Come true.

Whatever it holds,
Let me hold you.
Whatever it brings,
Keep you safe.
Be happy, be loved,
And love us.
Be ours,
No stray, no waif.
I want for myself,
But not really.
All my wishes,
Are really for you.
Your safety, your happiness,
Your dreams.
May all of them,
Come true.

Fairytale.

The dream is always the same.
The issue doesn’t change.
I live in a half life,
Which is always strange.
A swamp I cannot climb from.
My feet are stuck and tied.
I sold myself the fairytale.
And now I know I lied.

A simple lass.

I feel a piece of me broke today,
Even before the little snap.
I felt a wound opening,
And between us, a gap.
You work so hard to be loved by them,
That you push away from me.
Then I become truly alone,
But without the gift of ‘free’.
I am tangled in the reactions,
That are weaved incessantly.
There is no true peace or harmony.
Just a wait and see.
I am tired of the knife edge.
I am tired of the broken glass.
I long for smooth and steady.
I find I’m just a simple lass.

Slivers.

What I find I wish for,
Would not paint me well.
Peace, and selfish happiness,
For just the briefest spell.
I cannot change my situation,
But don’t want to change my heart.
I will cling on to slivers of joy,
As I work out a way to start.

The weather.

Tired, but better.
This end beating that.
Still not ideal,
But from where I’m sat,
Better, but tired,
And not just from today.
I can’t guess the weather,
Or how long it will stay.

Wafer.

For that space in time,
I thought I’d made the day.
Survived it,
Even if not truly my way.  Then,
Just as the finishing post was in view.
You swiped it from under me,
By just being you.
I’m sure you will say,
I did it first,
That it’s me and my ways,
That make you burst.
I know my mind, I know my reasons.
This is my way of surviving the seasons.
This is my way of surviving the frost
And the firey burn,
Where my singed heart’s the cost.
It is my way of feeling safer,
My resilience is thin now, a cracking wafer.

The bath.

Peace.  Goodwill to all men.
Not something I feel I achieve.
I want them, and to create them,
But I’m struggling to believe.
I am shrouded in fear, bathed in sadness,
Wanting only the best for you.
I made mistakes, remake them daily,
But my heart is beating true.
I don’t know how to repair things,
Don’t know how to alter the path.
So I’ll take deep breath, be strong for you,
And go cry alone in the bath.

Looking inward.

I know I look outward,
When I’m aching inside.
I know I look for warmth,
When there is ice on the tide.
I will smile and be joyous,
For your beautiful heart,
And do my very best to hide,
That I am torn, almost apart.
This is not what I wished for,
Not what I wanted to see,
But I have responsibility,
I am, me.

Even now.

How do you find peace?
How do you fight the flow?
How do you retain calm?
How do you let things go?
I feel like my purpose,
Has always been to care.
How do you put that aside?
We are not a matching pair.
I worry for right reasons.
That at least I know is true.
I worry for her, and yes for myself.
Even now, I worry for you.

Without

Not my day.
I’ll draw it here.
Tomorrow’s another.
Let it live without fear.

Poles apart.

Physically close,
But poles apart.
It’s difficult to know,
Where to start.
Was this always the way,
And only know I see?
Or have we parted,
Like a biblical sea?
Am I bending less,
Overlooking fewer things,
Or have we just bent a like,
With all that life brings?

Personal choice.

When nightmares cross over,
And fears become real.
Now is the time to take pause,
And just feel.
Live in the moment,
Not the fears in your head.
Not so easy done,
But easier said,
And so I keep saying it,
By internal voice.
To survive this day,
Is my personal choice.

Follow suit.

Too busy watching others,
To look hard in the glass.
Don’t consider yourself a step above,
Or of a different class.
It will come to haunt you.
It will come to fruit.
Walk with grace and kindness.
Others will follow suit.

Raw tired.

Some things might be,
But some things aren’t for me.
My mind may be leaning,
Wanting just to see,
But my heart feels it knows itself,
The limits it wants to draw.
I am finding ways to heal myself.
My soul is tired of being raw.

At all.

Red lights on the roof.
White lights on the wall.
I am here,
But not really here at all.
Hold my breath.
Hold your call.
I am here,
But not really here at all.

Turn bitter.

What I want and what I get,
Very rarely coincide.
I try to be the better me,
And take it in my stride.
I will still hold a sliver,
Of that desire, in my heart.
To stay true but not turn bitter.
That’s the tricky part.

Boiling blood.

Inside, my blood is boiling.
I see injustice, imbalance, and greed.
All about the ‘me’.
You suck them ‘til they bleed.
Inside, my blood is boiling.
My jaw is tight, my teeth they grind.
Ignoring the needs of others,
Is the basis of unkind.
I will never understand that,
Although I work to try.  
What kind of a life is lived,
Where you are selfish ‘til you die.

Half life.

‘A life lived in fear’,
Starts a thing some folks say.
Words are fine, throw them out,
But you do not live my day.
Living out a half life.
Is there another way to live?
There’s always something pricking me,
A care I need to give.  
The knot in my stomach,
As I know that you’re not well.
My fear things are getting worse,
An intoxicating spell.
There are moments of reprieve,
Where I notice things are light,
And I smile to the point of glow,
Because some things are just, just, right.
They cannot, do not, last forever,
Something will jar my heart.
The nerves will start a building.
The fear that’s in my heart.

For sake.

Two nights in,
And I have reached irri-tired.
That tired,
Where your patience has expired.
You become irritated.
You want five minutes peace.
You want to switch off,
Just a little release.
Two nights in,
And I just need a break.
So I should try to grab sleep,
For everyone’s sake.

Sit and savour.

My list is top heavy,
And so is my heart.
Nothing is joyful,
When you’re forced to dart,
Backwards and forwards,
With no time to pause.
No moment feels like,
It is truly yours.
I want to be present,
Especially for you.
As my energy shatters,
Coffee is glue.
I sit and I savour.
I give it respect.
A two minute therapy,
I pause and reflect.

Haunted ghost.

All previous thoughts fall heavy,
Clatter to the floor,
When I start to worry for you.
My time is yours once more.
I had longed for time alone.
A moment just to breathe,
But now your breath is struggling,
I can not think to leave.
My job is to be there for you,
When you need it most.
I now hover, refuse to leave.
I am your haunted ghost.

Self respect.

I wasn’t ready to write last night.
I wasn’t clear of mind.
I’d had enough of caring,
Of being the one that’s kind.
I needed just to switch off,
Not think of what it meant.
My head and heart were tired,
My soul a little spent.
Today is another day.
I can now reflect.
I can push in forward.
I e rebuilt some self respect.

Validation.

We need validation of our feelings,
Or that’s how it feels to me.
I want acceptance that I have reason,
To see things how I see.
I want it to be seen as real,
Not just a reaction in my mind.
I want trust and understanding,
That my heart is not unkind.
It is natural to have these feelings.
It is human, it is real.
I need validation that it’s ok,
To be feeling what I feel.

Quietly.

When you take some time,
For you,
And you forget,
What you need to do,
There’s a moment of guilt,
A moment of fear.
I will not embrace it,
Not tonight, my dear.
Tonight for one hour,
I let myself lower,
Into a pool,
Of a life that is slower.
I deserved it, I know it,
Without doubt,
But I’ll embrace it quietly.
It does not do to shout.

The shoots.

How many times can you write the same?
The joy that others bring.
The love that drives you forward.
A song that all could sing.
It took me down a path,
That I did not expect.
It made me consider decisions,
That before I did not regret.
I do not fully recognise myself.
I am a reformed shape.
I am not completely healed.
I feel the wind blow through my gape.
It can be unsettling.
It can shake my dearest roots,
But my arid land is slowly reviving.
I can see the shoots.

Part of you.

I smiled at the thought,
Of time with you today.
I was looking forward,
But when it came to play,
It was hard - was trying.
It pulled at every nerve.
It took all my energy,
Even my reserve.
I know how much you’re worth it.
The exhaustion’s worth it, true.
You are part of me,
As this is part of you.

Pride.

The glowing joy, radiating out.
Your smile, like a blinding ray.
You can turn the darkest moments,
In to the brightest day.
Your glow has its own power,
Burning deep inside.
I am grateful that you blessed me.
You are why I have some pride.

Rail.

I do not like the method,
But know your message must be heard.
It’s what your heart is feeling,
That spurs the coarseness of your word.
I wish you didn’t feel it.
I wish you felt secure.
My love could not be stronger,
Of that you can be sure.
When others leave you nervous,
I will take the flack.
You have me to rail against.
I will always have your back.

Throughout.

All the things I thought I’d do.
Turns out I do just the same.
Only now there is a loneliness.
There is no one to blame.
Turns out it does not feel,
Like a brief respite.
It feels like I’m alone,
And will be throughout the night.

Current mess.

The routine quickly changes,
When it seems you are not you.
Hiding my touch of fear,
I do what I need to do.
I push aside the feels of guilt.
They can come back we’re clear.
I will hold you, I will comfort you.
I will lay right here.
I will listen for your breathing.
I will watch out for distress.
I will be with you ‘til the sky is blue.
I will repair this current mess.