Come true.

Whatever it holds,
Let me hold you.
Whatever it brings,
Keep you safe.
Be happy, be loved,
And love us.
Be ours,
No stray, no waif.
I want for myself,
But not really.
All my wishes,
Are really for you.
Your safety, your happiness,
Your dreams.
May all of them,
Come true.

Fairytale.

The dream is always the same.
The issue doesn’t change.
I live in a half life,
Which is always strange.
A swamp I cannot climb from.
My feet are stuck and tied.
I sold myself the fairytale.
And now I know I lied.

A simple lass.

I feel a piece of me broke today,
Even before the little snap.
I felt a wound opening,
And between us, a gap.
You work so hard to be loved by them,
That you push away from me.
Then I become truly alone,
But without the gift of ‘free’.
I am tangled in the reactions,
That are weaved incessantly.
There is no true peace or harmony.
Just a wait and see.
I am tired of the knife edge.
I am tired of the broken glass.
I long for smooth and steady.
I find I’m just a simple lass.

Slivers.

What I find I wish for,
Would not paint me well.
Peace, and selfish happiness,
For just the briefest spell.
I cannot change my situation,
But don’t want to change my heart.
I will cling on to slivers of joy,
As I work out a way to start.

The weather.

Tired, but better.
This end beating that.
Still not ideal,
But from where I’m sat,
Better, but tired,
And not just from today.
I can’t guess the weather,
Or how long it will stay.

Wafer.

For that space in time,
I thought I’d made the day.
Survived it,
Even if not truly my way.  Then,
Just as the finishing post was in view.
You swiped it from under me,
By just being you.
I’m sure you will say,
I did it first,
That it’s me and my ways,
That make you burst.
I know my mind, I know my reasons.
This is my way of surviving the seasons.
This is my way of surviving the frost
And the firey burn,
Where my singed heart’s the cost.
It is my way of feeling safer,
My resilience is thin now, a cracking wafer.

The bath.

Peace.  Goodwill to all men.
Not something I feel I achieve.
I want them, and to create them,
But I’m struggling to believe.
I am shrouded in fear, bathed in sadness,
Wanting only the best for you.
I made mistakes, remake them daily,
But my heart is beating true.
I don’t know how to repair things,
Don’t know how to alter the path.
So I’ll take deep breath, be strong for you,
And go cry alone in the bath.

Looking inward.

I know I look outward,
When I’m aching inside.
I know I look for warmth,
When there is ice on the tide.
I will smile and be joyous,
For your beautiful heart,
And do my very best to hide,
That I am torn, almost apart.
This is not what I wished for,
Not what I wanted to see,
But I have responsibility,
I am, me.

Even now.

How do you find peace?
How do you fight the flow?
How do you retain calm?
How do you let things go?
I feel like my purpose,
Has always been to care.
How do you put that aside?
We are not a matching pair.
I worry for right reasons.
That at least I know is true.
I worry for her, and yes for myself.
Even now, I worry for you.

Without

Not my day.
I’ll draw it here.
Tomorrow’s another.
Let it live without fear.

Poles apart.

Physically close,
But poles apart.
It’s difficult to know,
Where to start.
Was this always the way,
And only know I see?
Or have we parted,
Like a biblical sea?
Am I bending less,
Overlooking fewer things,
Or have we just bent a like,
With all that life brings?

Personal choice.

When nightmares cross over,
And fears become real.
Now is the time to take pause,
And just feel.
Live in the moment,
Not the fears in your head.
Not so easy done,
But easier said,
And so I keep saying it,
By internal voice.
To survive this day,
Is my personal choice.

Follow suit.

Too busy watching others,
To look hard in the glass.
Don’t consider yourself a step above,
Or of a different class.
It will come to haunt you.
It will come to fruit.
Walk with grace and kindness.
Others will follow suit.

Raw tired.

Some things might be,
But some things aren’t for me.
My mind may be leaning,
Wanting just to see,
But my heart feels it knows itself,
The limits it wants to draw.
I am finding ways to heal myself.
My soul is tired of being raw.

At all.

Red lights on the roof.
White lights on the wall.
I am here,
But not really here at all.
Hold my breath.
Hold your call.
I am here,
But not really here at all.

Turn bitter.

What I want and what I get,
Very rarely coincide.
I try to be the better me,
And take it in my stride.
I will still hold a sliver,
Of that desire, in my heart.
To stay true but not turn bitter.
That’s the tricky part.

Boiling blood.

Inside, my blood is boiling.
I see injustice, imbalance, and greed.
All about the ‘me’.
You suck them ‘til they bleed.
Inside, my blood is boiling.
My jaw is tight, my teeth they grind.
Ignoring the needs of others,
Is the basis of unkind.
I will never understand that,
Although I work to try.  
What kind of a life is lived,
Where you are selfish ‘til you die.

Half life.

‘A life lived in fear’,
Starts a thing some folks say.
Words are fine, throw them out,
But you do not live my day.
Living out a half life.
Is there another way to live?
There’s always something pricking me,
A care I need to give.  
The knot in my stomach,
As I know that you’re not well.
My fear things are getting worse,
An intoxicating spell.
There are moments of reprieve,
Where I notice things are light,
And I smile to the point of glow,
Because some things are just, just, right.
They cannot, do not, last forever,
Something will jar my heart.
The nerves will start a building.
The fear that’s in my heart.

For sake.

Two nights in,
And I have reached irri-tired.
That tired,
Where your patience has expired.
You become irritated.
You want five minutes peace.
You want to switch off,
Just a little release.
Two nights in,
And I just need a break.
So I should try to grab sleep,
For everyone’s sake.

Sit and savour.

My list is top heavy,
And so is my heart.
Nothing is joyful,
When you’re forced to dart,
Backwards and forwards,
With no time to pause.
No moment feels like,
It is truly yours.
I want to be present,
Especially for you.
As my energy shatters,
Coffee is glue.
I sit and I savour.
I give it respect.
A two minute therapy,
I pause and reflect.

Haunted ghost.

All previous thoughts fall heavy,
Clatter to the floor,
When I start to worry for you.
My time is yours once more.
I had longed for time alone.
A moment just to breathe,
But now your breath is struggling,
I can not think to leave.
My job is to be there for you,
When you need it most.
I now hover, refuse to leave.
I am your haunted ghost.

Self respect.

I wasn’t ready to write last night.
I wasn’t clear of mind.
I’d had enough of caring,
Of being the one that’s kind.
I needed just to switch off,
Not think of what it meant.
My head and heart were tired,
My soul a little spent.
Today is another day.
I can now reflect.
I can push in forward.
I e rebuilt some self respect.

Validation.

We need validation of our feelings,
Or that’s how it feels to me.
I want acceptance that I have reason,
To see things how I see.
I want it to be seen as real,
Not just a reaction in my mind.
I want trust and understanding,
That my heart is not unkind.
It is natural to have these feelings.
It is human, it is real.
I need validation that it’s ok,
To be feeling what I feel.

Quietly.

When you take some time,
For you,
And you forget,
What you need to do,
There’s a moment of guilt,
A moment of fear.
I will not embrace it,
Not tonight, my dear.
Tonight for one hour,
I let myself lower,
Into a pool,
Of a life that is slower.
I deserved it, I know it,
Without doubt,
But I’ll embrace it quietly.
It does not do to shout.

The shoots.

How many times can you write the same?
The joy that others bring.
The love that drives you forward.
A song that all could sing.
It took me down a path,
That I did not expect.
It made me consider decisions,
That before I did not regret.
I do not fully recognise myself.
I am a reformed shape.
I am not completely healed.
I feel the wind blow through my gape.
It can be unsettling.
It can shake my dearest roots,
But my arid land is slowly reviving.
I can see the shoots.

Part of you.

I smiled at the thought,
Of time with you today.
I was looking forward,
But when it came to play,
It was hard - was trying.
It pulled at every nerve.
It took all my energy,
Even my reserve.
I know how much you’re worth it.
The exhaustion’s worth it, true.
You are part of me,
As this is part of you.

Pride.

The glowing joy, radiating out.
Your smile, like a blinding ray.
You can turn the darkest moments,
In to the brightest day.
Your glow has its own power,
Burning deep inside.
I am grateful that you blessed me.
You are why I have some pride.

Rail.

I do not like the method,
But know your message must be heard.
It’s what your heart is feeling,
That spurs the coarseness of your word.
I wish you didn’t feel it.
I wish you felt secure.
My love could not be stronger,
Of that you can be sure.
When others leave you nervous,
I will take the flack.
You have me to rail against.
I will always have your back.

Throughout.

All the things I thought I’d do.
Turns out I do just the same.
Only now there is a loneliness.
There is no one to blame.
Turns out it does not feel,
Like a brief respite.
It feels like I’m alone,
And will be throughout the night.

Current mess.

The routine quickly changes,
When it seems you are not you.
Hiding my touch of fear,
I do what I need to do.
I push aside the feels of guilt.
They can come back we’re clear.
I will hold you, I will comfort you.
I will lay right here.
I will listen for your breathing.
I will watch out for distress.
I will be with you ‘til the sky is blue.
I will repair this current mess.

Her hands.

I want to fight her battles.
I’m trying hard not to intervene.
I’m trying to reason what I hear,
And accept there will be things I haven’t seen.
I want her to think of others,
But not to give in to all demands,
The hardest thing about this,
Is that her life in her hands.

Oh my word.

I miss the world I thought I lived in.  I new it wasn’t pure.  I thought it mainly good intentioned.  Of a trajectory, I was sure.  I miss the world I thought I lived in.  I am so scared now of the truth.  I had such hopes for progress.  I miss the innocence of my youth.  I believed that good would prosper, Even if it had to fight.  I have always sworn off politics, But, oh my word, this is not right.  

Embedded.

The fear is never far away.  
Behind it waits regret.
A worry, once embedded,
Is something you can’t forget.
Perhaps just for a moment,
Maybe even three,
But once the fear’s embedded,
You are no longer truly free.

Another go.

You tried to be brave.  I’m proud of that.
Even if you dropped at this last gate.
There’s time for us to get this right.
To stand up for yourself and against hate.
You tried to be brave.  I’m proud of that.
I had to tell you so.
You will remember how proud I was,
And you will give it another go.

In her head.

You deserved the criticism,
But then she felt the guilt.
She is partly to blame.
This is what she’s built.
It’s just hard always pushing,
And not getting help or thanks,
Whilst your every want and need,
Drive through her life like tanks.
She is too accommodating,
It is often said,
But you do not hear the thoughts,
That are swirling in her head.

Ship.

I know what I want to say,
But it’s not flowing right.
It’s about always trying so hard,
But not doing my best tonight.
Aiming to be the best I can,
And improve further every day.
Wanting to always be a light,
That’s me, that’s my way.
So, some days, when I get it wrong,
Although my intentions were good,
Hurts my heart.  I feel I let you down.
Guilty feelings flow to flood.
Half my mind tells me I handled it.
Half my mind tells me I failed.
All I can do is pause and learn.
Tonight’s ship has now sailed.

Grey haze.

Here I sit,
In the twists and turns of life,
The moments of joy,
Then the twisted knife.
Priority setting,
An individual thing.
Much like what,
Makes your worn heart sing.
I have mine,
They make sense to me.
If I could fully embrace them,
I think I’d feel free,
But is that a lie I tell myself?
Am I picking dream images,
Off a shelf?
Would there just be other items,
To darken my days?
To cover the gold,
In a thick grey haze.

Grow tough.

There was a moment where I felt the joy,
And it was rather telling.
A giddyness, like a child,
A happiness was swelling.
I knew it wouldn’t happen,
But the thought was joy enough.
It was good to know I can still smile,
And at least it’s making me grow tough.

Linger.

I cannot find the words this eve.
At least not ones that feel quite right.
My mind is feeling foggy,
There is no piercing light.
I know the general feeling,
But am not ready to place the word,
Which coming from me,
Seems a little absurd.
That’s usually how I find myself.
Words spill, they overflow.
Tonight they want to linger.
I’m not quite ready to let them go.

Glove.

I lean into waves of gratitude.
My eyes drop to close and I smile.
I am so appreciative in this moment,
I know I will be here a while.
I am soaking up every moment.
I am logging every detail in mind.
I know that it won’t last forever,
And that life can oft’ be unkind,
But now I am here in this moment,
Present and grateful, with love.
I intend to be here ‘til I fall asleep.
Let love and sleep be my glove.

Tin.

Today has chosen it’s role, as reminder,
That happiness is transient.
It’s the brief respite from the trials of life,
Glorious moments we are but lent.
Happiness is a dying star, exploding in our sky.
We will at some point lose it’s glory,
And repercussions will often fly.
I want to be present in the moment,
Honour it, soak it in,
But it’s gone before I know it.
The shining silver is now tin.

Work through.

I don’t know what I was expecting,
But I must have expected more,
Because I was disappointed.
Hungry to the core.
I wanted every detail.
I wanted more than I already knew.
I waited, and I prompted,
But there was no reaction to my cue.
Yet, would I have been hurt,
To be told something I did not know?
I pride myself on understanding,
Of being the place to go.
I don’t understand my disappointment,
When the news was generally good,
I don’t know what I was expecting,
But feelings followed in a flood.
I’m sure I will work through them,
But it will not be today.
I’ll need to look at them in hindsight.
That is just my way.

Asked to learn.

Would I be this me,
If not for you.
How would I react?
What would I do?
Would I be this me,
If not for this?
Moving along in ignorant bliss.
If life is the lessons,
That I’ve been asked to learn,
They are taking my straw man,
And watching her burn.

Gritted teeth.

It’s not that I don’t feel safe,
It’s that I do not feel at ease.
I do not trust their motive or their judgement,
It’s just how I perceive,
The way they act,
The things they say,
Oft’ the way it’s said.
What would possess someone to be like that?
What goes on inside their head?
Oh, to pull up the drawbridge,
To put them in a past.
Instead, I push on through gritted teeth.
The sky before me, my hope, is vast.

Weeds.

I would like some time,
Some time to breathe.
I’m not in a place,
To take off and leave,
So give my my moments,
Give me my pause.
I have that right, surely?
I have just cause.
I would like some time,
Some time to inhale,
And hold it a moment,
Before I need to exhale.
I would like some time,
Where I don’t have to think.
I would like space to freewheel,
To be buoyed, to not sink.
Don’t take me for granted.  
Don’t brush over my needs.
I’ll push back at my limits.
I won’t be lost in the weeds.

Foggy days.

I can imagine the wind,
Atop the hill,
Withdrawing my energy,
Making me still.
Still in body,
And almost in mind.
Stripping me back,
Removing the bind.
Too much effort to get there,
My weary head says,
And so I continue,
With these foggy days.

This bliss.

I sit here,
And literally wait for you.
You are to my day,
The thread, the glue.
Your needs are woven,
Through my time.
Only the gaps between,
Are nearest mine.
Even then,
I work for you.
My dear,
You’re in nearly all I do.
Five minutes here,
I grasp for me.
And in them,
My mind might run off free.
Other days,
Just like this.
You are still present,
In this bliss.

Blame.

Both our moods did change.
Was the cause the same?
Do we feel it in the air?
Is it too much a strain?
Does it knock us both off kilter?
Do we feel it just the same,
Or are you sensing mine?
Am I just as much to blame?

Reason.

When you wake from sleep,
And try to recollect your day.
A mind trying to piece together,
What made you wake this way.
Did your head lay down in this same mood?
Is it concern generated by dream?
Were things really as concerning,
As they now appear to seem.
Has the unconscious mind added,
Things that were not there,
Or have the days little worries,
Worn your soul a little bare?
A deep breath sorely needed.
All will come out in it’s time.
Let the foggy mind rest.
There may be no reason to this rhyme.

Keep us free.

I am a melancholy me today,
So many thoughts inside.
Nothing that I want to share,
And everything to hide.
I have not processed all the feelings,
Have not worked through all the fears,
Have not worked through all the things,
That have built up through the years.
I am cognisant of sacrifice,
And grateful for those who act,
Those who protect and serve,
But suffer after the fact.
I’ve spent time in my own pain today,
I am trying to find me,
But my respect lies with the many,
Who work, and worked, to keep us free.

Cascade.

I understand some’s inheritance,
And some of it innate,
But you should care enough to grow,
Not continue spreading hate.
It’s on you that you choose not to learn,
Or care how others feel.
Just because it doesn’t bother you,
Doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
You’re passing on the hurt you felt,
And then you mock their pain.
Why would you want to cascade that,
To have them feel the same?

My core.

I am grateful for the little things,
But it doesn’t stop me wanting more.
My wants are for our safety.
Those feelings in my core.
Long gone are the days of wanting,
The prestigious, the something better.
As I look at the reminders of the glamorous past,
I am happy to forget her.
I have no real urge for competition,
To compare myself, or what I own.
I am proud of things I’ve made,
Of repairs that I have sewn.
My joy is in the little things,
But I will always ask for more.
My needs are her joy and our safety.
Those feelings are my core.

Regretting the distance.

I haven’t yet processed,
The news from today.
I’m trying to write,
But don’t know what to say.
I’m struggling with memories,
And regretting the distance,
Caused by daily life,
As I got on with existence.
I know I will honour you,
In some small way,
But I’ll regret that this,
Is what I had to say.

At length.

Little things can knock you,
Can unsteady the even keel.
Then you’re served a blow to remind you,
Those things are barely real.
I need to up my patience,
And I need to up my strength,
Because true pain will come a calling,
To break my heart, at length.

Energy.

I could not find sleep last night,
Which is the strangest thing for me.
Exhaustion and a need for bed,
That’s who I’ve been, that’s been me.
I was brimming with nervous energy,
That I could not explain.  I could not place,
The need to do something.
I felt unsure in my base.
It stayed with me today,
Traces are with me now.
I feel I do not fully know this person,
But I’ll respect her.  It’s my vow.

Drifting.

Whether it is seasonal,
Or a turning point that’s key,
Something I feel is changing.
That something appears to be me.
Nothing grand or startling,
Just a subtle shifting.
I have not stopped and changed direction,
But I sense something in the drifting.
There is a certain hope,
But there’s also shards of fear.
I am trying not to judge,
Until my heart is clear.

Burnt heart.

You burnt my heart a little, today.
I can still feel the charring.
I was not expecting your reaction,
It shocked me, and was jarring.
I held on to a tinge of bitterness.
I carried it through the day.
I knew you caught me deeply,
Because that’s not normally my way.
I hope to wake up with it faded,
That it will dissipate over time.
I want to look at you with a pure heart.
For you are the epitome of mine.

An art.

To me there seems a clunkiness,
Like cogs that don’t quite fit.
Do others sense it too,
Or is it just from where I sit?
Am I the only one on edge?
Is the awkward just in me?
Do they see a calm, clear, ocean,
Where I view a choppy sea?
I see only through my eyes,
Feel only through my heart.
I am guessing others experience,
Because honesty is an art.

Present myself.

Taking a piece of peace and calm,
Tearing it down the side.
I want to pull it away from you.
I want to build a wall, and hide.
The ripples from your tossed stone,
Have upset the tranquility of my lake.
I will present myself with a smile,
But you’re the reason why it’s fake.

Relax and glow.

Did today show how I have changed,
Or just who I’ve always been?
Have my preferences truly altered,
Or am I just now being seen?
Did I previously just push to overcome,
And be who I thought I should be?
Whereas now I know myself better,
And where I’ll find a happier me?
I do sense some shades of change,
In the level of care which I show.
I am happier when I can truly breathe.
That’s when I relax, when I glow.

Revel and marvel

Today was a day I remember,
But somehow greater for it.
There were points I did start to wonder,
And there was little time to just sit,
But the core was the core of my life,
For so long, and yet so quickly passed.
So I reveled in the joy and lack of structure,
And marvelled at the fact things do not last.

Push on.

All the things these days used to be,
Are no longer.
A part of me feels guilt. Only a part.
I’m now stronger.
I would work for your happiness,
And see it not met.
I would work even harder.
I would worry, fret.
I do feel some guilt.
Something’s gone.
But now I must be met half way,
For me to push on.

The warmer.

When I am treated like a human,
The warmer I become.
I turn my heart towards kindness,
Like a plant towards the sun.
I breathe a little deeper.
Worries, they deplete.
My mind slows just enough,
That my old self, I sometimes meet.

Spare day.

This day was not what I planned,
But it doesn’t make it lost.
Like finding winters come too soon,
But seeing beauty in the frost.
This week we have tomorrow,
And the day coming after that.
Today is like the spare day.
The lazy sleeping cat.  
Conserving all its energy,
For the next happenstance of fun.
Smiling knowingly at others,
Whilst basking in the sun.

Your back.

How deeply you can burn my heart.
Part of it still smarts.
I thought that we were tied so tight,
That nothing would sever our hearts.
It turns out being your safe place,
Means your broken heart slices through me.
I will always, always, be there for you,
But it’s my job to make you see,
Broken hearts, and disappointment,
Do not justify attack.
Lay your feelings at the feet of those you trust,
And they will have your back.

Breath of reprieve.

I hold my breath.
I feel the rising nerves.  
I am eager for smooth,
But life is more curves.
For some reason, tonight,
I was sensing some trial.
I wanted to hide,
And place myself in denial.
I want just one weekend,
With joy, without fear.
A breath of reprieve,
From what threatens my dear.

Flies.

There’s something in the air today,
I feel it, as do you.
You’re ever so quick to react,
And need comfort, so as not to turn blue.
There were flies buzzing inside me today,
And I thought I was the only one.
Once I knew you were with me,
The flies were suddenly gone.

These dreams.

I have these images in my mind.
I see things that give inspiration.
I smile a little to myself,
An inner joy, a quiet elation.
Sparke of what I’d’ve liked life to be,
Of the person I am inside.
The bits of me I used to honour,
But,for some reason, I now hide.
I squeeze pieces, shards, into daily life.
Like sparks in a day of grey.
Waiting, eager to start a fire,
These dreams long to have their day.

Time.

Out through the mouth,
In the nose.
Exhale and inhale.
You know how it goes.
Not shallow, but deeply.
Lungs filling up.
Hoping to re-fill,
Your inner cup.
Peace, patience,
Happiness, trust.
The cup may be aging,
Starting to rust,
But it does a job,
If you give it the time.
Time, I must remember,
Can sometimes be mine.

Fear hearted.

It is not easy letting go.
I cried as we parted today.
All those feelings I’d kept inside.
Were desperate to have their say.
I am strong for you, or I try to be,
But inside my heart is weeping.
I tell you what you need to hear.
My fears for you, I’m keeping.
It is not easy letting go.
I cried when today we parted,
But I held on until you were out of sight.
I will not see you fear-hearted.

Turns to dust.

I thought you deserved some joy.
I thought you deserved some fun,
You think it’s worth the risk,
That it’s just life, when the day is done.
It just didn’t work out how I hoped.
And you end up with the pain.
I end up with the guilt,
That we are here again.
Life is a daily fight,
‘Tween over-protection and trust,
When it happens, and I don’t know why,
My sense of balance turns to dust.

Gift.

I would rather not,
Spend my time,
With those,
Who bring out the worst in me.
I would rather not,
Be that person.
I would rather,
Just be.
I do not like the jibes,
I feel each and every one.
As much as I’m told,
‘That’s just who they are’,
I count down,
‘Til they are gone.
My shoulders,
Feel much lighter,
My mood,
Begins to lift.
Sometimes,
An emptier room,
Can be,
The greatest gift.

Tales of strangers.

You are moved by things I would not expect,
But not by the things I would.
You melt at tales of strangers,
But at her achievements you are as wood.
I appreciate diversity,
And know we aren’t the same,
But it’s her heart, her spirit, her confidence
This matters.  It’s not a game.

Sorry and hope.

You can not undo mistakes.
You can only be sorry and hope.
I am the type to overcompensate.
That is how I cope.
I do not aspire to perfection,
Just good enough for you.
To keep you safe, and always loved.
When you break? To be the glue.
You cannot undo your mistakes,
As I cannot undo mine,
But in loving each other as we do,
Is the closest we’ll be to fine.

Glove.

No one wants that type of call.
A stomach set in spin.
It was a better outcome than I feared,
But I still want to draw you in.
I want to pull you close,
And keep the world at bay.
I want to keep you safe from harm,
But that’s really not the way,
To let you take the chances,
To let you feel the joy.
You are you’re own person,
And not somebody’s toy.
I’ll still always want to shield you,
It comes with the depth of love.
It’s down to watch I teach you.
Your knowledge will be your glove.

Pull back.

Tomorrow I need a pull back day.
I need some space for me.
I need to close my eyes, and breathe.
I want to watch the birds in the tree.
I need to truly drink a coffee,
For itself and just for me.
I need to take a breath,
Because life has been running me.

What time is for.

A trigger of my memories.
A pricking at my heart.
All those feelings flooding forward.
Where then should I then start?
Looking back with hindsight,
But still feeling more than a little raw.
I’m not ready yet to tackle them.
That’s what time is for.

As dear.

When I'm not here,
I have not left you.
I'm just somewhere else,
Thinking of you.
When I'm not here,
I have not left you,
There's no reason,
To be scared or blue.
I'm just someplace else,
Doing something,
That I cannot do right here,
But there's nowhere,
I would rather be,
And no one,
As loved, as dear.

Your truth.

I cannot bear for life to break you,
Nor for that spark to dim.
It is always in my busy mind.
The glass of wine with broken rim.
I cannot bear for life to harm you,
You bless a room with joy.
You deserve your own to be unfettered,
You are your truth and not a toy.

Spin.

In those brief and quiet moments,
I am the me I used to be.
Sure of how I'm feeling,
And the closest I've been to free.
In those brief and quiet moments,
I am breathing deep and I am calm.
I feel no threats, no dark challenges,
No thorns to do me harm.
In those brief and quiet moments,
I try to soak it in.
To hold it, trap the memory,
Before life takes another spin.

Spray.

There's always quiet judgement.
I am too used to that face.
That face you pull, as though disgusted,
Can poison any space.
A room that once had air,
That once had space and light,
Can be fogged with your mist.
It isn't fair.  It's isn't right.
You've been told. You've mea culpa'd,
But make no attempts to change.
I'm supposed to just ignore them,
But I can't.  Why is that strange?
You're expressing an emotion.
You're sending it my way.
You've tossed it in the air,
A soul damaging spray.
I can't help but be infected,
By the emotions that you throw.
Why do I have to accept them?
Aren't we both supposed to grow?

Winning.

The day has gone too fast,
For me to focus on the now.
For brief seconds only,
I register just how,
Lucky I am, or how I am blessed.
I know it, but am lost in the haze,
Of all the things that need my attention,
To just get through the days.
Sometimes I'm just trading water,
In the list of things to be done,
But by seeing your heart, I can also see,
That though I've failed the list, I've still won.

Choose.

Some days it's hard to be grateful,
For the kind things that you do,
Because of the things you don't,
Because of the times when you're that you.
In my mind I am always grateful,
For the benefits you give,
But sometimes my heart mourns the fact,
That it's not how you choose to live.

There.

When pain is omnipresent,
But you cannot take a break.
When you live your life for orders,
And nothing's for your sake.
The deep breath that you take,
To help you power on through,
Holds a part of me inside it.
I will always be there for you.

Frame.

When you're scared,
That your body,
Is about to give in, give way,
To an illness,
Or a fever,
And you will not have a say.
When you're scared,
That your body,
Is about to drop its game,
Hold on,
Let it rest,
Let it grasp a frame.

The glue.

This is me, as close to peace,
As my days now get.
There are still the thoughts of worry,
But the joy is greater yet.
I wonder about the other life,
Through the sliding door.
Would it be so much harder,
Or would I love it more?
The one thing I couldn't bare,
Would be to lose what makes you, you.
You are the responder to your experiences,
Your soul is the glue.

A dart.

I ride the wave of worry,
As it looks like you're not well.
How will it transpire?
It's too early now to tell.

My sleep will be disturbed.
I will ride the wave of worry.
My stomach twists, and occasionally
My heartbeats become a flurry.

My worry is for you.
My dear sweet little heart.
Sometimes this wave of worry,
Means my happiness holds a dart.

A pinch.

If we were left in peace,
I would be more grateful for tomorrow.
It takes the sweet release,
And adds a pinch of sorrow.
If we were left in peace,
I would be more grateful for these days.
To meet their wants and expectations,
I am the one that pays.  

Impacted.

My mind is not the thing it was.
It bends and shifts in ways,
That it didn't do before.
It can get tired in a haze.
It struggles now to concentrate,
And that was what I knew.
Getting in to detail,
Focused as time flew.
Now my mind is tired,
And easily distracted.
Something that's surprised me,
Is how my soul's impacted.

Must not.

My gratitude,
Is for you today.
The way you look at me,
And the things you say.
Oh my girl,
You have such a heart.
I pray for us both,
That we must not part.

On my way.

Although I may be healing,
Today tells me I'm not whole.
The rips come all to easily,
Though I can see my goal.
I can feel the sadness looming,
From the disappointment and the pain.
Though my vessel is getting stronger,
It's can be easily rocked again.
A deep breath, and reflection,
Then put the day away.
Learn from this experience,
And get back on my way.

Being true.

I understand the effect it has,
But I cannot just pretend.  
I have tried to live to please,
But it collapses in the end.
To live to make them happy,
Means you lose the things that are you.
Understand you would prefer agreement,
But I would not be being true.  

Their dreams.

When promises are broken,
With a shrug and a 'I didn't think',
Lack of consideration,
Can make a broken heart sink.
You sometimes have to consider,
What thoughtlessness really means,
A head up in the clouds,
Or you're just not present in their dreams.

Obligation.

Nothing is ever simple,
Nothing ever sure.
There's always something lurking,
A moment never pure.
I try and aim for optimism,
I fall and grab at resignation.
I balance my desire to protect you,
With the requirements of obligation.

And tears.

The gates have opened,
In they flow,
All my concerns,
Like a flurry of snow.
All the what it's and maybes,
As I try to pre-defend.
Solving problems not incurred yet,
Is the way in which I'll spend,
The time until I meet,
With the moment that ignites my fears.
I pray for smiles at the end of this,
Not anger, heartbreak and tears.

Dear sweet.

Oh dear sweet it is for you,
All I think and most I do.
Oh my heart you hold the key,
To the place where souls soar free.
You could test the patient angels,
You would try a confident devil.
You are you and you alone,
And in your smile, the world will revel.

Decay.

I wrote so much today,
But none of it release.
All of it just adding harm,
Not bringing me to peace.
I know that whatever's said,
Will be met with mean retort.
You never can admit the wrongs,
You simply aren't that sort.
So tonight I write purely for me,
To set it on it's way.
I have to open the tap.
Retained poison means decay.

In which

The greatest part,
Of any day,
Is holding you,
As it drifts away.
The greatest part,
Of any morn,
Is waking to a world,
In which you were born.

About you.

My senses are lulled,
And I start to feel guilt.
Perhaps you are pushing,
As far to the hilt,
As you were born,
Or raised capable.
I take a deep breath,
Let my mind be still.
Then you do,
What you always do.
Live life selfishly.
It's always about you.

My job.

My job,
Is to improve for you.
My job is to heal,
To be the glue.
My job is to soothe,
To be the balm,
My job's to protect,
Keep you from harm.
My job's to nuture,
Help you grow,
And provide moral guidance.
Sometimes, the answer is no.
My job is to guide you,
Sometimes teach.
Help you find your way,
And try not to preach.
It's not my job to love you,
That, my heart, is a true pleasure.
Your love, my heart, your care for me,
Is my greatest treasure.

Corroded.

As I see clearer, day by day,
I see it's trust that paves my way.
A lack of trust can shake my soul,
And stop me from feeling whole.
All is damaged by lack of trust.
Iron foundations corroded by rust.

Take it.

So many little triggers,
In a day that's nearly done.
It wasn't a great success,
But in a way I feel I've won.
Tomorrow's another matter,
But I did get through today.
It's not some great accomplishment,
But I'll take it anyway.

In transition.

I cannot place my soul today,
It's like it's in transition.
I am still working away for others,
But found I had another mission.
I wanted to learn about myself,
To understand how I tick.
I may have become stagnant,
And my protect shield is thick,
But in it I saw moments,
Of tiny streams of light.
Belief in what I know to be true.
Belief in what is right.

Quite so sure.

Sometimes some thing breaks,
Like a stream of light piercing cloud.
It doesn't gently whisper,
It's screaming, shouting loud.
It's shocking in its clarity,
It's message direct and pure.
It's shocking, somewhat frightening,
That you are quite so sure.

The best in days.

A look with voice that's tinged,
Can take a day that was winged,
And trigger a negative stream.
You rip me from the dream.
I focus on her smile,
For a little while.
I focus on what's good,
Try to behave as kindly as one should.
I try not to let it taint,
And remember no matter how faint,
There's a line I must not erase,
If I'm to preserve the best in days.

Graft.

The chasm is visibly widening,
And the boat is sailing away. 
It's quietly and consistently happening,
Day after day after day. 
If I knew how to stop it happening,
Would I really want it to halt?
Why I am the one to put all the graft in,
When it feels like it's not all my fault.

The world.

When you say those things you say,
In your own inimitable way,
Your sleekness gives it power.
It may take a minute, or an hour,
But I see the things that other don't.
I see the meaning in the thought.
I shrivel at what your heart and mind,
Can think, because it is unkind.
How can you not see the pain,
You cause in others.  You deal in shame.
I sometimes despise you, sometimes pity.
When your heart is good, the world is pretty.

This harry.

If it were this...
If it were this.
Freedoms long lost,
Returned with grace.
Peace across a tired face.
Shouldering different burdens,
Different worries to carry,
But a chance to breathe more deeply.
A life without this harry.

Nothing left unseen.

A sentence, so innocent.  
Accurate none the less.
She sees to the core,
Through the daily mess.
She does not understand the nuance,
Does not know what it does mean,
But she sees the thing unmentioned,
There's nothing left unseen.

Tethered.

Though these hours are hard, I treasure them,
For they are now all I have of you.
These hours may not be easy,
But they provide the glue.
They are our daily connection,
Before life pulls us in different ways.
They are our family tree,
That, though deeply rooted, sometimes sways.
I love you, like no other.
This love drives my mind.
So, though these hours are hard, I treasure them.
We are tethered, you will find.

Stern.

This is not the fight I wanted.
It's not how I wanted it to be.
I wanted to have trust in you.
I wanted to just be.
I didn't want to second guess,
Or have to question twice.
I wanted you to know what's right.
I wanted you to be nice.
I have to believe you'll get there.
I have to believe you'll learn.
I want to smile and laugh with you.
I do not want to be so stern.

Go on.

I see that face,
And though I've tried,
My willingness,
To go on, has died.

Blimey.

It would appear that the very thing,
From which I've shied away,
Is actually the very thing,
That turns my darkness in to day.
I'm remembering that there are souls,
Who can set a light inside your heart.
It's not a total fix,
But blimey, its a start.

Fighting spite.

I stop, and realise,
I have to write.
I got lost in trying,
And fighting spite.
Today held a flicker,
Of what could have been.
It's probably not something,
I should have seen.
Sometimes it's best,
To close your eyes.
Sometimes the truth,
Means your soul slowly dies.

Perpetual stealth.

I have a suspicion.
An inkling breaks forth.
That you do not like,
When I feel my true north.
That your moods are affected,
When'er I feel myself,
But I cannot live a life,
Of perpetual stealth.

Rungs.

Am I breathing deeper?
Is there more air in my lungs?
Am I one step further,
Up a ladder full of rungs?
I'd hoped to climb back to you,
But are you climbing the other way?
I have to keep on breathing.
What games will you choose to play?

At you.

Sometimes,
There is gentle light in a day.
Storm clouds can be waiting,
Not far away,
But there can still be a glow,
One moment or a few.
I am happy,
When I am smiling at you.

Golden days.

Oh my heart,
Will they understand you,
As much as I try to do?
Will they be generous,
Will they see your soul,
And know that your north is true?
Will they have patience,
To accept who you are,
And the uniqueness of your ways.
Oh my heart,
May they be gentle with you,
And make these golden days.

To a trigger.

My reaction was to a trigger.
My reaction said so much.
I did not want any comfort.
I did not want another's touch.
I wanted as I spoke it.
I wanted to be free,
To say life as I saw it.
To express in a way that's me.
My reaction was to a trigger.
My reaction said it all.
I have a way to climb.
This journey has turned in to a fall.

Weakening voice.

You might feel ready,
But I am not.
That does not matter.
Not a jot.
Time rolls on.
I have no choice.
As your age increases,
It weakens my voice.
It can never weaken,
The power of my heart.
You will always consume it.
Together or apart.

Damaged.

I feel compelled to see,
But don't want to know.
I lay here,
Waiting for sleep to flow.
In the hope tomorrow,
Will bring a memory hole,
And blind my already,
Damaged soul.

Bottle.

If only I could bottle days like these,
And have them on repeat.
Surviving with a hint of glow,
Would feel like no mean feat.
I know it doesn't work like that.
I know it cannot be.
So I cherish those we do get.
Memory is the key.

Impatient.

I'm not sure how I am.
I'm not sure what it means.
I don't want to over react,
But what if all's not what it seems.
I know I'm not myself,
But I'm not completely ill.
I am moving through each day,
But I more often need some still.
I need to not be standing,
I need to rest my head.
I am impatiently waiting for an indicator.
I do not want to end up dead.

Dear.

I look at you,
As you so peacefully sleep.
Your soul as whole,
I want to keep.
I cannot trust,
The world with you.
My dear, sweet, heart,
What I would not do,
To keep you safe,
To hold you near.
Your beautiful soul,
Is all that's dear.

As King.

You took a beautiful day,
And you did your usual thing.
Your life is all that matters.
Your experience rules as King.
I speak my words of reaction.
I speak my feelings clear.
I will not take your guilt.
It is not mine to clear.  

Flower from seed.

What would I feel,
If it weren't for you.
Who would split,
My heart in two?
What would I do,
With my mind,
If you weren't here,
Being unkind?
Where would,
My busy thoughts go?
Left to run free,
Without each blow.
Would they run free,
Without the lead?
Would they flourish,
Flower from seed?
Would they simply,
Look for another?
Seeking out,
Your spiritual brother.
Seeking out,
What it knows.
This heart,
You semi-froze.

Overworks.

There he is to test me.
There he is to pull at strings.
I buckle down, I fake a smile.
Brace myself for what it brings.
My mind searches for solutions,
It searches for repair.
It tries to fix the problem.
It overworks, but it is there.

Know not how.

Too tired to say what should have been said.
Giving in, instead, to dreams.  
Those words may not have been outwardly said,
But they're still there inside, it seems.
Praying for a night of sleep,
Too tired to go there now.
Praying for the grace of safety.
I'll have to cope, but know not how.

Well worn.

It has increased my understanding.
Knowledge has been gained.
There were moments where I smiled,
But I always felt restrained.
It never felt just easy.
It never felt like joy.
Always there, but not considered,
Like a favourite toy.
There for someone else's needs,
It has a job to perform.
Dragged along behind you.
Is it loved, or just well worn?

Cast adrift.

I try to reign in my thoughts.
Try to think with generosity.
Then you pull the carpet free,
With a rather surprising velocity.
I am tired of the mind games,
In what should be my space.
I am so oft' cast adrift,
In what should be my place.

For so many years I took for granted,
What I had and what was given.
I was blessed, I was loved.
I was respected, and I driven
I look back at that fondly,
My dream now cast adrift.
I was blessed and I was loved,
So I know now what I missed.

Grown

What can look idyllic,
Can be a heart that's sore
For years I will have watched,
And hoped for that and nothing more.
The grass isn't always greener,
There can be dangers in the weeds.
You can lose established happiness,
When you start planting seeds.
You can get lost in your own garden.
Forget your own way home.
I'm still working out if I've retreated,
Or if this is what they call grown.

Stellar advice.

I try to remember the stellar advice,
That I have oft' imparted.
Focus on the positives,
Is how I've often started.
Your life is blessed innumerably,
Don't suspect your cursed.  
Focus on the positives.
Lines, so well rehearsed.
It's not the one you imagined,
And hopefully not one you deserve,
But my god you have it better,
Than so many on this earth.

My fear.

I do not trust you.
I do not trust you with her.

I do not trust your decision making.
I do not trust your instincts.

I do not share your priorities.
You do not value what I do.

You take my heart.
You hold my fear.
You take my heart,
All I hold dear.

Queen of fools.

Sometimes life reveals.
In bursts and then in streams.
As I stood there all alone.
I realised I lost my dreams.
I was shifted to the back,
Whether immediately or over time.
The focus is on others,
And the choices never mine.
I built this leaning tower,
Or at least I held the tools,
I am a prisoner to my choices,
I am the queen of fools.

Layers peeling.

I felt the wind blow through.
I felt the layers peeling.
I did not want to move,
To lose how I was feeling.
It's better in these moments,
But the core issues remain.
There is still the repressed anger,
That when you leak, still causes pain.

If she bleeds.

Is the difference me or you?
Have you felt it these past days?
Have you shifted how you react,
Or have I changed my ways.
Are you performing for her
There are times the cracks till show.
I am tired from being 'the one'
I can not just let things go.
I'm the one who has to plan ahead,
The one who is prepared.
I take the responsibility,
Because it isn't shared.
I am ever now the mother,
And more so with her needs.
I am prepared when she is hungry,
And prepared for if she bleeds.
I know what will scare her,
I know when she'll need care.
Your disparaging remarks,
Show you don't understand, aren't there.

Prison.

Skirting outside the norm.
So far, for just one day.
Rolling from moment to moment,
Almost to tired to say,
That sometimes pushing sideways,
Is the right decision
It is not always the easier one,
But can still free you from a prison.

My instructor.

Being in the presence of positive energy,
Makes me a better me.
Makes me a better person.
It's quite unnerving to see.
It's jarring to my soul, my heart.
It's shocking to see the change.
I am literally glowing.
It's like they've broadened up my range.
It's almost frightening to see myself,
In the box that I usually live.
When all I get is negative energy,
I have little but that to give.
When I am given warmth and honest smiles,
I'm like a mass conductor.
I'm amplifying happiness.
These days have been my instructor.

Emotional crutch.

Your fears are simpler,
But as many as mine.
So whilst I may not understand them,
The worry does chime.
I offer what I need,
When life seems just too much.
I am the hug and the love,
The emotional crutch.  

Braised.

I wonder what it will feel like,
When they truly have gone.
Will the sky suddenly be lighter?
Or will another cloud move on?
Are they purely a trigger,
That can be erased,
Or are they just a scapegoat,
In a soul painfully braised?
I never wish for harm.
I never wish for pain,
But I cannot help but long for,
A time without this game.

Cloying net.

I can feel the cracks today.
I can feel the pain.
I've tried so hard cover it,
But it rising up again.

I can feel the heaviness.
I can feel the cloying net.
I thought that I was finding a peace,
But I haven't got there yet.

Real concerns.

It's like I know what can't be known,
Just because I know what to expect.
We have been here too many times.
I am weather beaten, in that respect.
I try to put aside my fears,
But they are close enough to touch.
They do not see my real concerns,
But then no one love her quite as much.

This plough.

Is there any point in being mad with myself?
It doesn't change a thing.
I am acutely aware of the blessings I've ignored.
The bells of ingratitude ring.
I desperately want that back again.
The things I took for granted.
I want to be fully present for her,
Without a skew that makes life slanted.
I recognise my failings,
So much clearer now.
I want to regain focus,
But don't want to lose this plough.

In the doze.

Just not right.
Is it something sleep will cure?
Is it the tension in the shoulders,
From one too many knock?
Is it irritated sinuses,
Inflamed and close to block?
The aches and irritants are present,
The eyes, they want to close.
I am going to let them.
To wallow in the doze.

One clear constant.

A telling day.
Was it the day, or me?
Was it perfectly arranged,
Or did he just stop enough to see?
Indicators, right and left.
How our lives have, over time, been weft.
Patterns forming, as things shift.
The one clear constant? You're my gift.

My one.

Life keeps moving forward.
Time keeps passing on.
I won't always be your go-to,
But you'll always be my one.

Deserve to shine.

You are changing.  You are growing.
You have chips starting to show.
I can see that some are my 'fault'.
I try my best, but don't always know,
What you will take so deeply.
Your triggers are different to mine.
Every day, I will try to polish them out.
My darling you deserve to shine.

I remember her.

As I talk to you, I remember her.
She is closer to me now.
I cannot be her again,
I really don't know how.
It is lovely to almost touch her,
But it's not important that she stays.
It's important that I grow,
But that can happen in many ways.

Still carrying.

I'm still carrying your first offence,
So when you up the count,
I struggle then to look at you.
My distaste begins to mount.
I question all your actions,
And my decisions then for sure.
Your behaviour is not acceptable,
But I suspect my translation is not pure.

On guard.

This I remember.
This feeling hits home.
When you're made a stranger.
You are clearly alone.
This, a reminder,
Of why I am here.
When all your wondering,
Is suddenly clear.
This I remember.
This feeling hits hard.
When you've been made a stranger.
Your heart is on guard.

Sleep's required.

Some days you just need to rest,
Your head on something soft,
And take ten minutes peace,
To keep your spirit aloft.
Today was not my best job,
But perhaps not my all time worst.
I'll try and rally in the morning,
But sleep's required first.

In the mix.

So many warnings,
Things to address,
So many triggers,
Creating a mess.
I know I should tackle,
I know I should fix,
But not today,
Whilst I'm deep in the mix.  

Watch it fall.

Is feels strange to write,
Before the day is done.
Stronger feelings,
Could always come.
Putting my day,
On this page,
It's what I'll go back to,
In another age.
I sense the rest of the day,
May not be mine,
So I am taking,
Just this moment in time,
Reflecting on how,
I can overthink it all.
Throw it up in the air,
And watch it fall.

Higher bar.

That me that doesn't carry worry?
Her breath is deep and steady.
Those hours of peace today,
Have made me slightly heady.
I've missed her.  I like her.
I just hope it doesn't marr,
My view of the life that's now really mine,
As it's set a higher bar.

A piercing way.

Someone else's news,
But it rings a bell,
In such a piercing way.
Yet it's too close to home to tell.
You can not say you understand,
You can not say you know.
What you feel is empathy,
But its sympathy you show.
You offer your assistance,
And a shoulder, on which to lean,
But you shy a way a little, in case,
They see what cannot be unseen.

Higher in mind.

How is that something you could forget?
Lost in your world, will you not regret?
You have not mastered how to balance your heart.
For the ones in the shadow, it's a knife to their heart.
There's always something that is higher in mind.
It isn't fair, it isn't kind.

Grooves.

One things shifts and everything moves.
The cart is out of the happy grooves.
The road ahead looks somehow askew,
And it it makes you look at yourself anew.

From sky to floor.

When you imagine, you almost wish.
The silent kind of dreams.
You tell yourself it's just a thought,
That this isn't what it seems.
That this is just a stage,
To endure, to push on through.
Your mind will change, will shift,
And a belief will shine in you.
A belief I don't have now,
But am truly longing for.
Until then I hold my breath,
And shift eyes from sky to floor.



 

Revels.

The sparkle in your eyes,
The grin on your face,
And the glee you express,
Are all out of place.
How can you trust someone,
Who celebrates distress,
Who turns a back,
And revels in mess.
You look at the face.
Has it looked that way for you?
You hope it has not,
But can't be sure that it's true.

Honest aim.

The road looks long ahead.
There are no pit stops, no parking spaces.
I am here, of course, as always.
Alone, though I see faces.
I will not let you down,
Though I drop my head in pain,  
Survival mixed with smiles,
Is my honest aim.  

Heart reach.

That laugh, that giggle,
Can change a day.
It can punch the sun,
Through clouds of grey.
When life is tough,
Within or throughout,
Your heart reaches in,
And pulls me out.

With sundown.

Today I knew,
What felt right.
Then rolls around,
Another night.
There was a time,
When the nights brought peace.
The days were hard,
And the night release.
Now the days are up and down,
And worries roll in with sundown.

As it progresses.

I am anxious once I know.
I am grateful when it ends.
I am on edge as it progresses,
I light up when I see friends.
I suspect they'll always be a trigger.
I will always want to run.
Today has given me a little more time,
Before the next one's set to come.

Makes sense.

I thought it would be a time of joy,
And I can feel it in my base,
But the fear of what could happen,
Has built a tiny place,
Planted a pretty garden,
And erected a picket fence.
It is a time of joy,
But sometimes the fear makes sense.

April showers.

My boat's been rocked. It's wobbling.
I can't seem to find the calm.
Each little tweak upon my tail,
It causing my peace harm.
Tomorrow is another day,
But tonight has many more hours.
When they come, they don't come alone.
They fall like April showers.

Thoughts apart.

There are wasps,
Buzzing inside my heart.
I am anxious to progress,
Yet loathe to start.
I am not best placed,
To pull thoughts apart.
Nor best placed,
To deliver fine art.

Driving steam.

The sky has such quiet beauty.
Another me would enjoy its splendour.
Another me would not have the burdens,
That I choose to cover, to render.
I am in the place my decisions built.
I choose to stay and dream.
I hope I have the strength,
Not to lose the driving steam.

A deliberate dance.

How can you not see,
Yourself in your words?
How can you not see,
Your indignation's absurd.
How can you not see,
That your pride in your stance,
Is just confirming that you,
Are leading a deliberate dance.

Why I.

The night of pain and fear has passed.
Our nerves begin to settle.  
I have not shaken all the fears.
There is limit to my mettle.
You will always be my Achilles heel.
I will always fear for you.
It will always drive my behaviour.
You're why I do the things I do.

Brow.

It's 16:47 and I want my bed.
To shut out what's behind,
And cut straight to ahead.
I need these days,
To be over, and gone.
I need the strength,
To push forward, push on.
I have neither strength,
Not patience right now.
So I need to to focus,
On this hills brow.

Places of my heart.

I am uncomfortable,
Having them tell me about you.
As if I wasn't aware.
As if it were new.
I feel the points,
And to me they are sharp.
Pricking in the softest,
Places of my heart.

It dips.

It rises, it dips,
This journey we take.
Pushing in through it.
These memories we make.
I wanted idyllic,
We got honest instead.
I hope it's enough,
As you rest your tired head.

Please be well.

My heart aches,
When you are not you.
When you're ill, in pain,
Or feeling blue.
My heart aches,
When you cannot smile.
Please be well,
In the shortest while.

Valuable days.

My body is tired,
But my brain is too.
I am staring ahead,
At the sky losing blue.
There are passing thoughts,
As my eyes start to glaze.
I have a feeling this is one,
Of the uneventful valuable days.

Tentative true.

One step at a time.
Tentative, true,
But a step nevertheless,
It's all I can do.
Each movement forward,
I'm thinking of you.
Taking us safely,
To pastures new.

Unexplored place.

When they tell you time and again,
That you are wrong, and seeing false,
But come back one day,
And tell you of their waltz,
And you know for sure,
That you saw true,
It will change you.
Reinforce you too.
I do not know,
This new headspace,
But I know, this evening,
I am in a unexplored place.

I will not go.

I know.
Already know,
I do not need,
The wind to blow.
I know,
What I feel.
I'm just doing,
My bit to deal.
One step forward.
Each tentative toe.
I will hang on.
I will not go.  

Hold dear.

I got this.
I can do this on my own.
That's how I felt today.
That's what I felt was shown.
We can wade through troubles,
I can be the steer,
As long as I remember,
What we both hold dear.

The fee.

Nothing changes.
Always the same.
Lost in this torture.
It's again and again.
Seeing the glimpse,
Of what life could be.
But happiness,
Always has a fee.

In heart and head.

It is not the same,
When the meaning shifts.
There's a drop to the mood,
No joyful lifts.
Lots of questions,
Flood my mind.
They are generous,
They are not kind.
They're suspicious,
Lined with dread.
Your choices leave a taint,
In heart and head.

Life is fine.

And for the moment,
I smile and am free.
I am the girl,
I used to be.
Just for a moment,
But the moment is mine.
Where I am happy,
And life is fine.

Full time.

I realised today,
What's the root of the cause.
I used to get lost in the moment,
There was no pause.
Now, I am present,
Always, for you.
So awareness, and anxiety,
Slowly seeps through.
I see the risks,
Envisage your pain,
So I can't see me being her,
Full time, again.

What I suspected.

No matter what the day brings,
The worry never ceases.  
It just goes in to resting state,
So any incident releases,
The fear for you, sometimes us,
And the driving need to keep you protected.
I close my eyes and pull you near.
Whether or not it's what I suspected.

Without the fear.

I felt a message in our day today,
Yet I can't put it in to words.
I cannot see it clearly yet,
Like a picture revealed in thirds.
I'm waiting for the last piece,
To make it all come clear.
I know there's something building,
But this time I wait without the fear.  

Queen bee.

It appears there is a limit,
On my calm and my composure.
I am clearly holding grudges,
And can not have achieved closure.
My hackles rise, my shoulders tense,
There are butterflies within me.
I become on edge with everyone,
And sting like a wounded queen bee.

Yet.

Some days start tough but help you realise,
That your heart still holds a dream.
You're just not there, or moving either,
But that's just 'cause you lost steam.
It's ok to take a dream break,
It's fine to take a pause.
You might not have it yet,
But it doesn't mean it can't be yours.

Tired soul.

It's not a day to react.
It's not a day to make decisions.
My heart is bruised and a little fractured.
All I can think of is divisions.
It's a day to push on through,
'Til another one arrives.
I need to find the place,
In which my tired soul thrives.

Patch the hole.

Some days,
Your tethers end is remarkably near.
You can't fight the grey cloud,
Or impending tear.
You need to just let loose,
The pain from your soul.
You hope that by clearing out,
You can patch over the hole.

Quick wilt.

I am harshest when my heart has fear,
And the greatest fear's for you.
When my heart should be healing you,
My fear for you drives through.
If there was a case you could love too much,
Then you would be my guilt.
My fear for you, is the easiest thing,
To make my strength quick wilt.
Yet for you I take a deep breath,
And drag whatever is left deep.
For you I'll do whatever's needed,
For your safety and happiness to keep.

Rusted.

Don't blame me for not affording trust.
Blame the person who can not be trusted.
Whatever shiny metal once shown,
Was left in tha rain and rusted.

I despise.

There is no fear like motherhood.
I did not know fear 'til I knew you.
Each and every day,
There is something new.
My heart drops to my stomach,
The bike it wants to rise.
The love is beyond perfection.
The fear for you, I despise.

Time isn't ours.

My joy, it warms me.
I breathe in long and deep.
I want to hold this moment in my memory.
I know time isn't ours to keep.
You are an inspiration.
You are worth the changes made.
I may get tired and not always be my best,
But my love will never fade.

Tomorrow's another day.

I see you, and I know.
I know which way you'll go.
I do not know the why,
But I see in the way you're shy,
About truly answering me,
That your heart had greyed,
And your mind's no longer free.
I ask you gentle probing questions,
But you're still not ready to say.
So I leave it and I hug you.
Tomorrow's another day.

Free to be.

The butterflies I once had,
Have become imprisoned moths.
Over years of harsher words,
And through strange feelings of loss.
I miss the girl I was.
I dream of who I'd be.
If I were someplace else.
If I were free to be.

Bring the other.

Take a deep breath,
And push through the fear.
Do what you can,
Let hope and love steer.
One foot forward,
Bring the other to meet it.
I can't see it's easy,
But I'm determined to beat it.

Puppet toy.

Will I ever lose this trigger?
Will this fear reduce as well?
Could I keep my glow at your return?
Only time will tell.
I want to keep that feeling,
Of peace and freedom, joy.
To be free of all the strings,
And not a puppet toy.

All of her years.

She is grateful,
So I am too.
Happiness moments,
That belong to you two.
It will never ride easy,
There will always be tears,
But she'll continue to love you,
Through all of her years.

Jointly responsible.

I strangely revel in the glimpses,
Of what my life might be.
It makes me feel a little more alive,
And that the problem's not all me.
I am not the sole killer,
Of joy and happiness.
We are jointly responsible,
For this unhappy mess.

Window ajar.

I am out of sorts,
In a physical way.
The crash to my head,
Is making a stay.
Just a little askew,
A little awry.
I'm sure there's a physical reason,
As to why,
Yet strangely it feels,
Like a window ajar.
Am I seeing things,
As they really are?

My bird.

Pushing through the nerves.
Swallowing back the fear.
Faking it 'til you make it.
This heart I hold so dear.
You wanted it, you were determined,
And you made the time your own.
I am so very proud of you,
My bird that's not yet flown.

Second guessed.

You always add a little,
Anxious to the day.
Your behaviour drops it in,
But doesn't take away.
Life generates enough things,
To worry about.
I don't need to be looking,
For your pout.
I don't need to be worrying,
What you'll do or say.
It's a life second guessed,
When it works out that way.

Chose to rescind.

When the little things keep coming,
And they batter and erode,
The energy that you had,
To power on down your road,
Take the deepest breath you can,
And blow it to the wind.
The power you gave to frustration,
You can choose to rescind.

They should know better.

When you are questioned to your very core,
Do you come back fighting a little more?
When strangers question, I doubt myself.
When it's those who should love me,
I'm defiance itself.
I'm angry at them, but more at 'me'.
They should know better, but I clearly didn't, you see.

Moments of treasure.

I sleep my most peaceful,
When I sleep with you.
It's like the world is righted,
And our lines are true.
Your breathing is deeper,
Your smiles permeate sleep,
But it's not to last.
It's not something we'll keep.
Life will move on.
These days and nights are so short.
They're the moments of treasure,
That cannot be bought.

Tear away.

It feels like an achievement.
So simple, but bringing joy.
Tear away the clutter,
Those things there that annoy.
It will not take a moment,
To retreat to its former state,
But I have a few days,
To soke up peace, not hate.

Whatever the weather.

I have my place,
And it is here.  
A world away,
From all your fear.
Be it sunny,
Or overcast,
I feel like my sail,
Has a stronger mast.
I'm staring out,
Towards the sea,
And whatever the weather,
I fee more like me.

Confident youth.

Out it comes,
There it blows.  
All that's needed,
Is communication flows.
Gone from lost,
To feeling strong.
Feeling loved,
And not judged or wrong.
Friendship,
Especially with those who tell the truth,
Can take you back,
To your confident youth.

Road ahead.

Today was a day in which it was hard to write.
No great trauma, no horrendous fight.
Just in myself, things are a little askew.
In myself, but I think because of you.
I'm choosing to put today away,
Put it behind another day.  
Focus on putting this one to bed.
In hope there's a more even road ahead.

Own way home.

A day of mini tests.
A day without a moment to pause.
A day you could have lost yourself,
But you chose to make it yours.
You came back fighting,
You stared into space,
You gained some composure,
And wiped your face.
I wish you wouldn't disappear,
In to your self generated storm,
But I am so very proud of you,
When you find your own way home.

On mum's.

I will never not worry,
Because I will never not care.
I will always want to hold you close,
Run my fingers through your hair.
Those things I did when you were my baby,
Before you went out in to the world.
When I felt at peace next to your sleeping face,
And knew how each hair curled.
As you get bigger and get bolder,
And you know your own bright mind,
Retreating gracefully is hard on mum's.
So whilst I'll do my best, be kind.

Up at night.

My mind's a little muggy.
I'm not quite sure what to feel.
It hasn't happened to us,
So it doesn't quite seem real,
But to put myself in their shoes,
Is a terrifying thought.
To lose those who are close to me,
Would leave my life with nought.
How could you ever think.
That your actions have a right?
To think you chose to end lives.
It keeps me up at night.

Wrecks.

You change when you are with them,
Subtly, quietly, but I see.
You switch from hyper to anxious.
Emotions riding a stormy sea.
You're manically laughing with joy one minute.
Face contorted with fear the next.
The revel in the glory,
And leave me with wrecks.
I will always be safe harbour.
I will always light my house.
I will encourage you, my tiger,
And soothe the timid mouse.

In this space.

The words just keep on coming,
I need to get them from my head.
I need to purge myself of how I feel,
And all the things that they have said.
I need to check with someone else,
To see a look on another face,
To understand if I have a right,
To be sitting in this space.

Too tired to say,

The deepest sigh,
On a telling day.
Wondering how,
This became our way.
Not quite sure,
How we found ourselves here.
Each step taken,
On a path unclear.
Each decision made,
Slowly built the road,
And added some weight,
To our growing load,
My deepest sigh,
On this telling day,
Makes me look to the sky,
Because I'm too tired to say.

Bounce from the fall.

When life is hard and confusing,
Laughing with a friend is all.
Taking it and making it humour,
Helps you bounce from the fall.
There are times I need to withdraw,
Regroup and recouperate,
But sometimes I need my friends,
To focus on love and not hate.

Still be strong.

Today was hard.
That little hard.
The little things,
Not big things, hard.
I'm exhausted,
Was pushed throughout the day.
And it absolutely,
Did not go my way.
So yes, today was hard,
But just that little hard.
It was little things,
Not big things, hard.
So although I'm battered,
And a little bruised,
A wet rag that's been overused,
I'm still grateful,
Still holding on.
Sometimes bending,
Is the way to stay strong.

Never be ready.

May your sleep be one that's peaceful.
May my sudden fears have no grounds.
My heart is in my stomach.
My love it knows no bounds.
Be well my darling child.
Be still my racing heart.
I will never be ready,
For you and I to part.

Budge.

Was there a tiny punch of envy?
I'm really not that sure.
It's a feeling I think I thought I should have felt,
As if that would be a cure,
For a life that isn't what I want,
But it doesn't work like that.
I do not wish that I were there.
It's not about where I'm sat.
It's about my freedom to make choices,
And to do so without a judge.
I cannot see this changing,
When neither of us will budge.

Other seeds

The sparkle's always dulled,
By a covering of grey.
Something that you want,
But it can not go your way.
When there is no middle ground,
You want the way that is your own.
You didn't want to reap this fruit?
Then other seeds you should have sown.

You chose.

I don't know how we get anywhere from here.
I don't understand.   To me it's clear.
Our reasons are so disparate, so opposed.
My heart is cold, becoming closed.
The things I value, are not yours.
I choose joy.  What was it you chose?

Clinging rust.

Take the summer evening glow,
Then with twisted face, make it go.
With twisted face, turn it to ash,
And for extra effect, add a dash,
Of derision and disgust.
Like tarnish on metal.  Clinging rust.

Through a shout.

I see that you are struggling,
But you will not help yourself.
You just power through with anger.
Take it out on someone else.
Your go to face is growling,
Followed by disgust.
It's not any way to treat anyone,
Certainly not us.
I know that you are struggling,
That you need to work it out,
But I am struggling to help you,
When you will not hear me through a shout.

The darkest of blue.

I hold you close 
You do not know.
There is plenty time,
For you to grow,
In to this world,
You will not get.
Your heart is hurt,
By the smallest regret.
These things,
We choose to keep from you,
Will make your heart,
The darkest of blue.

My dear.

It's one of those steps,
Those steps in your life,
That marks a change. 
A line drawn with a knife.
Not hard to do.
An inconsequential event,
But its what it makes you realise.
It's what they represent.
Our world is moving on,
Things are always going to change.
We will never be this us again,
And that, my dear, is strange.

So soon.

Hold my hand.
I need you here.
Hold my hand,
Closer, dear.  
I will take your fingers,
As you reach to take the moon,
I will be so still, steadfast,
Because this time will go so soon.  

A different time

Like the early evening glow,
I sit back and I know.
The angst that weighs my heart,
Is relieved when I'm apart.
I am lifted when escape is near.
Not from this place, but from the fear,
The discomfort. The people wo are not mine.
They make me long for a different time.

Hide

What I may now be realising,
Is that I need a world outside. 
The problem's that the way you make me feel,
Makes me want to withdraw.  Hide.
I assumed I could not face the world,
Because I struggled to face you. 
Perhaps my realisation, is that,
It's your presence that makes me blue.
Your presence makes me question,
Who I am and what's my worth.
What not be allowed to be who I am ,
And, as it, just walk upon this earth. 

Foot to the floor.

If it were this,
If this were it,
My soul would be lighter.
It's a better fit.
There is much less angst.
My breaths hold to true.
There is more gentle glow,
And less shades of blue.
So I take a deep breath,
Inhale, and once more.
Take what I can,
And put my foot to the floor.

Fathom out.

I am out of kilter.
Something is not right.
I feel it in the day,
And long in to the night.
Sleeping can make it easier,
But it doesn't go away.
Just waits for another morn,
When Sun is in its way.
If I knew what was driving it,
Or what was sitting wrong with me,
I'd be able to tackle it,
And set my tied nerves free.
Unfortunately my perceptions,
Seem a little awry,
And while I know something's not right,
I cannot yet fathom out why.

In worry.

I can still feel it in my stomach,
The fear your words created.
The nausea rising quickly,
And not ready to be sated.
My body trying to evict,
The thoughts your message brought.
I want to return to pre-message me,
But in worry I am caught.

Safest bet.

I have an urge to tell you I love you,
But can't wake your peaceful sleep.
I should have said it before you fell.
Now it will have to keep.
In the push of everyday,
I do sometimes forget,
I think you know how much I love you,
It's probably my safest bet.

The return.

So much about it beautiful.
So much to be grateful for.
The first steps back I smiled with joy,
Then my stomach hit the floor.
Reality burst through streams of sun,
And tears began to muster.
Where has the happiness gone?
All left behind to fuster.
I am taken back a year in time.
So much, yet nothing altered.
I can see where my door slid,
Where my life became so altered.
I can not even be angry or bitter,
Because of what it will cause.
It doesn't stop my feeling it,
And so dreaming of other doors.

Hit the floor.

For a moment I am jealous,
Then a moment or two more.
Out with friends, drinking in the sun,
Then having a few more.
Revelling in friendship,
With out responsibility or ties.
Our two very, very, different,
Yet intertwined, lives.
Then I remember that what I have is greater,
Longer lasting and more pure.
It's about building a beautiful future.
It's not just about me anymore.
You have the moments you value,
And I have the ones that matter.
I sense that when your facade falls,
Things may hit the floor and shatter.

Overfizz.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm to blame.
 If the way I react drowns her in shame.
 One not meant, but it's what she sees.
 Like being terrified of flies and bees.
 Then sometimes I wonder if it's just who she is,
That her insides were built to overfizz.
 That her anxious nature flows in to me.
 Making me this someone I didn't used to be.
 Then sometimes I wonder if we were both pushed this way,
 And would we breathe deeper if that went away.

The fall.

The things,
For which you find the time,
Are not the things,
For which I find mine.

Our priorities and preferences,
Are now misaligned.
The ease in which we take to this,
Is all the evidence I find.
It leans so heavy to one side,
I can sense it's about to fall,
I sense you're nudging rugs out,
And will not mourn the fall.

We be schooled.

These are the days.
However short, or far between,
These are the memories,
In to which I'll lean.
These are the days,
When you see the machine.
We are fighting to be normal,
And I have been so ever keen,
To avoid their judgement,
Drop below their radars,
Meet their expectations,
As though they were stars.
To fit her into what they expect,
And let them dictate,
Where we go next.
What if normal,
Isn't what we were given,
What if being happy,
Was where we are driven.
Why must we be schooled,
To continue turning the wheel?
What if that's not the way,
Our broken souls heal.

Mangle

Sometimes you have to take the chance,
To run for the hills.
It's not about the adventure,
Or the temporary thrills.
It's the chance to escape the grind,
See things from a different angle.
The day to day can take the joy,
And run it through a mangle.
So I take this chance,
One that I created,
To take a different breath of air,
So this life isn't overrated.

May be fake.

Today was a lesson in how I cannot,
Protect you as much as I'd like.
For you to partake in the world,
I have to keep moving my spike.
Everything is a bargain,
To receive there must be a price.
I'm trying not to be so reactive,
I'm trying to listen to advice.
My fear is from love and good intentions.
I feel like you suffer enough,
I don't want you to have more battles,
When you already have it quite tough.
I do know we'll have to take risks,
Ones I'm not always ready to take,
So sometimes when we're stretching those boundaries,
My encouraging smile may be fake.

Northern spring.

More changeable than the weather,
In the Northern spring.
It's visible that putting others first,
Is clearly not your thing.
Your face and body tell it all,
However much you deny.
Then you wonder why she's sensitive,
And over prone to cry.
We can not tell you as it is,
You will never deign to agree.
She'll keep trudging on though,
Hoping that you'll see.

Not going away.

Can anything tear at your insides,
Like the sound of your child in pain?
Sobbing and screaming all intertwined.
Tears falling down like rain.
Reaching out for comfort, wanting you to heal.
Doing this best you physically can,
But it's not how it's going to feel.
You'd swap places in less than a heartbeat,
If only it would work that way.
It doesn't, so you just hold on tightly,
And promise you're not going away.

Poison within

Why is it so very cleansing,
Just saying how you feel?
Turning over the engine,
and setting loose the wheel.
Starting a new day with lighter arms,
and sensing a budding grin.
Not pushing back against an oncoming tide,
But instead breathing out the poison within.

Snapping.

I felt it snapping inside me,
And then the resulting wave, 
Of feelings that were set free.  
Part sick, part scared, part brave.  
I do not want to rock the boat,
But I don't want to sit here and drown.  
My stomach a ball of anxiety,
And my face the lines of a frown.  
I want it all to disappear, 
However much I know that's not real.  
My mind knows I must face reality, 
But it's not what my heart wants to feel.  

So I stand.

In any other time,
I would have set myself free.
Held my breath for a moment,
And walked on to the sea.
Took the shake up, the change in circumstance,
Being showered in the rain.
But this isn't another time,
So I stand and take the pain.

Burr.

I want to utter curse words.
I want to breathe out fire.
I want the understanding,
That he's leading her to a mire.
I see the affect the words have,
So flippantly thrown away,
And I understand more clearly,
Why I feel as I do today.
I cannot take it personally,
And try telling that to her,
But I know myself the effect it has,
Against our tender skin, a burr.

Some how.

This is the life my decisions chose.
This is the life I lead.
This is who my life has made me,
Even if not what my heart does bleed.
I too many time have acquiesced,
To argue about it now.
Just enjoy the fleeting moments,
Or the vision beyond the brow.
I haven't given up on hope,
Just on it in the here and now.
I still have hope that things could change,
Some day, some time, some how.

Another season.

I crave a life,
I'm not sure I would lead.
Perhaps,
if I were a different breed.
I see what they have,
And it looks so smooth,
So like I expected,
But would I remove,
The ease and the flow.
Am I the reason,
That I'm always longing,
For another season.

Soft skin glove.

There is no awareness of others,
No attention to feelings or fright,
Just pushing forward in your desire.
No matter if it is not right,
For those that you drag in your wake,
For those you're supposed to love.
I cannot understand it,
Our job is to protect, like a soft skin glove.

Go with my heart.

If there isn't a worry now,
It'll soon be round the bend.
As quickly as we fix them,
There's another fence to mend.
Sometimes it feels too many,
To know just where to start,
But we have to keep on moving,
So I'll just go with my heart.

Draw back.

I needed to shed tears today.
It didn't matter why.  
I needed to let the feelings out.
I needed to deep cry.
Sometimes it's all too much,
To keep it tight inside.
As much as you disguise it,
Sometimes you just can't hide.
So I knew you I saw you.
I knew you felt the same.
So I taught you to release it,
Draw back, and begin again.

Whole of mine.

I felt it in my stomach,
And in the back of my throat.
It didn't matter what she told me,
Or even what I wrote.
It mattered how she was feeling,
It mattered how all behaved.
I needed her to be happy,
For yesterday to be be waved.
I wanted her back in Monday,
When everything was fine.
I want her heart to be whole,
Because she has the whole of mine.

Some of the sun.

I think I'll carry it with me,
Moving forward, and still on.
There was a greyness in my heart,
Thinking you could do so wrong.
A definite fear of disappointment,
A fear of who you are, or might become.
I want to believe your explanation,
To bring back some of the sun.

As you.

The timing that was perfect.
For you, but not for her.
I am left to pick up pieces,
Of the emotions you do stir.
Then you look at me with distaste,
Knowing you were wrong,
But you don't want to admit it,
So you hide it in a throng,
Of self-lies and justifications,
Reasons real and yet untrue.
You always want what you want,
But don't want to be seen as you.

Wrecked.

It went quicker than I thought it would,
But did not have the effect expected.
It made me realise I'm not missing out,
And yet still I felt disconnected.
It was a break, a test, a challenge,
But may not be worth its effect.
Only time will tell,
If the ship we sail is wrecked.

Stop-start.

I know things would be different,
Because they are when you're not there.
There is an altered feeling,
There is something in the air.
She rides the highs and lows.
She revels in the joy.
She works to make you smile.
She'll over-laugh or take to coy.
Perhaps it's part of learning,
But I worry for her heart.
Love should be a constant,
It should not be stop-start.

Rough waters.

It was all of half an hour,
Less than an hour, all in.
Yet you are pushing to make it over,
Whilst pretending with a grin.
If you'd been there all day.
If you were ending your tether,
I would understand, would recognise,
But my understanding is now leather.
No working, no effort, and it turns quickly tough,
I can not pretend, can not unsee,
And so our waters are rough.

Hold

I am here for you, I promise.
I am here. I am here.
I will hold you, as you asked.
Hold you close.  Hold you near.
I will keep on holding, tightly,
Will release only when you say.
I am here for you always.
We will hug those fears away.

Heavy loads.

I know that I am blessed,
Every single day.
Today had something extra.
For what reason, I cannot say.
I just look at you and marvel.
I look at you and my heart explodes.
A great joy can still come,
When you're holding the heaviest loads.

In order.

I had to tell someone,
Had to make it real -
Not something I just tell myself,
To deal with how I feel.
Life is always challenge,
Whether it's given or it's chosen.
We just have to move forward,
There's no joy in being frozen,
But it matters what will drive me.
It matters what I can bare.
I have to believe you're trying,
In order for me to care.

Divisions.

It feels it makes so much sense, 

That it explains it all,

But am I looking for a reason, 

Not to let the cleaver fall.  

It would free you of some blame, 

Make it less like it's your choice.  

You don't intend to break my heart.  

It's just your inner voice, 

Making it hard to see, 

That your choices, your decisions, 

Are driving a wedge of resentment, 

Are causing our divisions.   

I'm amazed.

I'm amazed by your audacity.
I'm amazed you think it's fine.
How can you not translate your (in)action,
And get why I then take mine.
Ignore that this is not what I pictured,
This is not what we long ago discussed.
How can you not see your selfishness,
Is the seedbed for all my distrust. 

You race

How can you not want the beauty?
However tiring it may be.
How can you not want the honour?
It's what it is.  How clear to see?
How can five minutes in a day,
Be enough to fill your heart?
Its exhausting, draining, I'll give you that,
But its worth it, every part.
The look she gives you? Priceless
The smile upon her face.
This is a hard but beautiful journey.
Not something through which you race.