Leaking hole

Waiting on someone else,
And their eventual reaction,
Is a stressor that I do not need.
I become fearful of my action.
I am cognisant that it could well be,
That this is playing out both ways,
And so it's a reminder to feel guilty,
As I push on through my days. 
It is not a healthy combo.
It's draining on my soul.
So I keep on searching for other things,
To plug my leaking hole.

Not even.

Neither of us was right there.
I know it in hindsight.
You were wrong in your action,
My reaction far too tight.
I worry that I'm not even in this,
That it'll affect you in the end,
That my own biases will mould you,
So I'll keep working so we'll mend.

Stay me.

Some days I need to disappear,
Back inside my self.
I need time to recuperate,
To focus on my health.
Time to just sustain myself,
To drift within the sea.
It's not something I'm proud of,
But I need it to stay me.

Her judgement

Her judgement hit me,
Hit me hard. 
The noise she uttered,
A verbal red card.
I hate judgement,
It always gets through.
I want to be perfect,
I know that to be true. 
My mind started whirring,
With justifications,
Explanations,
And self placations.
The deeper truth,
Is she was probably right.
It's something I'll dwell on,
Long into the night.

The lesson.

The step after gratitude,
Is usually tired.
We start to de-tangle,
After getting so wired.
We remember the grateful,
So clear in our mind,
But have so much less patience,
We're not always as kind.
We relaxed on your behaviour.
Had bigger fish to fry.
Now it's here to haunt us,
A poke in the eye.
We see it, we call it,
And you're not impressed.
The lesson that I'm more generous,
When I'm not being stressed.

Cry like a queen.

Be true to the grey clouds,
They are what they are,
But let in the sunlight,
Be charmed by the star.
Savour the moment,
They're few, for between.
Take a deep breath,
And cry like a queen.

Next full day.

A jumbled mess,
No concentration.
My kind cannot,
There is no elation.
I will not trust,
That you'rr OK,
'Til er love made it,
To the next full day.