Leaking hole

Waiting on someone else,
And their eventual reaction,
Is a stressor that I do not need.
I become fearful of my action.
I am cognisant that it could well be,
That this is playing out both ways,
And so it's a reminder to feel guilty,
As I push on through my days. 
It is not a healthy combo.
It's draining on my soul.
So I keep on searching for other things,
To plug my leaking hole.

Not even.

Neither of us was right there.
I know it in hindsight.
You were wrong in your action,
My reaction far too tight.
I worry that I'm not even in this,
That it'll affect you in the end,
That my own biases will mould you,
So I'll keep working so we'll mend.

Stay me.

Some days I need to disappear,
Back inside my self.
I need time to recuperate,
To focus on my health.
Time to just sustain myself,
To drift within the sea.
It's not something I'm proud of,
But I need it to stay me.

Her judgement

Her judgement hit me,
Hit me hard. 
The noise she uttered,
A verbal red card.
I hate judgement,
It always gets through.
I want to be perfect,
I know that to be true. 
My mind started whirring,
With justifications,
Explanations,
And self placations.
The deeper truth,
Is she was probably right.
It's something I'll dwell on,
Long into the night.

The lesson.

The step after gratitude,
Is usually tired.
We start to de-tangle,
After getting so wired.
We remember the grateful,
So clear in our mind,
But have so much less patience,
We're not always as kind.
We relaxed on your behaviour.
Had bigger fish to fry.
Now it's here to haunt us,
A poke in the eye.
We see it, we call it,
And you're not impressed.
The lesson that I'm more generous,
When I'm not being stressed.

Cry like a queen.

Be true to the grey clouds,
They are what they are,
But let in the sunlight,
Be charmed by the star.
Savour the moment,
They're few, for between.
Take a deep breath,
And cry like a queen.

Next full day.

A jumbled mess,
No concentration.
My kind cannot,
There is no elation.
I will not trust,
That you'rr OK,
'Til er love made it,
To the next full day.

Rut.

I bounce a little,
I begin to glow.
I'm desperate for it,
Not to go.
To have a chance,
To feel real joy.
To have a chance,
To relax, enjoy.
To laugh wth friends,
To really grin,
To take me out,
From this rut I'm in.

Fake.

The mood is lifting,
And I'm grateful for it.
Still I know it will waver,
It will take a new hit.
I know what will cause it,
I know myself well.
I know my heaven,
And I know my hell.
I just have to balance,
What I can take.
The rest of it,
I'll just have to fake.

Living small.

A darkening cloud,
A bubbling fear,
And yet gratitude,
That you are here.
That we are people,
Away from it all.
The benefit of,
Living small.

Exactly who we are.

Your friendship makes me happy.
You friendship makes me glow.
Your friendship is a remedy,
When I am feeling low.
I leave our meetings smiling,
Singing in the car.
I love that when together,
We are exactly who we are.

Emotional No Mans Land.

An emotional no mans land.
Sitting here alone.
Its a choice that I have made,
like turning off the 'phone.
There's too much noise, too much static,
I need a moments calm.
I'm not sure that it's helping,
But its not doing any harm. 

A different view.

Today seems a day where the heart can't relax,
I am waiting for some warrior axe,
Slicing through everything I know. 
I cannot feel my usual flow.
There has not been the usual joy,
And this is not just me, being my usual coy.
There has been a build up of cold and black,
and it feels like you cannot take them back.
I just have to wait until the seep away,
and so it feels like such a waste of a day.
Even though the sun now comes to being some light,
I feel that I should say goodnight. 
Start the next day, tomorrow, anew. 
When maybe I'll have a different view. 

My place now.

The kind of questions that you posed,
Are the kind that offer reflection.
The kind that lifts a mirror,
Not the kind of introspection.
It's a sad and sorry image,
That, in truth, I knew was mine.
I just choose not to be reminded,
For the majority of the time.
I've accepted this is my place now.
It's just a period of time.
I'm expecting to shift a gear, some day,
And I'll have my light again to shine.

All in my head.

I was grateful today.
To whom, I know not.
The universe? God?
Is there an angel in my lot?
Was it just random luck,
That we avoided what was feared?
I feel a need to be grateful.
It's how I was reared.
I glowed for a moment,
By avoiding a dread.
Does it make sense at all,
When it may be all in my head?

Witching hour.

I hold you in my arms. 
I hold you to my chest.
A deep breath in your presence,
Is like an hour long rest. 
You are my rejuvenation,
As well as my draining power. 
So at the end of our long day,
I'll take the witching hour. 

Me, to myself.

My mood had been bright,
I'd felt so free.
To be honest,
I'd felt more like me.
I'd held a lightness,
Through the day,
As if that was,
My standard way.
As night drew on,
As eve drew close,
The mood grew dark,
And I morose.
What have we done?
Me, to myself?
This is not good,
For mind or health.

It may be you.

My mood was strangely lighter today,
And I cannot tell you why.
Was it that your health's improving,
Or the sun gracing the sky?
I seemed to find some peace within,
Some joy and giggles too.
I'd like to think she's coming back,
But I think it may be you...

Energy theft

I cannot bring myself,
To put into words,
What I will do,
Neatly broken into thirds.  
In weeks, in months,
Even in years,
Your advice is falling,
On stubborn ears.
I know I need to be,
Stronger in myself,
Before I take that subject,
Off the shelf.
It feels like there's already,
Too much to going on,
Too add any more responsibility,
In to this throng.
I need to focus on myself,
Before I pick up that old role,
Before I grow back some of the energy,
That I'm realising that you stole.

Outclassed.

I smiled today, in your presence.
I couldn't quite believe.
It was double the pleasure for it,
Though I still counted 'til we'd leave.
I glowed because I survived,
Without further scars.
You words can have a power,
That takes a glow and marrs.
I smiled because I brushed them off,
The words you like to throw.
I have been known to catch them,
And line them in a row,
To study, over-study,
When the time has passed.
I am proud of myself today.
For once you were outclassed.

Our own concern.

I think we know it, but can't say it.
I think we both understand the truth.
If we were ever honest,
It Is long gone, with your youth.
Our happiness is our own concern,
Our joy does not look the same.
I think, if you were honest,
You'd say you're sorry that you came.

What can be heard.

The shrug of your shoulders and dismissive look,
Really says it all.
I could try my very best,
And truly let the barriers fall,
But it would never garner thankfulness,
Would not create a kindly word.
In what you can never say,
It's amazing what can be heard.

Tied together.

Two tired people
Tied together,
In a day that seemed,
To go on forever.
I hadn't the patience,
And your nerves were fried.
You wanted more comfort,
But I was angry you lied.
We made it together,
Through grumps, gripes, and tears
Tomorrow's another day,
As with live through our fears.

Different shoe.

You cry when I bleed,
But it's not for me, its for you.
It's for the fear that you have,
Of what I need to do,
But mainly it's fear,
Of how you'll be affected.
I understand now,
How life's changed to his 'expected'.
My protection now,
Is primarily for you.
My foot, so strong before,
Is now inside a different shoe.

Night of the same.

As fear starts to wane,
Tiredness emerges.
Then sleeplessness and real life,
Collides and merges.
I want to take a moment,
To breathe in ever so deep,
But I must be the foundation.
The routine you need, we keep.
I try and squeeze in moments,
To keep my own wheel turning,
But you're still recouperating,
And it's safety for which you are yearning.
So, I am here, half present,
Existing in a tired plane.
Preparing my weary soul,
For another night of the same.

Moments of fun.

Those days that start with so much fear,
But roll out easier than you expected.
There's joy in being grateful,
That the fear can be rejected.
There's relief in reassurance,
There is peace from rays of sun,
So even though your illness remains,
I can enjoy moments of fun.

Our fence.

My patience leaks with tiredness.
I wish it wouldn't, but it does.
The things I should just rise above,
Drive me to make a fuss.
I'd take them with grace in normal times,
Laugh and walk away at others,
But they drive me to distraction,
When I've lost time under the covers.  
When you need to be to on my game,
Because you're feeling so unwell,
Of course I've had no sleep either,
So it's a double kind of hell.
I apologise for the grumpy tone,
Explain my penitence.
You extend your arms in forgiveness,
And we go on, rebuild our fence.

Trickle.

When they trickle down, one by one,
Sometimes two by two,
You feel your spirit draining,
As you do what you must do.
A deeper breath, hiding words of swear,
Muffled by exhalation.
When is my time, for moments of peace,
Or even joy, perhaps elation.
Still, I'm pushing on,
Heavy feet first, lids beginning to drop.
There can be no light at the end of the tunnel,
If you give in now and stop.

Roost

Tiredness.
It rules my roost.
Where wine and coffee,
Give me the boost,
To meet your demands,
Your requests, your needs.
I see how I relax you,
How my presence still feeds,
Your confidence, your happiness,
And the feeling you're safe.
As much as I question,
I do have your faith.

Cushion.

Being the one who puts in the work,
Makes the moments less of a pleasure.
Even worse when you're pretty sure,
It going to be this way forever.

When there's never a moment,
Without rushing or pushing.
When it feels like,
You're not even there as a cushion.

I'm working for her,
I'm working for you.
I'm sure you think you work for me,
But that doesn't feel true.

Off to bed.

One breath at a time,
And tried with a smile.
One foot before other,
Keep pushing to mile.
One more sleepless night,
One more rushing day,
Dreaming of a past,
Dominated by play.
Dreaming of future,
Relaxed and serene,
Perhaps to forgetting,
Some things I have seen,
Some thins I have heard,
Some things you have said.
Tonight I will breathe,
Then take myself off to bed.