Her hands.

I want to fight her battles.
I’m trying hard not to intervene.
I’m trying to reason what I hear,
And accept there will be things I haven’t seen.
I want her to think of others,
But not to give in to all demands,
The hardest thing about this,
Is that her life in her hands.

Oh my word.

I miss the world I thought I lived in.  I new it wasn’t pure.  I thought it mainly good intentioned.  Of a trajectory, I was sure.  I miss the world I thought I lived in.  I am so scared now of the truth.  I had such hopes for progress.  I miss the innocence of my youth.  I believed that good would prosper, Even if it had to fight.  I have always sworn off politics, But, oh my word, this is not right.  

Embedded.

The fear is never far away.  
Behind it waits regret.
A worry, once embedded,
Is something you can’t forget.
Perhaps just for a moment,
Maybe even three,
But once the fear’s embedded,
You are no longer truly free.

Another go.

You tried to be brave.  I’m proud of that.
Even if you dropped at this last gate.
There’s time for us to get this right.
To stand up for yourself and against hate.
You tried to be brave.  I’m proud of that.
I had to tell you so.
You will remember how proud I was,
And you will give it another go.

In her head.

You deserved the criticism,
But then she felt the guilt.
She is partly to blame.
This is what she’s built.
It’s just hard always pushing,
And not getting help or thanks,
Whilst your every want and need,
Drive through her life like tanks.
She is too accommodating,
It is often said,
But you do not hear the thoughts,
That are swirling in her head.

Ship.

I know what I want to say,
But it’s not flowing right.
It’s about always trying so hard,
But not doing my best tonight.
Aiming to be the best I can,
And improve further every day.
Wanting to always be a light,
That’s me, that’s my way.
So, some days, when I get it wrong,
Although my intentions were good,
Hurts my heart.  I feel I let you down.
Guilty feelings flow to flood.
Half my mind tells me I handled it.
Half my mind tells me I failed.
All I can do is pause and learn.
Tonight’s ship has now sailed.

Grey haze.

Here I sit,
In the twists and turns of life,
The moments of joy,
Then the twisted knife.
Priority setting,
An individual thing.
Much like what,
Makes your worn heart sing.
I have mine,
They make sense to me.
If I could fully embrace them,
I think I’d feel free,
But is that a lie I tell myself?
Am I picking dream images,
Off a shelf?
Would there just be other items,
To darken my days?
To cover the gold,
In a thick grey haze.

Grow tough.

There was a moment where I felt the joy,
And it was rather telling.
A giddyness, like a child,
A happiness was swelling.
I knew it wouldn’t happen,
But the thought was joy enough.
It was good to know I can still smile,
And at least it’s making me grow tough.

Linger.

I cannot find the words this eve.
At least not ones that feel quite right.
My mind is feeling foggy,
There is no piercing light.
I know the general feeling,
But am not ready to place the word,
Which coming from me,
Seems a little absurd.
That’s usually how I find myself.
Words spill, they overflow.
Tonight they want to linger.
I’m not quite ready to let them go.

Glove.

I lean into waves of gratitude.
My eyes drop to close and I smile.
I am so appreciative in this moment,
I know I will be here a while.
I am soaking up every moment.
I am logging every detail in mind.
I know that it won’t last forever,
And that life can oft’ be unkind,
But now I am here in this moment,
Present and grateful, with love.
I intend to be here ‘til I fall asleep.
Let love and sleep be my glove.

Tin.

Today has chosen it’s role, as reminder,
That happiness is transient.
It’s the brief respite from the trials of life,
Glorious moments we are but lent.
Happiness is a dying star, exploding in our sky.
We will at some point lose it’s glory,
And repercussions will often fly.
I want to be present in the moment,
Honour it, soak it in,
But it’s gone before I know it.
The shining silver is now tin.

Work through.

I don’t know what I was expecting,
But I must have expected more,
Because I was disappointed.
Hungry to the core.
I wanted every detail.
I wanted more than I already knew.
I waited, and I prompted,
But there was no reaction to my cue.
Yet, would I have been hurt,
To be told something I did not know?
I pride myself on understanding,
Of being the place to go.
I don’t understand my disappointment,
When the news was generally good,
I don’t know what I was expecting,
But feelings followed in a flood.
I’m sure I will work through them,
But it will not be today.
I’ll need to look at them in hindsight.
That is just my way.

Asked to learn.

Would I be this me,
If not for you.
How would I react?
What would I do?
Would I be this me,
If not for this?
Moving along in ignorant bliss.
If life is the lessons,
That I’ve been asked to learn,
They are taking my straw man,
And watching her burn.

Gritted teeth.

It’s not that I don’t feel safe,
It’s that I do not feel at ease.
I do not trust their motive or their judgement,
It’s just how I perceive,
The way they act,
The things they say,
Oft’ the way it’s said.
What would possess someone to be like that?
What goes on inside their head?
Oh, to pull up the drawbridge,
To put them in a past.
Instead, I push on through gritted teeth.
The sky before me, my hope, is vast.

Weeds.

I would like some time,
Some time to breathe.
I’m not in a place,
To take off and leave,
So give my my moments,
Give me my pause.
I have that right, surely?
I have just cause.
I would like some time,
Some time to inhale,
And hold it a moment,
Before I need to exhale.
I would like some time,
Where I don’t have to think.
I would like space to freewheel,
To be buoyed, to not sink.
Don’t take me for granted.  
Don’t brush over my needs.
I’ll push back at my limits.
I won’t be lost in the weeds.

Foggy days.

I can imagine the wind,
Atop the hill,
Withdrawing my energy,
Making me still.
Still in body,
And almost in mind.
Stripping me back,
Removing the bind.
Too much effort to get there,
My weary head says,
And so I continue,
With these foggy days.

This bliss.

I sit here,
And literally wait for you.
You are to my day,
The thread, the glue.
Your needs are woven,
Through my time.
Only the gaps between,
Are nearest mine.
Even then,
I work for you.
My dear,
You’re in nearly all I do.
Five minutes here,
I grasp for me.
And in them,
My mind might run off free.
Other days,
Just like this.
You are still present,
In this bliss.

Blame.

Both our moods did change.
Was the cause the same?
Do we feel it in the air?
Is it too much a strain?
Does it knock us both off kilter?
Do we feel it just the same,
Or are you sensing mine?
Am I just as much to blame?

Reason.

When you wake from sleep,
And try to recollect your day.
A mind trying to piece together,
What made you wake this way.
Did your head lay down in this same mood?
Is it concern generated by dream?
Were things really as concerning,
As they now appear to seem.
Has the unconscious mind added,
Things that were not there,
Or have the days little worries,
Worn your soul a little bare?
A deep breath sorely needed.
All will come out in it’s time.
Let the foggy mind rest.
There may be no reason to this rhyme.

Keep us free.

I am a melancholy me today,
So many thoughts inside.
Nothing that I want to share,
And everything to hide.
I have not processed all the feelings,
Have not worked through all the fears,
Have not worked through all the things,
That have built up through the years.
I am cognisant of sacrifice,
And grateful for those who act,
Those who protect and serve,
But suffer after the fact.
I’ve spent time in my own pain today,
I am trying to find me,
But my respect lies with the many,
Who work, and worked, to keep us free.

Cascade.

I understand some’s inheritance,
And some of it innate,
But you should care enough to grow,
Not continue spreading hate.
It’s on you that you choose not to learn,
Or care how others feel.
Just because it doesn’t bother you,
Doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
You’re passing on the hurt you felt,
And then you mock their pain.
Why would you want to cascade that,
To have them feel the same?

My core.

I am grateful for the little things,
But it doesn’t stop me wanting more.
My wants are for our safety.
Those feelings in my core.
Long gone are the days of wanting,
The prestigious, the something better.
As I look at the reminders of the glamorous past,
I am happy to forget her.
I have no real urge for competition,
To compare myself, or what I own.
I am proud of things I’ve made,
Of repairs that I have sewn.
My joy is in the little things,
But I will always ask for more.
My needs are her joy and our safety.
Those feelings are my core.

Regretting the distance.

I haven’t yet processed,
The news from today.
I’m trying to write,
But don’t know what to say.
I’m struggling with memories,
And regretting the distance,
Caused by daily life,
As I got on with existence.
I know I will honour you,
In some small way,
But I’ll regret that this,
Is what I had to say.

At length.

Little things can knock you,
Can unsteady the even keel.
Then you’re served a blow to remind you,
Those things are barely real.
I need to up my patience,
And I need to up my strength,
Because true pain will come a calling,
To break my heart, at length.

Energy.

I could not find sleep last night,
Which is the strangest thing for me.
Exhaustion and a need for bed,
That’s who I’ve been, that’s been me.
I was brimming with nervous energy,
That I could not explain.  I could not place,
The need to do something.
I felt unsure in my base.
It stayed with me today,
Traces are with me now.
I feel I do not fully know this person,
But I’ll respect her.  It’s my vow.

Drifting.

Whether it is seasonal,
Or a turning point that’s key,
Something I feel is changing.
That something appears to be me.
Nothing grand or startling,
Just a subtle shifting.
I have not stopped and changed direction,
But I sense something in the drifting.
There is a certain hope,
But there’s also shards of fear.
I am trying not to judge,
Until my heart is clear.

Burnt heart.

You burnt my heart a little, today.
I can still feel the charring.
I was not expecting your reaction,
It shocked me, and was jarring.
I held on to a tinge of bitterness.
I carried it through the day.
I knew you caught me deeply,
Because that’s not normally my way.
I hope to wake up with it faded,
That it will dissipate over time.
I want to look at you with a pure heart.
For you are the epitome of mine.

An art.

To me there seems a clunkiness,
Like cogs that don’t quite fit.
Do others sense it too,
Or is it just from where I sit?
Am I the only one on edge?
Is the awkward just in me?
Do they see a calm, clear, ocean,
Where I view a choppy sea?
I see only through my eyes,
Feel only through my heart.
I am guessing others experience,
Because honesty is an art.

Present myself.

Taking a piece of peace and calm,
Tearing it down the side.
I want to pull it away from you.
I want to build a wall, and hide.
The ripples from your tossed stone,
Have upset the tranquility of my lake.
I will present myself with a smile,
But you’re the reason why it’s fake.

Relax and glow.

Did today show how I have changed,
Or just who I’ve always been?
Have my preferences truly altered,
Or am I just now being seen?
Did I previously just push to overcome,
And be who I thought I should be?
Whereas now I know myself better,
And where I’ll find a happier me?
I do sense some shades of change,
In the level of care which I show.
I am happier when I can truly breathe.
That’s when I relax, when I glow.

Revel and marvel

Today was a day I remember,
But somehow greater for it.
There were points I did start to wonder,
And there was little time to just sit,
But the core was the core of my life,
For so long, and yet so quickly passed.
So I reveled in the joy and lack of structure,
And marvelled at the fact things do not last.