there would have been fear,
Concern and regret.
It’s just something to note, reflect on,
Because I haven’t climbed out yet.