Purely ours.

Today, a flashback to a calmer time.
To a time less hectic,
Where the control was more mine.
Existing to a rhythm that is purely ours.
Going with the moment,
Whether for minutes or for hours.
Too many laying ahead of us,
Would make this too routine,
But the new normal will soon call us,
And Its good to be a team.

To waste.

Lulled in to a false sense,
Where I start to relax and smile.
There's an extra bonus,
From the fact that it has been a while.
I soften, I am hopeful,
Then of course it turns,
And my heart's in need of water,
To temper the sudden burns.
You simultaneously release fear,
As you throw in disgust, distaste,
And all the smiles you summoned up,
Are now black and gone to waste.

Ire.

I am angry, disappointed,
But I think in me, rather than you.
When the ire has subsided,
I know that I'll be blue.
I'm supposed to be your base,
You constant, the place you run.
I'm supposed to be the one,
That you choose to cling on.
I don't know what flicked the switch,
Don't know what pulled your trigger,
But tomorrow's another day,
And with each one, we'll both get bigger.

Remodelled.

I wonder what it's like for others.
I wonder what is norm.
I try to picture who I was,
Before battered by the storm.
Do I give it too much credit?
Did I always stand apart?
Was it just easier to cover,
Before they broke my heart.
Will the metal inside me harden,
Remodelled, perhaps stronger?
Today tells me that whilst possible,
It's going to take a little longer.  

Main focus.

A day to sit, do nothing.
Whilst you recuperate.
The pause is much appreciated,
But you being ill, I hate.
You are always my main focus,
But particularly so today.
I want to keep you close and safe,
That things be done our way.
It is about control for me,
Knowing others can let you down,
So I become someone I wasn't,
And expect from others, frown.
A day to sit, do nothing.
Whilst you recuperate.
The pause is much appreciated,
But you being ill, I hate.

Be kind.

My mind is in a fluid place.
Much has passed down its river,
Since yesterday's reaction,
Making my heart shiver.
I feel things have slightly shifted,
Within my body and my mind,
But I cannot name it, recognise it,
May life ongoing be kind.

All I got.

You.
The highlight in the day.
The way you smile,
And the funny things you say.
You,
Can drive me to distraction.
Your questioning, your cheek,
Definitely your inaction.
You,
Are my home,
My tender spot,
Because it all for you,
You're getting all I got.

Hum drum haze.

A task that should be easy,
Was harder than I thought.
My mindset is now showing,
The stream in which I'm caught.
There are the general things I'm grateful for,
But when it's down to the point,
I'm struggling to list three things,
And myself I disappoint.
I could tell myself that it's just one,
Of those hum drum days,
But in truth, the truth,
Life has become a daily hum drum haze.

Retreat

Home is my haven,
The place I retreat.
The place I relax,
From the edge of my seat.
I don't know if this,
Has always been my way.
I just know,
I now feel it strongly each day.
There are days I could happily,
Stay locked behind door.
To recuperate from days,
Where I chose to explore.
It's the place that I settle,
Safe to sleep.
It's the place where I hide,
To softly weep.
It's the place I control,
What is thrown at my brain.
To regenerate, rejuvenate,
Before I'm out there again.

Wearing fleece.

The questions are not difficult.
It's the answers that are hard.
Walking a step in my own shoes,
A foot, and then a yard.
Honesty is painful.
Telling others how you feel.
It isn't imagination,
This life is mine.  It's real.
I built it, or watched it,
As someone else built.
I let them dig in,
The knife to the hilt.
I didn't speak up,
I just wanted peace,
But it doesn't come,
From wolves wearing fleece.

Every hour.

Outside, I may display some patience,
But inside, I have none.
I still carry the heavy fear,
That their presence can bring on.
I lost them as my people,
When it damaged me too much,
When I needed new behaviours,
To provide an emotional crutch.
My resilience is regrowing,
I am regaining some old power,
But I still feel every moment,
Every minute, every hour.

Explanation and consequence.

I do not like who you were tonight.
It is hard for my to say,
But though my love is unconditional,
I will not tolerate you that way.
I will not let you take to anger.
You will understand it's wrong.
Violence is not acceptable.
The moment cannot go on,
Unchallenged, without correction,
Without explanation and consequence.
You are allowed to feel emotion,
Frustration, get lost in a fog that's dense,
But anger at others, topped with violence,
Will never be OK.
It's my job to be disappointed,
And to hold you close, as I so say.

In their thoughts.

When you prioritise something new,
In a day already full,
Something has to give,
And it is usually you.
The moment may be worth it,
For you,
But it may not always,
Have the impact you intended.
There are always repercussions,
And sometimes,
People want more,
Than you were able to give today,
And are willing to give tomorrow.
However hard it was for you,
To be able to give them anything at all,
Is not always in their thoughts.

Pure magic.

There was a moment,
In the early hours,
When your head lay on my chest,
You squeezed me to be sure,
Then you smiled so blissfully,
Without even opening your eyes,
That I felt the pure magic of a moment.
I knew you were not so ill,
That you would not soon recover.
You were not so sad,
That the warmth and safety of my presence,
Could not brighten your mood,
To glow.
I was tired,
So very tired,
But glowing myself.
You blessed me.
You are my blessing.  

Beautiful destination.

I'm not sure what I expected,
But I don't think it was this.
I don't think I was this,
And yet it all seems so predictable.
Meant to be.
I took a left,
Not knowing where it would go.
Took a right,
With no goal in sight,
But ended up here.
Right here.
So much better,
Than the recent past,
But not sitting square.
Is it wrong,
To hope, it's just a layover,
In the midst of a journey,
To a beautiful destination.

Vying.

My patience was the kind of thin,
I do not like,
Tonight.
I wanted to be better,
But I could not make it,
Right.

I know you,
And your mood,
Was trying,
But also know,
for attention,
You were vying.

So I want to better,
Tomorrow,
Tonight.
I want you to know,
I want to make it,
Right.

A voice.

I felt just a tiny bit,
Of the old me today.
Which is strange, to think they were all new,
But perhaps that is the way.
It felt good to make an effort.
It felt good to be your choice,
I could feel her gently rising,
The one who has a voice.

Wealth.

I will stand beside your parents,
It's my honour to do so.
I wish for you the very best,
Will strive to be there as you grow.

I wish for you love and friendship,
For happiness and health,
Courage, strength, the smarts, compassion,
And every kind of wealth.

Behind glass.

Your first snub.
Or should I own it?
It's hard to tell so young.
Is the very thing,
That would make me turn it down,
Be the thing that makes them run.
I wouldn't have accepted,
I'd have had to tell you why.
You'd have begged, thrown a paddy,
And how, oh how, you'd cry.
So the lack of an invite,
Is really a immediate sweet gift,
But it stung to think you'll lose out,
In the long run, so I'm miffed.

Trigger

One little action,
That someone undertakes,
Can set my stomach churning,
Even start the shakes.
I'm quick to fear the outcome,
And slow to lose the thought.
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop,
Though it's not one I bought.
I know I have to let her,
Out in to the world.
I'm just fearful of the things that harm,
My universe, my girl.  

Stress free.

The day did not go quite as planned,
But it felt like something held my hand.
It took me to a place I needed to be,
To provide an outlet, and set a little stress free.

Hunker down.

And so the treadmill has restarted,
Though not as stressful as I thought.
Life is hard in general,
In to a life of servitude I bought.
There will always be the triggers,
And I cannot truly run away,
So I'll hunker down, dig in my heels,
And wait for the end of the day.

Dress.

I need these days.
To refill my soul.
To hide away,
Behind the wall.
I need these days,
Just you and me.
Not every day,
Just enough to be,
Relaxed, revived,
Without the stress,
Of other people,
And having to dress.

Responsible.

My pride rode a rollercoaster today.
Thoughts are less challenging,
In a house with no mirrors.  

I am who I am.
Have got here,
Through my own actions,
And if I don't like it,
Then I am responsible,
For the change.  

Blame.

Who to blame?
Don't blame the day.
It doesn't really,
Have a say.
Neither do I,
I mutter down low,
But not completely true,
I could choose to say no.
I just know what 'no' would mean,
And I haven't got the will,
To have another discussion,
Where I end up sounding shrill.
So, who to blame?
Don't blame the day.
Blame myself.
The only way.

Telling stories.

I am drawn to the past,
To the stories they tell.
I sit and pause,
In their lives a spell.
Wonder their feelings,
Wonder their heart,
Though we're so many,
A year apart.
Feeling a piece,
Of a bigger view.
It isn't just me.
It isn't just you.
My role is as simple,
As being a link.
So on hard days,
I can sit and take a drink,
Of life, my life,
And what it means.
Without feeling like,
I lost my dreams.

Down deep.

There's a fear that bubbles, just underneath.
It's the ground thinly covered with autumn leaf.
It doesn't take much, to knock your stance,
And your nerves begin to tingle, dance.
Tiredness, stress, too much to consider,
Can turn confident mood into a dither.
A moment of peace, a period of sleep,
Revive for a time, but it's still down deep.

Doing good.

When it's too much,
Too hard, and you want to leave.
Sit down, take a moment,
And slowly breathe.
Breathe even slower.  
Close your eyes.
Take another breath.
Visualise,
That day in the sun,
That walk in the wood.
You've got this mama...
You're doing good.

Dig in.

On the hard days,
When they come,
Help, dig in.

On the hard days,
When they make it easier,
Less isolating.  

On the hard days,
That they know are hard days,
But choose not to say.

On those days,
I know what love is.

Solo

I shiver and I drop my head,
In another life, I'd be in bed.
I pick up foot and place it down,
If I stop for too long, I begin to drown,
In the sadness and the exhausting truth,
That life is not mine, as it was in youth.
My role now is to push forward, be strong.
Now matter how tired, you've got to move on.
One solo moment to let the tear fall,
Then paint on the smile as loudly they call.

Like glass.

I think quite a lot,
Of how it would be.
Just briefly,
But frequently, you see.
When a moment is stressful,
Or kicks at my heart,
I wonder,
What it would be like to restart.
I wonder,
About how things would pass.
What it would look like,
If this life were to shatter like glass.